Early Monday morning, from his hotel room in Toronto, Perez Hilton – a man who gained Internet fame for scribbling naughty bits on photographs of celebrities – sent what is now likely the most famous series of tweets in the brief history of Twitter: “I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP… I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding.”
First of all, I enjoyed the fact that although Perez was apparently suffering immeasurable trauma, he took the time to correctly spell out will.i.am’s name with the periods in all the right spots. Accuracy counts when pleading for the prompt response of law enforcement (and attention).
Second, while it is wrong to wish violence upon anyone (obvious exceptions: John Mayer and whoever invented “hiking”), I was raised to believe it is not quite as wrong to appreciate a devastating left cross delivered in the name of karma.
More important, the episode got me to thinking: what other tweets would we all enjoy seeing from celebrities?
Chastity Bono: “OK, it’s on. Now what do I do with it?”
Rush Limbaugh: “Just got the news from my doctor. Who knew laryngitis could be permanent? Oh well, at least I can still blog and – owww, my fingers!!!”
Kate Gosselin: “You think the divorce episode got big ratings? Wait until everyone finds out I’m actually a dude.”
Ashton Kutcher: “I am completely surrounded by tigers.”
Megan Fox: “The search is over and I’m excited to announce that my new thong wrangler is… Scott Feschuk!”
Kirstie Alley: “The search is over and I’m excited to announce that my new thong wrangler is… whoever Scott Feschuk’s worst enemy is!”
Paris Hilton: “Just flying home from Dubai. You can bring a small quantity of narcotics through security, right?”
I invite you to leave your own dream celebrity tweets in the comments below. A $25 Amazon.ca gift certificate to the one judged funniest by a jury of me. Winner announced Friday.
ALSO: My latest column, from last week’s edition of Maclean’s, can be found here. Featured players include Brian Mulroney, Stephen Harper, Kim Jong Il and, naturally, Dr. Octopus.