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Time to open the mailbag


 

Submit your queries below. Or don’t. What am I, the boss of you?


 
Filed under:

Time to open the mailbag

  1. Dear Scott,

    While we all hope for the best, I've got a feeling Helena and Rahim's marriage may not survive all this. (Insert 'expelled from caucus' joke here.) Could you help prepare them for the road ahead by drafting up a singles' ad for each of them?

    Thanks, Sean.

    • I'm available for Helena, but on the sole condition that I get complete control over her political affairs from here on in.

  2. Dear Scott,

    My upstairs neighbours have obviously never learned to walk like human beings, and opt for the elephant stomp at all hours of the day and night. In addition to their other proclivities, it's all causing me to lose sleep. I've attempted a Nancy Ruth but it doesn't seem to be getting the message across.

    Is there another Senator whose ramblings will surely make lightfoots of my upstairs pachyderms?

    • I have the same problem and find that there's nothing like a timely application of a broom handle to the ceiling to nip this in the bud.

  3. How's that Wednesday Mailbag coming along?

  4. Dear Scott

    I implicitly trust Stephen Harper because he is Prime Minister and he has been elected to that position by a minority of Canadians. Am I drunk or just misguided?

    An ex-Albertan and proud of it,
    Tceh

  5. Is Devinder Shory the next Guergis (without the comedic overtones)?

    Just wondering

  6. Sami Salo. Discuss.

    • Did everyone else here the "Balls of Steel" chant when he had the puck on the Canucks opening power play?

  7. Scott,

    Canadians are famous for their ability to create games. This probably precedes the fame of Monty Hall (he literally put Winnipeg on the map – for a canopener from a guy in a rubbber chicken outfit ) and Let's Make a Deal. Subsequently we haveYahtzee. Trivia Pursuit. The list goes on and on.

    Six Degrees of Rahim Jaffer seems to have caught the imagination in Ottawa. So, I thought I'd play along. Here's my chain:

    Rahim Jaffer – Aleem Lakhani – cousin Nazim Gillani – Alf Apps – Gordon Shumway- my tv (1980s)- me.

    (h/t me on a Wherry blog)

    The chain that got me here:

    Rahim Jaffer – Helena Guergis – Navjeet "Bob" Dhillon – Shinan Govani @ Ambergris Caye – Boldface Names (roman a clef) – "B*tch Sassidy and the Crackdance Kid" – your blog.

    Give it a try.

  8. Scott,

    I'm a conservative preacher with a bad back, and I'm planning a trip to Europe. I'm also single. How am I going to carry my luggage from London to Rome?

    — Mr. Quandary

  9. A freind recently visiting me from Calgary claimed his MP is a true THIRSIO, which he then explained means "Tim Hortons in Ottawa, Starbucks in Ottawa."

    Can you guess who his MP is?

    • Wow! I blew that one. THIRSIO = Tim Hotrons in Riding, Starbucks in Ottawa

      • The second version makes MUCH more sense.

  10. Dear Scott,

    Why did you name your puppy "Squib" in the first place? I mean, what were you expecting with a name like that? Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment.

    Yours,
    CR

  11. Dear Scott: As you know, there is an oil leak off the Louisiana coast that has the potential of an environmental disaster. A number of remedies have been tried, but none seems to work.

    Given that diapers and condoms are good at stopping or soaking up leaks, would you recommend that BP manufacture a giant condom to stop the leak? And would you recommend that thousands — nay, millions — of diapers be dropped all across the Gulf to soak up the leak?

    Thanks.

    • Nah, they should just tell Kirstie Allie that the "oil" is actually gravy. Problem solved.

  12. Scott:

    I have an investment opportunity in Liquid Paper and Correct-type strips.

    Anyy thoughts? Want in?

  13. Now that Heritage Minister James Moore's "Canada's Hockey Team" have been eliminated, are there any Canadien teams left in the NHL playoffs?

    • Additionally, Mr. Moore's comment was not just one of national unity, but he also dragged in partisan politics by linking the Canucks uniforms to the colours of the Canadian Alliance. Given that the (Liberal) red wearing Canadiens have surpassed the Canucks are there any political implications? How embarrassing is it for Moore to have equated "Canada's team" and the precursors of his own party with a group of losers?

  14. "When he chases the outrage of the afternoon he is noticed for his topicality, but lamented for his superficiality. But when he does anything more substantive—or at least less tawdry—he is inevitably ignored …" http://tinyurl.com/398tfsk

    Can we get this lonely leader a date or a friend or something?

  15. Snowdy referred to "various backroom favours" at the OGGO committee yesterday. Having never been to a strip club myself, what exactly would this involve?

    • Forgive me God, as I'm about to commit a sin here: It would appear that God is not everywhere, then…

      • I struggle to believe in a god who has more questions than answers.

  16. Now that the Habs have taken revenge for the loss of your beloved Sens (you're welcome, by the way), what are you hoping for from the rest of the playoffs, especially considering that one of Dany heatley or Marian Hossa is going to make the Stanley Cup finals (barring a meteor levelling the arena).

    • Second, perhaps more entertaining hockey-related question: How is it that nobody in the sports media is talking about how weird it is that Sidney Crosby is still living with Mario Lemieux.

      • That also went through my mind. But I'm not in sports media.

          • Give Sid a break (I can say that now that the Habs have disposed of the Penguins). He's freakin' 22 years old! He is still a kid and the Lemieux's are essentially a 2nd family for him. He's apparently close to Mario's kids as well, since he essentially grew up with them the last few years…

          • I'm really close to my kids too, but I like that they live in houses that aren't mine.

  17. Dear Scott; Why is both sides of the house filled with a bunch of tools, and, is it getting worse or am I just getting older?

  18. Dear Scott,

    When Derrick Snowdy testified at the parliamentary committee on Wednesday, he testified that Gillani conducted “numerous business activities at a Toronto-area burlesque establishment where he frequently invited clients and business associates.”

    "Burlesque establishment"? Does this mean that it was some kind of Bettie Page, "dance of the seven veils" thing? If so, I may have misjudged this Mr. Gillani, who obviously has a refined taste in gentlemenly entertainments.

    Your views?

    • Its publication date is scheduled to co-incide with the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Should be quite the celebration.

      • Did you mean winning the Stanley Cup or getting into the playoffs? Or is it the same thing?

        • All impossibilities meet at infinity, HF.

  19. Dear Scott,

    What time is it?

    Pascal Zamprelli
    Montreal

  20. Dear Scott,

    Why doesn't Stephen Harper fake-cry during his year-end interviews to appear more convincingly human to Canadians? Seems to have worked for Guergis (at least, in the short term)…

    • Because his make up would run all Tammy Fay down his face…

  21. Dear Scott,

    I'm a scribbler in Ms. Guergis' central Ontario riding, struggling to come up with a suitable moniker for the Jaffer/Guergis affair without resorting to dropping the rather trite '-gate' at the end of it.
    Thoughts?

  22. Dear Scott,

    What could we do to improve viewership on CPAC? Couldn't we hire younger personalities? Stage reality shows? All the fun in Ottawa seems like a breeding ground for great TV. What kind of show could we air to appeal to the masses?

  23. Rahelena or Jaffergis?

  24. Dear Scott,

    Big crowd on the front lawn of Parliament Hill today. Rights of the unborn, abortion is murder, etc., etc. But then there was this curious activity many engaged in, that seemed more out of place in this country than the weed-fest giant toke-up of a few weeks ago. They called it… prayer. They said it was so that there would be no more abortions. Which is weird. I have only recognized prayer as one option for post-coital contraception. Is it really effective for both indications?

    Best,

    MYL

  25. Scott,

    Got your dry cleaning, filled up your car with gas, and dry humped your wife's leg since the dog is in the kennel for the day. Anything else you want me to do boss?

    Your loyal servant.

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