Tiger Woods is coming to help you

He’s been visited by the Ghost of Porn Stars Past and he’s going to be like Scrooge at the end of A Christmas Carol


tiger woods presserLet us begin with the goatee. It is a curious choice for Tiger Woods. The goatee does not say, “I am keen to begin rebuilding my image as a decent and loyal family man.” The goatee says, “I am the evil twin of the leading character on your soap opera and I am here to ravish the mayor’s virgin daughter.”

But Tiger Woods has changed. We know this because Tiger Woods says Tiger Woods has changed. “It’s not about the championships,” Woods said during his first press conference since, well, you know. “It’s about how you live your life.”  This would have been a laugh line to the Tiger Woods of two years ago, just as it will likely be to the Tiger Woods of two years from now. A month of therapy can give you a new vocabulary – “balanced… peace… healing…” – but can it change the very core of what and who you are?

Later this week, Tiger Woods will make his return to professional golf, but for now his focus remains on his other full-time job: apologizing. Speaking at a news conference at the Augusta National Golf Club – site of The Masters and, every few months or so, a racial minority – Woods said he was sorry, so very sorry, and a terrible, horrible and very bad man. He also needs to do some work on his swing, thanks for asking.

Rather than pass judgment myself on the quality of the questions posed to Woods, let’s permit his reactions to tell the story. Woods smiled a lot. He referred to the gathered reporters as “my friends” – “You will always be my friends” – and called them by their nicknames. Speaking to one, he uttered the words “my bro.” As he got up to leave, Tiger smiled wide and offered a cheerful, “Thanks guys!” (Also, he actually got a question about his “putting” – and it wasn’t even meant as a euphemism!)

The best part of it all may have been the media’s fascination with how Tiger could possibly have won all those golf tournaments while simultaneously balancing the demands and fetishes of 18 mistresses. They seemed to be looking for tips. Is there an app for that?

CNN touted “Tiger’s Return” with a countdown clock, “live look-ins” at an empty chair at Augusta and even the playing of Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger. If they’d been forced to kill any more time waiting for Woods, the network would have had no choice but to bring in Tony from the Frosted Flakes box to get the perspective of how this seedy tale has affected the seduction efforts of other Tigers.

We did learn a few things during the news conference. It took five stitches to close the gash on Tiger lip – the one caused by the car accident <wink>. Going into rehab made him miss his son’s first birthday and he was vowed to never miss another (his lady friends will just have to wait inside the cake). And Tiger denied that Dr. Anthony Galea supplied him with human growth hormone or performance enhancing drugs – though he didn’t exactly offer a convincing explanation for why he invited Galea, a Canadian, into his home to provide treatment for his damaged knee. (“He’d worked with some other athletes” hardly seems persuasive given the number of American doctors who can make the same claim.)

We also learned that while it’s impossible to discern what Tiger has taken away from rehab, he has definitely cottoned to its usefulness as a dodging tactic.

Reporter: Tiger, how did you fool so many people for so long?

Tiger: [voice softens] You know, Tom, I fooled myself, too.

What does that mean exactly? He was banging all sorts of chicks but he thought he was just making sandwiches? Mustard, lettuce, ham – whoa, who let the naked lady in here?? I HAVE BEEN FOOLED!!! BY ME!!!!!!!!!

The New Tiger has also adopted a mildly amusing messianic posture. Getting cured of sex-having disease has apparently imbued him with the power to provide vague, ill-defined “assistance” to “infinitely more” people than ever before. Woods, you see, now wants to “help more people who haven’t figured out to help themselves.” OMG everybody! Tiger has been visited by the Ghost of Porn Stars Past and he’s going to be like Scrooge at the end of A Christmas Carol. God bless us Subway chicken wraps us everyone!


Tiger Woods is coming to help you

  1. This is what needs to be said out loud. What a joke the conference was. I agree with the goatee and the "I fooled myself". He hasn't changed a bit. Devil he is.

  2. Totally agree, Scott.

    As Sally Jenkins noted in Wash Post, Tiger treats his fans just like he treated his bimbos: being near him is its own reward; don't ask for anything, and he'll let you know what he needs from you and when. In today's case that's unconditional love and understanding, Solti, Rosie (forte), etc. etc. From you to him.

    If I ever meet Tiger (not likely), I will turn my back on him. He's a selfish, spoiled pig, and deserves no love and understanding for a LOOOONNNG time. Isn't it interesting how his "indefinite leave of absence" from the Tour lasted for exactly ZERO major championships?

    • And culminated in one of the largest media frenzies in recent memory…. I'm sure that the Nike folks just HATED that.

  3. I'm sorry, but I lost all respect for Tiger Woods when he played his 'sex' card while lying to his wife and fooling all of his loyal fans. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for all the affairs he had. He is a billionaire, with a beautiful wife, and beautiful children…he has no business turning his back on them and less business trying to pretend it is "an addiction"! Cheating on his wife is no addiction…it is a morally wrong decision and he needs to own up to it. Yet, now we are all supposed to forgive and forget because he is a great golf player. I say:"SO WHAT! ONCE A CHEATER…ALWAYS A CHEATER!" I think he should be banned from the golf circuit for at least a year or more and made to pay a huge fine. I think his wife is the one being done wrong and by letting him take up right where he left off is a slap in her face. I feel badly for her…not him! Tiger Woods…you let everyone down and you need to be held responsible! Not forgiven!

    • Thank you, Church Lady. It's good to see that Dana Carvey is working again.

    • I believe the big fine you are referring to is called a divorce settlement or the very least a giant yellow diamond. As for banning him from golf, I don't think adultery is against the rules in golf. Pro sports really aren't there to force morality on people, they are to entertain people that don't have the physical fitness to play the sport.

    • if you suspended every player in every professional sport who had fooled around, there wouldn't be a whole lot of sporting events to be televised and more importantly for you, no one to prop up your ego and make you feel superior to.

  4. Okay, enough is enough. Where does the line become clear about what journos, etc. have a right to know and pure nosiness?

    It's out there now – we all know. Do we have the right to know the intimate details of the healing (or not) process between Tiger and his wife?

    Holy, moly – she's not at his side at the Master. Well, of course not. She's got a lot to deal with and has been humiliated in public. Why should she subject herself to all the crap at this point?

    This is so overdone.

    • Well put.

  5. I dont care what he did.. He 's a golfer that I enjoy.I hope he masters the masters once again

    • I hope if he wins, he's greeted on the 18th green by a harem of fake-tittied pornstars jumping up and down. That'd bring some life to the sport!

    • The guy could be a serial murderer and his diehard fans (pun intended) would still watch him play golf if possible. Since what he did wasn't criminal, there's some justification for compartmentalizing and saying his golf skills can be enjoyed without approving what he did in his personal life.

      However, enlarging his financial empire in any way by buying his endorsed merchandise etc. would just make one a dupe with no standards. A Tiger Woods club or sweater isn't going to make you play like him anyway, just enrich a man whose money already turned his head. Help Tiger! Don't buy his stuff!

  6. These "therapy" sessions are also going to be a very convenient hideaway for Tiger, eh, Feschuk? I think a lot of these athletes are going to go to these … um … therapy sessions now.

    • Ya, Jesse James took his cue right out of Tiger's book. Get caught cheating, run to "rehab", come back and blame Buddah, hope all is well.

  7. <i.I HAVE BEEN FOOLED!!! BY ME!!!!!!!!!</i>

    He seems to have come down with Multiple Personality Disorder.

    This might result in some excitement on the golf course, as the multiple tigers wrestle with each other to determine the line of his putt or the aim of his drive.

    • Pair him with David Duval with his vertigo, and it could get real interesting.

  8. Totally agree, Scott.

    As Sally Jenkins noted in Wash Post, Tiger treats his fans just like he treated his bimbos: being near him is its own reward; don't ask for anything, and he'll let you know what he needs from you and when. In today's case that's unconditional love and understanding, Solti, Rosie (forte), etc. etc. From you to him.

    If I ever meet Tiger (not likely), I will turn my back on him. He's a selfish, spoiled pig, and deserves no love and understanding for a LOOOONNNG time. Isn't it interesting how his "indefinite leave of absence" from the Tour lasted for exactly ZERO major championships?

  9. Once upon a time, Scott knew how to do a story on Tigerography. I believe there was a lovely photo of Mrs. Woods with perhaps a line such as Holy Crap Tiger! What were you thinking?

    Now, we have words about a guy struggling to grow a goatee accompanied by a photo of that struggling goatee. What the hell, Scott? You missed both the gratuitous photo candy and the obvious reference to Men Who Stare at Goatees! Since the Olympics you are way off your game.

  10. I think he should have taken a page from Mick Jagger's playbook and publicly embraced his naughty dark side. He could have been the uberbadboy of golf. I would have respected him more. False contrition only fosters scorn.

    • False contrition also fosters turning the endorsement money taps back on and that's the point surely?

      • Surely it is, and that's the point of the scorn.

  11. Hey, he picked a safe place to make his comeback. Isn't the masters officially "Girl Free"?

  12. Reporter: Tiger how did you win all those Masters contest things and yet have enough stamina for 18 mistresses?

    Tiger: Well, Dougie. What your name isn't Dougie? Well it is now. I only had one, maybe two, tops three at a time. Although Ann Coulter felt like five somedays.

    Other Reporter: Did you learn your lesson?

    Tiger: Well, Bob. Bob's not you name? Too bad. I learned that I have no private life. That because I'm really good at something and have chosen to do it as a career I am now open to having everything, including my bowel movements, examined by a faceless media who I often don't meet until I turn on my television.

    First Reporter: Why did you get a Canadian doctor to check out your knee?

    Tiger: Well, Josh. I don't care if your name isn't Josh, it is now. I've discovered that you can only trust people as long as you offer them continual wads of cash, and by people I mean Americans. So from now on I'll only be having affairs with my doctors who come from other countries. Partially because I can threaten them with deportation so they won't write memoirs of my sordid sexual fantasies and mostly because I can threaten their 3rd world Canadian children so they don't sell my urine on the black market. It's a win – win scenario for me and me.

    Third Reporter: This is a two part question…what's with the goatee? And…holy shit! There's two Tiger Woods up on the stage now! Who'd have thunk it??

  13. When did somebody's personal life become public domain? When did Tiger desperately ask us to judge him as something beyond an athlete? And who told him that he could steal Evil Sulu's goatee?

    • His personal life became public domain when it drove TV ratings and magazine sales.

      • Unlike several movie stars I could name who are better at selling magazines than movie tickets, Tiger's ability to win on the golf course is what made him famous. Before the affairs became public, a lot of people probably didn't even realize he was married, let alone be able to recognize or even name his wife.

        • Unfortunately Tiger didn't become famour ONLY because of his golf, but because he whored himself out to every corporate interest that would have him. He used his public image to make shitloads of money, so his personal life is of very much interest to many people. Would you really want to buy your kid a golf hat that had this scumbags personal logo on it?

  14. Well he's learned all the rehab speak and is reborn! He looked emotionally exhausted and heavier than before his contretemps with Ms Elin. But I'm hedging my bets about his real conversion. After a lifetime of self-indulgence it takes a pretty good while to really change (if at all).

  15. I don't care about Tiger at all, or where he put his pee-pee. I care about Tiger even less than any given subject on Entertainment Tonight, the Kirstie Alley show, or the never-ending charade of politics. That said, Scott brought a little bit of fun and satire to this tired, ridiculous issue.

  16. Certainly Mr Woods has not become a new person after 3 months of therapy. The press conference probably was a very well rehearsed performance, and he knew his lines by heart. Curing (the reason for) an addiction takes years of therapy, and in many cases it cannot be cured at all. A person suffering from alcohol or drug addiction usually has to quit the substance altogether for the rest of his or her life and learn to live the life of a reformed addict. Probably that is not an option for Woods. The question is whether his wife wants to share her bed with him ever again after what's happened. (Considering she's an independent, Nordic woman, I doubt it.) And if not – what then ? He cannot risk being caught again anytime soon. My guess is, that they have agreed (or Woods' plan is) to live down the scandal and then have a quiet divorce in a year or two. She gets a lot of money and the kids, and he becomes free to live as he chooses.

  17. He's a creep. I'll continue to ignore him. I am fascinated, though, by the sluts who carried on with him, then went public that they did, and now want apologies?! For what? Can't sleaze it up even more if you tried.

  18. Seriously, I'll never have any respect for the guy again. And not even because he's a serial cheater, just the absolutely horrible way he handled getting caught. He has not shown one bit of honest remorse.

    And wtf was this rehab thing?! That's just insulting to his wife and family. Does anybody here think they would forgive their significant other for cheating, if they just checked into rehab for a few weeks? How many women were at said clinic is what I'd be asking if I were his wife.

    • He has said sorry to everyone, and the horse they rode in on.I doubt he really cares what you think.

      • Then why does he keep talking to us about it? Stop it. If it's none of our business then don't talk about it at press conferences.

        • Because they , the media keep asking questions.We have no idea what it's like to be under a microscope, every single move being scrutinized.Let the man play golf, its obvious it's the one thing he does do well.I am sure if he and his wife decide to make a go of it, it will happen, but you need the bad stuff out of the way in order to to do so.

  19. Tiger's biggest mistake was getting caught into the trap of taking a trip down the aisle with a gold digger prior to getting his wild oats sewn.

    When the money gets as big as what's lining his account, there's not a woman alive who is marrying for love. It's only about the guarnteed child support ("18 years, 18 years, she had one of yo kids, got you for 18 years") and possibily alimony depending on how solid the prenup is.

    Just as bad are all the trollops who were willing to keep it on the DL so long as they got all the nice little presents and got to live the high roller lifestyle instead of the failing trailer trash background they clawed their way past. Until of course, the camera's started rolling and they got a whiff of "celebrity status". There's a word for that behaviour. In the end they were after the same thing his domestic abuser is after, the contents of his bank account.

    • Plus, he's a young, charming, handsome, athletic, stinking rich, and evidently virile guy who spends the better part of the year on the road. Any male that tells you he wouldn't have done the same thing is lying, if not to you, then to himself.

    • I absolutely agree with you Four Zero Mike Mike

  20. Kids starving in Africa. Oilers 12 points behind second-last-place Maple Leafs.

    And we're talking about what?

  21. A tiger does not change its stripes. A perfunctory apology, then business as usual. He is morally corrupt. The PGA, The Masters tournament and let us not forget Nike, chose to rise "above principle" and hang on to Tiger Woods because to them he means MONEY. If he wears the red shirt again on Sunday it will be proof of his unchanged arrogance.

  22. How about dropping all these wasteful, stone-throwing, abusive, kick-da-guy-when-he's-down, sanctimonious, none-of-yer-effe-business Tiger Wood frenzy? Get a life or a job, or write something useful. Pitch your own garbage, for instance.

  23. if it was u or I having 18 mistresses, would it make the news? Not likely. My wife's friends would want to castrate me but I doubt it would make the news.
    Let it go. Frick!
    He's paying in his own way and you fools are encouraging the media to keep at this.
    Let him sort it out at home and on the golf course nopw

  24. A person like Scott Feschuk really drags your magazine down into the gutter. The man is so holy and righteous and so full of venom that he should be heroic to all the frustrated under achievers. A jealous, jealous, mean little person he is.

    Don't expect me to renew my subscription!!

    Art Wong

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