The secret about The Secret (Shh! It’s a secret!)


As The Secret – the book that suggests those seeking happiness or, like, a new bicycle need only ask the vast cosmos for it – approaches its 100th week on The New York Times bestseller list, The Universe can remain silent no more:

[Scene: A recording studio. The Universe sits patiently as a sound technician prepares to record its message.]

The Universe: What planet is this we’re talking about again?

[Unsurprisingly, the Universe sounds exactly like Morgan Freeman.]

Techie: Uhh… says here, Earth.

The Universe: Earth. Earth.

[Long pause]

Techie: Well, it was a few billion years ago. Or, you know, six thousand.

[They both laugh hysterically.]

The Universe: Oh, that is classic. Anyway, Earth. Can’t say it rings a – oh, Earth! Wow. Ages ago, man! Eons. [Coughs] Not one of my finest moments, really. I mean, I was young and I needed the—

Techie: OK, we’re rolling.

The Universe: Greetings people of Earth.

I guess my message to you all is pretty simple: please shut up.

Just shut the hell up. Seriously, I cannot stress that enough. You all need to cram a freaking sock in it. I appreciate that you have needs and desires but I frankly Do. Not. Care. And even if I did, what the hell am I supposed to do? I’m The Universe. I already put in place the cosmological conditions required for human existence and Scarlett Johansson’s rack. What more do you people want from me?

This really burns me. I mean, somehow this rumour gets started that if you just ask me for things then I will just, you know, provide. And now all these people are sending me “vibes” requesting money and good health and a perfect spouse and floor seats for the Lakers and for the terrible itching to go away. That one made me laugh. Who is this C. Sheen guy anyway?

The point is: everyone wants something from me. And I’m like, you think you’ve got problems? I’m 93 billion light years in diameter and I can’t remember where I left my car keys. Plus, you try doing your job with Stephen Hawking staring at you 24/7. I mean, dude, get a hobby.

Okay, listen: You’re unhappy with your lives. I get that. But what the hell do you expect me to say? “Sure, I was planning on creating this really cool nebula today – but yeah, obviously, I’d much rather help Ted from Des Moines lose a few pounds.” Hey, you there – rotundo – you want to be thin? Here’s a Secret for you: put down the goddamn cruller.

You’re welcome.

Now is it too much to ask that I be allowed to continue expanding in peace? Infinity isn’t going to reach itself, people.

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The secret about The Secret (Shh! It’s a secret!)

  1. I’m sure The Secret must be *somewhat* effective. How else could John Mayer sleep with Jessica Simpson AND Jennifer Aniston?

  2. I’d like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress)actually is a clone from original person,who has nothing with acting career.Clone was created illegally using stolen biomaterial.Original Scarlett Galabekian last name is nice, CHRISTIAN young lady.I’ll tell more,those clones(it’s not only 1)made in GERMANY-world leader manufacturer of humans clones,it’s in Ludwigshafen am Rhein,Rhineland-Palatinate,Mr.Helmut Kohl home town.You can’t even imaging the scale of the cloning activity.But warning,H.Kohl staff strictly controlling their clones spreading around the world,they’re NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled,be careful get close with clones you will be controlled too.Original family didn’t authorize any activity with stolen biomaterials,no matter what form it was created in,it’s all need to be back to original family control in Cedars-Sinai MedicalCenter in LA.Controlling clones is US military operation.Original Scarlett never was engaged,by the way

  3. Here’s another secret for all you people. Get off your ass, step away from the remote and do something if you want a change. Healthcare? Education? Talk to Obama, that’s what I put him there for. And world peace?!?!? The only way I could acheive world peace would be to implode the earth and get rid of your dumb ass so please stop asking. I might have more time to fix a few things but I keep getting the blue screen of death when I try to boot up Vista and I’ve got the three red rings of death on my Xbox, damn you Gates and I do have priorities. But hey, there’s an idea to start with, I’ll take out Gates and Microsoft and let Apple run the world. Macs with their easy user interface and the pretty little sound it makes when it turns on, that’s the answer to eternal happiness and a catchy ad slogan, “A new world, a new religon, a new peace, a new Mac”. I’m a genius, I’m going to post that on my blog.

  4. Another columnist who just doesn’t get it.
    Well, the wheel keeps turning, and he’ll have another chance.
    The so-called ‘Universe’ really responds to all types of thought – and that includes ignorance.

  5. The main point that people overlook is that ignorance IS THE NORM these days.

    While people refuse to think about real issues, real issues continue on regardless, and for those who are too busy to consider the implications of their lack of thought and inaction, their inaction WILL be followed by the action of others.

    Now if people don’t like this idea, the easiest thing to do is to START THINKING and STOP WHINING!

    If you sit on your ass until you risk getting permanent flat spots, it’s your own fault, and you WILL get what you deserve, but if you act on what you know to be true, and what is beneficial to more than your own ego, things might actually begin to change for the better.

    Remember: Just because your government or school system doesn’t teach you something, that does not neccessary mean that this information is not still available somewhere…SEEK IT OUT! Consider what you learn and ACT UPON IT! Change will never come because some politician says “Change” a thousand times in his politicial campaign speeches…change comes about because people finally understand that it is their responsibility to force those politicians to act on their behalf, instead of against their interests.

    THINK!!! They haven’t criminalized it yet!!!

  6. I love Feschuk humour. It’s a lot like chinese food. I have my fill but 30 minutes later I need more.
    Keep me laughing Scott. You are a child of the universe.

  7. In the real world…we have to just do it ourselves.

    I think God must have his hands full right now with everyone praying for their RRSP to not go in the tank.

    Personally when I let out a litte prayer its mostly to see my sons get home safe, be good workers, be industrious, be a bit fearless, that they love thier mom, appreciate thier dad, and learn the value of a good friend.

  8. I was going to post this on facebook with that handy tool you used to have when, to my surprise, I see you removed it with your website revamp.
    What’s the deal with that? It was a sweet feature.

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