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These just in


 
  • Nominees for governor-general should be subjected to televised parliamentary confirmation hearings, Adrienne Clarkson says. Makes sense – we want to make sure we fully explore their views on the critical relationship between oversized novelty scissors and ceremonial ribbon.
  • According to a new survey, one in three children fear an apocalypse that will wipe out all of humanity and leave the planet a rotting, unlivable husk. The other two haven’t heard that Lindsay Lohan is single again.
  • Justin Trudeau says more can be done by the international community to address the devastating humanitarian crisis taking place in Sri Lanka. Meanwhile, Ben Mulroney says Reese Witherspoon shared a steamy desert weekend with Jake Gyllenhaal!
  • The Internet has turned 20, and Tim Berners-Lee – who is credited with creating the World Wide Web – laments that his creation is increasingly riddled with “misinformation” and “untruths.” He made the observation after looking down and realizing that, after all that, it hadn’t grown any bigger.
  • The U.S. Department of Homeland Security says it has built 613 miles of fencing along the country’s 1,969-mile boundary with Mexico– or as it’s now officially been declared: The World’s Longest Hilariously Defended Border.
  • DVDs from the early seasons of Sesame Street continue to sell well despite being marketed with a message saying the episodes are “intended for grown-ups.” Apparently that’s because today’s kids might be unnerved that the show looks so different – and also by the threesome between Bob, Maria and Oscar. (Although, to be fair, the scene does vividly illustrate the meaning of “co-operation.”)
  • Kevin Federline says he’s working on a book and expects to finish it soon. In his mind it’s 60-40 that the dude ends up trying the green eggs.
  • One last thing: I have a small request for society. Could you please stop using the word porn to refer to things that don’t involve naked, sweaty people – things like “food porn”? It’s ruining guacamole for me. Plus it’s confusing. “Mommy porn” sounds totally promising but turns out to be magazine photo spreads of stylish mothers presiding serenely over improbably idyllic child-rearing scenarios. And a distressing small number of them are in the process of removing their blouses for the cable guy.

 
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These just in

  1. Reese Witherspoon marketed fauxmance with her fake boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal.

    Much easier than making good movies.

  2. You are unduly influenced by Harper’s Index. No, not that Harper.

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