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The Real JCVD


 

Though JCVD has made JCVD the VIP at TIFF, I don’t think we should forget where his true greatness lies. So may I direct you to Seanbaby’s article “Maximum Double Universal Timekick Warrant: A Jean-Claude Van Damme Cinematic Retrospective,” where he not only reviews and rates all of JCVD’s films through 2001, but teaches us about certain recurring themes in the Van Damme oeuvre, such as the fact that the heroine is always a “sassy female reporter,” and he always finds an opportunity to show his butt. Sample review:

Kickboxer, 1989
Plot #1 In order to revenge his paralyzed brother AND rescue his master’s niece, JCVD must take on the evil kickboxer Tong Po in the “ancient manner.” For those unfamiliar with the “ancient manner,” it’s gluing broken glass to your hand. In order to get him ready for such a task, Jean-Claude’s master gets him drunk and tells him to dance, knowing that his adorable pelvic thrusting will infuriate the local kickboxing bullies into attacking him.

Van Dammeter: 9
Any scene that isn’t Jean-Claude doing the splits in a musical training montage is him doing the splits in order to beat the hell out of somebody’s lower and upper groin.

Go read the rest. Sorry, Mabrouk El Mechri, but this is what Jean-Claude Van Damme will be remembered for 100 years from now, when future generations discover, as Frasier Crane said after seeing a JCVD film, “bullets are useless against a man who can kick really high.”


 
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