19

The Young and the Electless


 

Soap operas are in decline. Ratings are down. Guiding Light was recently canceled after 72 years on radio and TV. But even today, soap-opera melodrama retains its popularity as a favoured motif within one small segment of modern society – the Liberal Party of Canada.

Denis walks into the room. He pours himself a drink and turns to the camera. From over his shoulder we hear a voice.

Michael Denis, we need to talk.

Denis sips his drink, making that face that soap actors make when they sip their drinks to show they’re sipping a drink.

Michael You remember Martin? Martin Cauchon?

Denis Of course. His demise was tragic. [A sly smile.] Unforeseeable.

Michael I don’t know how to tell you this, Denis. Martin is… [long pause, pained expression] BACK FROM THE DEAD!

Denis turns, wide-eyed.

Denis But… how??

Michael The “how” is not important. What’s important is that I’m going back to him. Denis, I’m leaving you.

Denis turns, wide-eyed.

Denis But… why??

Michael Call it fate. Call it destiny. Providence, serendipity, crass expediency. The point is: Martin and I were meant to be.

Denis But I gave you everything – my loyalty! my devotion! several hugs! You took me in. You said we’d be together.

Michael You’re wrong, Denis. It wasn’t me who said all that. It was… [long pause, pained expression] MY EVIL TWIN!

Denis turns, wide-eyed. I guess this means he’s facing Michael again. It’s hard to keep track.

Denis But… who?? You never told me about having an evil twin!

Michael I told you, Denis. I told you all about him. It wasn’t my fault you… [long pause, pained expression] GOT AMNESIA!

Denis turns, wide-eyed. Feeling a little dizzy now.

Denis But…. whaaa?

He collects himself. A realization dawns.

Denis Wait, I remember now. It’s so clear. The evil twin, the amnesia, the kid who was a baby one minute and then a teenager the next. I remember it all. I see now that you’re just like all the others…

Michael No, you don’t, Denis. You don’t remember. You can’t remember! You can’t remember because you have… [hitting him over the head with a frying pan] DOUBLE AMNESIA!

Denis turns, glassy-eyed.

Michael Goodbye, Denis.

Music. Cut to closeup on Denis, eyes narrowed. Cut to closeup on Michael, eyes narrowed. Back to Denis. Back to Michael. Denis. Michael. Ian Davey throwing up his hands in frustration. Denis’ nostrils. Michael’s nostrils.

Michael leaves. Denis turns to the camera.

Denis I’ll get you for this, Michael Ignatieff. As God is my witness, if it’s the last thing I do I will make you pay. I will become your worst nightmare just as long as I avoid getting TRIPLE AMNES— uhh, what was I just saying? Oh dear Lord, who am I??!


 
Filed under:

The Young and the Electless

  1. Nice, but without Jean Lapierre, it's missing that extra something.

  2. Not one of your better efforts Feschuk, but still better than 90% of what's on TV today.

  3. Scott or Jonathan,

    Why do Scott's posts not show up in the "Canada" section of the blogs? I usually just click on "Canada Blog" under the blogs menu, but Scott's posts don't show up there. Is there any way he could be added?

  4. Scott or Jonathan,

    Why do Scott's posts not show up in the "Canada" section of the blogs? I usually just click on "Canada Blog" under the blogs menu to see all the posts from Wells, Coyne, O'Malley, etc., but Scott's posts don't show up there. Is there any way he could be added?

    • I think that would automatically put him on the email list for staff Christmas parties and picnics too.

  5. I read the headline and my first thought was…"Wow, a John Tory Soap Opera."

    But then I shushed myself, because that would be a mean thing to say.

  6. Well, I HAVE always wanted to try to beat the Wells-Coyne record in the three-legged race.

  7. Is there a way I could crack a joke about Coyne, a stick, and his ability to enter that race alone that wouldn't come off as petty and mean?

  8. [Just to be clear – I rather like Coyne. It's just that he seems awfully serious. All the time. Like Canada's Vice Principal or something…]

  9. ROFL – LMFAO – as they say in the old country how very very droll. Well done … I can visualize the frying pan descending as I type this.

  10. aww, you should see him after he gets two or three constitutional amendments into him…

  11. aww, that's just the public persona. you should see him after he gets two or three constitutional amendments into him…

  12. In today's episode of "The Young and the Electless", the part of Stéphane Dion will be played by Michael Ignatieff.

  13. Feschuk seems to be frighteningly familiar with soap operas. Though at times it read like an SNL skit, or something from Mike Meyers.

  14. Michael – Brace yourself Denis, for when I speak these words you may well suffer an attack of explosive amnesia!

  15. not your best work, scott. a tad hackneyed.

  16. Hey….at least he didn't go ahead with the love scene.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  17. soap operas will always be around, they just have to be reinvented.

Sign in to comment.