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Time to have some nice, tolerant babies

Let’s stop worrying about the why, people. The cause of all ‘isms’ is the ‘ists’


 
Time to have some nice, tolerant babies

Photo illustration by Sarah MacKinnon

“The root causes of terrorism is terrorists.”— Conservative MP Pierre Poilievre

Pierre Poilievre makes a good point: stopping terrorism is super easy. We don’t need to invest billions in intelligence and security. We don’t need to explore the societal and cultural influences that abet radicalization. We simply need to go to the hospital, hang around the maternity ward and wait to hear a doctor shout: “Congratulations—it’s a terrorist!” And that’s when we burst in and slap on the baby handcuffs. The world? SAFER.

There is such simplicity and clarity (but mostly simplicity) to this perspective. There is also terrible grammar but—as Poilievre would surely argue—the root causes of a poor education is educationists.

Nevertheless, we should applaud Pierre Poilievre for summarizing—in a few short words—the guiding philosophy of the Conservative government in the world. To ensure Canadians hear about the Poilievre Doctrine in greater detail, I’ve taken the liberty of writing a speech for the MP to deliver . . .

Mr. Speaker:

The world is a complex place. There are seven continents and, at last count, as many as dozens of countries. Stuff happens all the time. Some of that stuff is bad. Bad stuff is depressing.

To my colleagues in this chamber I say: we don’t need to make things harder on ourselves by trying to understand why things happen. Who among us has the time? To attempt to unravel what causes someone to resort to terrorism—well, Mr. Speaker, that’s like trying to comprehend how the mountains came into being, or why the sky is blue, or where babies come from. These mysteries will outlive us all.

Mr. Speaker, the foundation of the Poilievre Doctrine—which guides this government’s actions—is that there is no ‘ism’ for which an ‘ist’ is not directly responsible. The root cause of sexism is sexists. Journalism? That’s 100 per cent caused by journalists. And I think we’d all agree that the root cause of astigmatism is astigmatists. What these people have against our eyeballs we shall never hope to understand.

But it’s not just about knowing, it’s about acting— acting promptly, firmly, without hesitation or excessive amounts of knowledge. For instance, we know that the root cause of racism is racists. That is why our government is launching a national advertising campaign calling on Canadian women to stop giving birth to so many racial bigots. Have nice, tolerant babies instead, ladies. You’ll be doing your country—and yourselves—a favour.

Mr. Speaker, I am proud to support a Prime Minister who never asks, ‘Why?’ Believe me: if he were disposed to asking such questions, would he still comb his hair that way? Haha, that is a joke, Mr. Speaker. To my mind, the Prime Minister’s hairdo is the root cause of handsome.

Canadians want a leader with a clear perspective on the world—a leader who believes that exploring the roots of societal problems is a sign of weakness. And so Mr. Speaker, I implore all members: let us learn the lessons that have been taught to us over the course of our lifetimes. Let us understand the danger of ever investigating, in any depth, any factor that may influence the behaviour of anyone. Instead, let’s just wait and see what happens to us. That way it’ll be a surprise, and surprises are neat.

I would at this point draw the attention of the House to the final 30 minutes of the movie Waterworld. Think about it, honourable members: if no one had asked questions, if no one had probed too deeply into that tattoo of a map on the girl’s back, there would never have been such a dangerous race to find the world’s last remaining patch of dry land. Many lives and jet-skis would have been spared, Mr. Speaker! And all concerned would have been left to live peacefully in their aquatic paradise.

Before I yield the floor, Mr. Speaker, I would say in summary: there are good guys and there are bad guys. The bad guys are bad, and always have been, and always will be. In the words of the noted philosopher L. Gaga, they were born that way.

The opposition parties would have us think about how people become who they are, and why they behave the way they do, and what we might do to change that. But as we’ve demonstrated time and again, our government is about action—not about thinking. So long as I’m a member, Mr. Speaker, our government will never be about thinking.

Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk


 
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Time to have some nice, tolerant babies

  1. Someone else first said that quote about ‘terrorists’, but I can’t remember who (John McCain?). I thought in all that’s been written about Pierre Polievre’s utterance, some journalist would have mentioned that. Anyone know who it was?

  2. As always Scott, thank you. It’s often hard to find the humour in politics, but like any good sherpa, you always seem to know the way! LOL
    Cheers,
    PK

  3. So in summary:

    Good guys are bad because they take advantage of the bad guy.
    Bad guys are good because they’ve been oppressed or misunderstood.

    No-one is really responsible for their actions, anyone in their position would have done exactly the same thing, except for the good guys cause they are really bad.

    Typical logic of the left!

    • I would say the summary runs more like this: it is absurd to say that terrorism, a complex problem, is caused by terrorists. To me it reads like a validation of the phrase, “Know your enemy.” The debate is between those that see looking into the causes of terrorism as a part of making sure attacks like the Boston Marathon (or attacks that were about to be carried out) don’t happen again and those that see this is as “committing sociology” or somehow sympathizing with the terrorists. Think about it. Trying to understand the mentality of a serial killer or a sexual predator doesn’t justify their actions, it helps you to spot patterns and recognize forces that create these monsters. Look at dictators like Stalin and Hitler. You can simply say, they were evil and be done with it OR you can take the approach of historians and closely analyze the conditions that allowed such ruthless and hateful men to assume positions of power.

  4. Funny stuff Scott! Warning to FV – this may cause you great emotional distress. Best if you don’t read it.

  5. I’ve taken the liberty of writing a speech for any MP across the aisle from the Tories to deliver…

    Mr. Speaker.

    The world is a complex place.

    To my colleagues in this chamber I say: we already understand why things happen. There is no mystery. Societal problems are the root causes of what makes a terrorist. American societal problems. Exploring these roots, apportioning blame to the convenient targets–Christians, hunters, pro-life homo-haters–will let us ignore the danger of ever investigating in any depth any factor that may influence the behaviour of anyone from a ‘j-word’-loving ‘I-word’ country. Instead, let’s just wait and see what happens the next Tax Day. Maybe a frothing-at-the-mouth Tea Party fanatic will finally bomb his fellow citizens, as our media experts frantically speculated following the Boston Marathon bombing, and will do so again after the next one.

    Before I yield the floor, Mr Speaker, I would say in summary that the government would have us think about how people become who they are, behave the way they do, is beyond our powers to change. Because the groups that generate terrorists aren’t the least bit interested in becoming like us or embracing our former values. In fact, they hate and fear us as unthinking traffickers of an intolerable modernity. No amount of groveling, appeasing or syrupy declarations of support by telegenic leaders will convince them to abandon their beliefs and join us in creating a gay-celebrating, slutwalker planet.

    Or so they believe. So long as I am a member, Mr. Speaker, my colleagues and I will stand opposed to thinking the issue goes any further than our own conceits that white Americans with opinions and beliefs we don’t share are the root cause of all problems everywhere. And if they weren’t so well-armed, we’d do something about them.

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  7. Scott, Your writing always makes my day and causes me to snort out my coffee.
    Especially loved your mention of our Glorious Leader’s hair!
    Thanks for sharing your wonderful humour.
    Best Wishes from a lowly reader in Northern Ontario.
    Cheers!

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