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The Mailbag: Tiger Woods, a pair of beavers, Michael Ignatieff’s eyebrows

Scott Feschuk answers your questions


 

Welcome to the Tuesday Mailbag on Wednesday, where we answer all the pressing questions of the day, save for the question of why I lied just now when everyone knows this column is in fact all about boob jokes and David Hasselhoff references.

Queries for future mailbags can be submitted in the comments below, sent to me via KITT or dispatched using electronic – or “magic” – mail at scott.feschuk@macleans.rogers.com. Next week’s mailbag will give priority to questions dealing with your most personal and intimate problems, including relationship queries and urgent medical advice. So staunch that bleeding and start typing.

Remember – there are no stupid questions, unless Helen Thomas somehow gets involved.

Dear Scott:

What would you do right now if you were Tiger Woods? – Dan222

Dan –

Right now? I’d duck. In fact, I’d probably spend most of my time around the house ducking. But when I’m not ducking – which wouldn’t be that often – here are some of the things I might do – duck! – if I were Tiger Woods:

1. Start doing porn. Sounds insane, right? But think about it. He’d get to have all the sex he wants, plus at this point porn stars are actually more highly regarded and respected than Tiger by society at large. Two birds, meet one stone. (That could also be the title of his first movie.)

2. Pay a guy to get rid of this whole so-called “Internet.” Shut ’er right down. Bury it in a landfill somewhere in Jersey. Damn thing is nothing but trouble.

3. Construct an alternate reality in which the events of the past two weeks have yet to transpire, then miss the fire hydrant, speed past the tree, break it off with all the ladies and become a devoted family man. Shouldn’t cost more than $50,000 if he sources his own lumber and super villain.

4. Amnesia. Just pray to God that his wife gets the amnesia.

5. Buy Elin a pair of Isotoner gloves. Kept the important people in Dan Marino’s life happy.

Dear Scott:

Is it polite to stare directly at Michael Ignatieff’s eyebrows? – Michael (aka Mike514)

Michael –

Not only is it impolite, Michael, it’s terribly unwise. Many foolhardy souls before you have stared into the HypnoBrow™ and instantly lost control of the part of their brain known as the Judgment Centre.

Ian Davey stared into the HypnoBrow™ and came away convinced he’d seen the future prime minister of Canada. Bob Rae take a gander and was suddenly persuaded that he couldn’t win a leadership race. And Peter Donolo cast barely a fleeting glimpse in the general direction of the HypnoBrow™ – yet here he is today, living in Ottawa, having abandoned a lucrative Toronto consultancy to work with Joe Volpe and Hedy Fry.

Turn away, Michael. And run. RUN!

Dear Scott:

I’m sick and tired of celebrities telling me what to do. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind so much when they wear those disease ribbons or even when they tell me who to vote for or whatever but I lose it when I hear them talk about the sacrifices needed to fight global warming and then they fly their private jets to one of their five mansions. Something must be done but what can be done? – Sarah L., Toronto

Sarah –

I admire your disdain for hypocrisy and punctuation, Sarah, but your allegations are far too sweeping. Sure, there are famous people who urge others to “go green” while simultaneously powering entire legions of emissions-spewing hookerbots (think of the children, Mr. Sheen). But there are a number of recent examples of genuine achievement in environmental sacrifice among the rich and famous.

Consider these revelations from just the past month alone:

Nov. 5: In an inspiring example to up-and-coming celebrities across Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid carpooled to rehab.

Nov. 10: With tiny solar panels installed behind his ears, Russell Crowe announced that his ego is now self-powered and completely off the grid.

Nov. 18: Mel Gibson arranged to be pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving for the expressed purpose of blaming global warming on the Jews.

Nov. 23: In an exclusive cover story, Us Weekly reported that Paris Hilton has switched over to a hybrid vibrator.

Nov. 26: Orlando Bloom received a prestigious award from the Sierra Club for maintaining, for the 10th consecutive year, a zero level of charisma emissions.

Nov. 30 Rapper 50 Cent spent four consecutive hours trying to come up with a rhyme for Copenhagen. (Result: Donald Fagen.)

Dear Scott:

What flavour Jell-O, and why? – NotBea

NotBea –

Clearly, your question stems from my reference in last week’s mailbag to a theoretical wrestling match pitting Scarlett Johansson against Megan Fox.

Now, some might say the flavour of Jell-O in which they wrestled would be secondary in such a scenario – that any old favour would do, so long as Scarlett and Megan were waist-deep in it, tugging at each other’s long, sticky hair, wildly grasping at each other in an effort to get a firm grip on any part of the body that… umm…

[Four minutes later. You heard me, Sean: Four minutes.]

Point is: these people are all idiots.

The Jell-O needs to be translucent as possible, to ensure no critical appendage ever disappears from sight. Sorry, strawberry, cherry and berry blue. The Jell-O needs to give off an aroma that’s pleasing to the olfactory senses. Later, watermelon and green apple. Most important of all, it needs to look good with marshmallows in it, because I always have marshmallows in my Jell-O, even in my wrestling Jell-O.

So: lemon.

Dear Scott:

I never thought I’d say this, or even think this, but I’m pretty sure I miss the Bell beavers. What were their names again? I can’t even remember their names but their ads, although stupid, were better than the boring Bell ads that are on now. Question: what do you think those beavers doing now? – Sam D.

Sam –

Hang on, I’ll yell downstairs and ask them: Hey, Gordon, some guy wants to know what you guys are doing right now?

They’re making a protein shake, Sam.

What’s that? You hadn’t heard? Well, the Bell beavers are staying with me. Been crashing here for some time now. Built a lodge out of my Billy bookshelf.

When last we left Frank and Gordon, things seemed to be going pretty well. Remember their last big ad? They were living in a luxury condominium. They’d impressed a couple foxy ladies with their number of HD channels and the speed of their Internet connection. And they’d brought some food in from the kitchen. They seemed poised to seal the deal and … well, that’s where their problems began. Turns out that implied cross-species mating isn’t a big selling point in the ultra-competitive television and telecommunications markets.

Hey, honey, we need to get an HD provider for our new high-def plasma. Should we go with Rogers?

No, the one with the bestiality ads. Chicks on beavers.

Anyway, that was the beginning of the end for Frank and Gordon. Bell phased them out as spokescreatures. They lost their place when their condo went no rodent. I found them on a street corner, Frank in a cowboy hat and fringed jacket, selling his body to the night; Gordon hunched over and looking tubercular in a ratty trenchcoat. I hope you understand: I just had to get them out of that life, Sam. Their pimp was the Mazda Zoom-Zoom boy – and that kid has grown up to be big. And angry.


 

The Mailbag: Tiger Woods, a pair of beavers, Michael Ignatieff’s eyebrows

  1. I like your answer for what Tiger should do now but I think he should also read up on UK PM Gladstone from the 1800's. Gladstone was married but was famous for 'rescuing' prostitutes as well. Maybe Tiger could get some hints to explain the women to Elin from a Gladstone biography or somesuch.

    Feschuk I was wondering how we ask questions. I was waiting for you to post something yesterday. Anyways, I wanted to ask if you were a betting man, which I have suspicion that you are, would you choose over/under 12 for the number of women who will come out of woodwork and claim affair with Tiger. Need to decide by later today so any advice would be appreciated.

    • The most interesting part of this is that not only is Elin Nordegren a hot, Swedish model but she has a freakin' twin sister!!!!!!!!!!

      And they were au pairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Four minutes!?! What are you, some kind of modern Roger Bannister?

    I request – no, I demand – some independent oversight to ensure you're not engaged in some sort of chemical enhancement or doping to get your edge. I'm going to call Dick Pound and see if he'll come out of retirement for this. (Ya, that joke kinda wrote itself…)

  3. I think Tiger needs to take these lemons and make some lemonade. New sponsors, for example…

    <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5tXcPawiVU8&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5tXcPawiVU8&hl=en_US&fs=1&&quot; type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

  4. we're already at 11, and my own tell-all confession of life with Tiger is in the magazine coming out tomorrow, so i guess i'd take the over.

  5. We are at 11? When my friend was setting this pool up yesterday he thought women claiming to be Tiger's mistress was at eight. Sounds like we should move it up to 16 or something.

    But tomorrow's confession might put spanner in works – don't know if men get lumped in with women or do they get their own over/under numbers.

  6. Sorry to get serious but your two comments made me think of Potter's post yesterday about technology changing culture. Boys taking an inordinate amount of interest in Sears catalogue around time puberty starts will no longer be a rite of passage now that internet delivers saucy images direct to your bedroom.

  7. The internet will deliver saucy images to your bedroom!?!?!

    Why did no one tell me?!?!?!?

  8. Your arguments in favour of lemon are compelling, but to my mind the missed variable is what flavour of jello the competitors themselves prefer. For one thing, it's just gentlemanly to provide a flavour of jello that these ladies would find pleasing to their palates. I really think it's important that Scarlett and Megan, when each confronted with the other covered from head to toe in jello, both find said jello to be an appetizing variety. Irresistibly appetizing would be an excellent goal.

    I'm sure any expert in etiquette would extol the importance of catering to the tastes of one's honoured guests.

  9. Yeah! And at least those Sears models looked attainable, as opposed to the snooty, upper class harlots in the Eaton's catalog.

    A youthful precursor to the later Playboy v. Penthouse debates.

  10. Why such a big time difference?

    Basking in his afterglow, Scott tends to skip handwashing.

  11. Goddammit! My hardscrabble working-class upbringing lets me down again.

  12. There's stuff on the internet of a non-saucy nature?!?!?

    Why did no one tell me?!?

  13. great column! Made my morning. Keep them coming. I think Jello should be a consistent theme for future columns.

  14. I was thinking that too. Which is why my kids won't have private internet access for many, many years.

  15. Hands?!

    Why did no one tell me?!?!

  16. A friend of mine recently caught her angelic nine year old looking at porn online. Obviously her son is no longer so angelic but she has dilemma: he was checking out site that featured women over the age of seventy.

    My friend is horrified that her boy is looking at naked women when he is so young but she does not know what to make of the fact that he was looking at grannies rather than nineteen year olds.

    I was glad to learn, tho, that 'older brother' of friend is still the bane of a mother's existence. That part of our culture has not changed, at least.

  17. hahahahaha. Never thought of it that way before.

  18. That's one of the more horrifically funny things I've heard in a while.

    I've no doubt that my kids will be exposed to stuff by peers that I'd rather they weren't. But my hope is that they at least know the boundaries are there.

    You might want to mention to your friend that her son may have been just as fascinated by the aging process as the sexual nature of the material. My own ten year old has been really fascinated by some of the medical texts we have around the house (no, that's not a euphemism!). In particular, a chapter describing the aging process for each gender has tweaked his interest – everthing from his forthcoming puberty to menopause has been the source of a lot of questions lately (including many loud questions about menstruation for my wife, while they were strolling down a quiet street a few evenings ago! She did her best to stay cool about the subject, while getting him to speak in lower tones…)

  19. Michael Ignatieff should exploit the apparent newsworthiness of his eyebrows. Put out photos of them furled and unfurled…. maybe ten facial expressions geared to the holiday/charitable season. A little self-deprecating humour.

    And then get Rick Mercer to pluck the suckers!

  20. Hypothetical question. Asking for a friend. Would the Sears catalog fall under the category of "chemical enhancement?"

  21. It didnt help, they have a life of their own, like two giant caterpillars.I find them ugly like the man himslef, he does have a funny shaped head.

  22. "You might want to mention to your friend that her son may have been just as fascinated by the aging process as the sexual nature of the material."

    He got third degree once his mother calmed down. He didn't even really know what he was looking at, they were very mild photos apparently, but he was curious about what people look like naked. He was not aware 19 and 75 year olds look different.

    Kids are awesome. It is cliche but kids do indeed say the darnedest things. I enjoy how the tone does not change when asking questions: they can ask about martians coming to earth or menstruation questions and they are asked with same level of earnestness.

  23. Hahaha, he does have a funny fart face (oops, sorry if someone gets offended!) it truly looks like he has to go to the washroom all the time.

    • What? This is Canada's sexiest cerebral man that we're talking about!

  24. "she has a freakin' twin sister!!!!!!!!!! …… And they were au pairs!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

    I assumed men were the majority of Tiger fans. Why is this considered a disaster? Aren't most men thinking, I would do same thing as Tiger if I could. Tiger is living the dream! (maybe not so much now but he was up to a few weeks ago)

  25. Lol, that's a man thing for sure…

  26. Whenever I see Iggy all I can think of is The Grinch.

  27. Dear Scott,

    If you had to choose a third world country to invade Antarctica with, what aircraft carrier would you use and why?

  28. Random memory provoked by your comment: when I was a teenager, my best friend's dad was a doctor and we used to get high and look at his dermatological textbooks.

    Amazing just how much can go wrong with skin. We had nicknames for all our favourite photos — and spent far too much time admiring the genitalia shot of elephantisis…which was photographed in a wheel barrow as I recall.

    Ah, salad days.

  29. My uncle had a similar HypnoBrow™ – fascinating.

  30. maybe he should wrap a scarf around his head to impersonate a Taliban and accuse Harper of torture.

  31. Now that Barack Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize, what kind of undeserved recognition could receive Stephen Harper ?

    I am asking you this because a Juno award is cleary not enough or glamourously fair for the Prime Minister's singing capabilities.

    So, please, mister Feschuk, help ! I need somebody help…

  32. Michael Ignatieff is the devil. The eyebrows only make the "american" look worse. He's a pathetic joke!!!!

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