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Tiger Woods takes “indefinite break” from other women’s vaginas


 

(AP) – Tiger Woods said yesterday he is taking an “indefinite break” from other women’s vaginas to try to save his marriage.

“I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person,” Woods said on his Web site. “To do that, I can’t be spending every weekend traveling to other women’s vaginas.”

It is not clear how other women’s vaginas will cope with the absence of Tiger Woods. Other women’s vaginas were without him for an extended period last year, and public interest in the vaginas waned during his hiatus.

“I hope we get him back soon,” John Daly said. “They always say there is no one bigger than anyone else in other women’s vaginas. But Tiger is.”

Woods gave no indication when he might return to other women’s vaginas.

“His priorities are where they need to be,” PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem said in a statement. “We look forward to Tiger’s return to other women’s vaginas when he determines the time is right for him.”

As Woods steps away from other women’s vaginas to handle his delicate family situation, the repercussions of his absence will have a profound impact both on the present and future of other women’s vaginas, analysts note.

“I think it’s great that he’s going to put his family first and work things out,” Steve Stricker said from Naples, Fla. “Other women’s vaginas will always be there.”

Also affected will be the millions in endorsements that Woods earns for being in other women’s vaginas.

“Tiger has been part of Nike for more than a decade,” Nike said in a statement Friday. “He is the best in the world at being in other women’s vaginas. We look forward to his return to other women’s vaginas. He and his family have Nike’s full support.”

Woods’ agent, Mark Steinberg, told The Associated Press that it was the right decision for Woods and his family.

“The entirety of someone’s life is more important than just his performance in other women’s vaginas,” Steinberg said in an email.

UPDATE: Gillette has announced it will phase out Tiger Woods from its advertising while he takes time away from other women’s vaginas. This suggests, at the very least, a delay in the rumoured release of the Tiger Woods-branded Fusion razor with 13 blades – one for each alleged mistress.


 
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Tiger Woods takes “indefinite break” from other women’s vaginas

  1. Looking forward to lots of stories about other men's penises, now.

  2. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

  3. Now playing:

    Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fire Hydrant

    Horndog Billionaire

    I heard Tiger Woods was looking for a support group. But he couldn't find one for men “who cheat on their hot blonde Swedish wives.”*

    *all stolen from other websites. It's just too easy these days

  4. So, Tiger had some girls on the side. Are we really surprised? He is the world #1 golfer, in good shape and more money then any athlete in the history sports. How soon we forget Bill Clinton the former US president (who has horrible taste in women compared to tiger). If anyone should be a roll model it is Bill Clinton.

    Obviously these girls Tiger was with knew he was married. They knew EXACTLY what they were doing and didn't care. Hearing these sob stories that they thought they were special….give me a break. Let's stop thinking this girls are "sugar, spice and everything nice". If these women were so innocent why did they not turn down a married man's advances?

    If we were talking about a player in the NFL, MLB or NBA this would be a non-story. Look around the NBA and you will see 5-6 illegitmate children all over the country.

    Let's stop pretending that men and women are meant to be monogomous. Let's leave Tiger alone since not one of us is perfect.

  5. dick

    • if that's the best you have, don't bother posting again. That was as limp as eldrick after he, um, "mistakenly," ran his car into a fire hydrant and was "mercifully" found by his "adoring" and "nurturing" ex-swimwear model wife.

      • If that's the best you have, don't bother posting again either.

  6. Feschuk, why don't you try using the word vagina in a column (repeatedly), maybe people will think you're funny. Nah, you're right, they'll just think you're a dick.

  7. Trust me, I'm not a prude or anything. But I didn't expect to find such a vulgar blog entry on the Maclean's website. Talk about unprofessional, imo.

    • I was going to say exactly what MaggiesFarmboy said, but maybe not as well put.

  8. Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?

    The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?

    Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

    The Dude: Oh yeah?

    Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.

    The Dude: Johnson?

    Maude Lebowski: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

    The Dude: 'Scuse me?

    Maude Lebowski: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?

    The Dude: I was talking about my rug.

    Maude Lebowski: You're not interested in sex?

    The Dude: You mean coitus?

    – The Big Lebowski

  9. I see where you were trying to go with this one, but it sort of has the feel of schoolyard humour.

    Best left for the school yard,

    and the ten year olds.

    • Ten year olds? So I overshot my target demographic by TWO years??

      I knew I should have included that literary allusion to boogers.

  10. Seriously this is the most unprofessional crap i have ever came across….here im thinking that im on a professional and credible Canadian website where I can read what Canadians are up to these days and here you go on and show the world what a bunch of idiots Canadians are!! Scott Feschuk idiots like you make journalism a shame!!

  11. I thought this article was funny and clever.

    Then again, I can also make doodies that are larger than the diameter of spaghetti.

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