Tweets we’d all like to see


 

Early Monday morning, from his hotel room in Toronto, Perez Hilton – a man who gained Internet fame for scribbling naughty bits on photographs of celebrities – sent what is now likely the most famous series of tweets in the brief history of Twitter: “I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP… I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding.”

First of all, I enjoyed the fact that although Perez was apparently suffering immeasurable trauma, he took the time to correctly spell out will.i.am’s name with the periods in all the right spots. Accuracy counts when pleading for the prompt response of law enforcement (and attention).

Second, while it is wrong to wish violence upon anyone (obvious exceptions: John Mayer and whoever invented “hiking”), I was raised to believe it is not quite as wrong to appreciate a devastating left cross delivered in the name of karma.

More important, the episode got me to thinking: what other tweets would we all enjoy seeing from celebrities?

Chastity Bono: “OK, it’s on. Now what do I do with it?”

Rush Limbaugh: “Just got the news from my doctor. Who knew laryngitis could be permanent? Oh well, at least I can still blog and – owww, my fingers!!!

Kate Gosselin: “You think the divorce episode got big ratings? Wait until everyone finds out I’m actually a dude.”

Ashton Kutcher: “I am completely surrounded by tigers.”

Megan Fox: “The search is over and I’m excited to announce that my new thong wrangler is… Scott Feschuk!”

Kirstie Alley: “The search is over and I’m excited to announce that my new thong wrangler is… whoever Scott Feschuk’s worst enemy is!”

Paris Hilton: “Just flying home from Dubai. You can bring a small quantity of narcotics through security, right?”

I invite you to leave your own dream celebrity tweets in the comments below. A $25 Amazon.ca gift certificate to the one judged funniest by a jury of me. Winner announced Friday.

ALSO: My latest column, from last week’s edition of Maclean’s, can be found here. Featured players include Brian Mulroney, Stephen Harper, Kim Jong Il and, naturally, Dr. Octopus.


 
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Tweets we’d all like to see

  1. Tweeter conversation:

    Paris Hilton's new BFF: "In the elevator with a guy with wicked dandruff – I wanted to give him some Head & Shoulders"

    Paris Hilton: "Wow. But how do you give shoulders?"

  2. Lisa Raitt: "I just found this Blackberry on a park bench. Anyone know whose this might be? "

  3. Stephen Harper: "Appeal is stupid, my bad. Calling Obama to send Khadr home"

  4. Andrew Coyne: I am quite pleased with [insert any political party]'s latest budget. I think I'll go smile and hug some puppies.

  5. David Hasselhoff: "schließlich erhaltenes 'Knight Rider' annullierte!"

  6. Brian Mulroney: I just remembered another safety deposit box. Wondering if there's any cash in it.

  7. Torontonians: I guess we could wait more than one week into a garbage strike before filling city parks with our filth and burning trash in front of our houses Mad Max style

  8. Kim Jong Il: I have The Bomb. Now respect me damn it!

  9. Sheila Copps: I like not being so busy. More time for ballet practice.

  10. PM Harper: I'm in Quebec to announce that I'm on my knees pleading for points in the polls with a long-overdue gesture. Er…I mean I'm transferring land to Quebec! Love me!

  11. Gov. Mark Sanford: " Spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina, Why Jon and Kate Why !!! "

    Ahmadinejad: " Israel has attacked the Islamic Republic of Iran with a Swineflu bomb, Iran's security forces are attempting to eradicate the disease by violently beating Iranians"

  12. Mike Duffy: Working late, maintaining my journalistic integir..integra..integer…wait, how many letters can I type on thi…

  13. Elvis: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

  14. Justin Trudeau: Anyone seen Mitchel Raphael?
    Elizabeth May: I think he's shooting the other potted plants. Then he's mine! Cucumber on Ritz, anyone?

  15. Mark Steyn: Sitting in Rush's chair is cool, but the light in here is giving me a headache. Hope he doesn't mind me swiping a couple of his tylenol…

  16. Paul McCartney: PETA demo vs. seal hunt right now. Cool! Canada's GG is coming up to say hi. What's that funny shaped kni……

  17. Mark Sanford: Republicans just can't seem to have any fun without ruining our careers. Another reason to hate Clinton.

  18. Michael Ignatieff: Eating out. Steak undercooked. Told waiter to take it back. He told me to go f**k myself. A fair compromise. (Man, I'm on a roll. lol )

  19. Michael Ignatieff: Eating out. Steak undercooked. Told waiter to take it back. He told me to go f**k myself. A fair compromise.

    • Thumbs up, Sean! Of your many gems on this page, this one provoked the loudest chuckle. Bravo.

      • Aw, thanks!

  20. Jim Flaherty: Accrual or cash basis accounting: Anyone know which is better for hiding deficits?

  21. Christine Elliott : Oh no! Jim wants to take over handling home finances if I win!

  22. Mike Duffy: YESS!!! Just found a Wonka Golden Ticket!!!

  23. Jamie Hynman: Beret caught fire today. Time to change styles. Anyway, definitely a myth that this cream will permanently remove facial hair. Stay tuned!
    Mary Murphy: God, everything is so loud after that ear candling. I sound like a meat saw!
    Kim Jong–Il: package arrived today with Beatles records and sugar cubes. The sugar was great, really loving the records.
    David Lee Roth: Well, that was a most humbling experience.
    Kanye West: Well, that was a most humbling experience.
    Jesus: What's up yall? Been a while. I'm back in the hizzouse representin'. J to the C gon' throw some shit DOWN!
    Oprah: I just realized I am so totally full of shit. I am moving to a monastery.
    Dr. Phil: I will never ever speak in public again.
    Alex Trebek: Yes indeed there is a third type of transsexual!

  24. Osama Bin Laden: Just got a GPS for my birthday. :) What does "current position North 21° 16' 674" East 27° 30' 318" mean?

  25. will.i.am: "I was aiming for Ben Mulroney"

  26. David Letterman: Anyone know which of the two Obama daughters is the oldest? Got a joke about a topless beach, and I don't want to repeat that whole Palin misunderstanding…

  27. David Letterman: Anyone know which of the two Obama daughters is the oldest? Got a joke about a topless beach, and I don't want a repeat of that whole Palin misunderstanding…

  28. Liz Taylor: Shit! I knew I'd outlive him. He better have destroyed every scrap of our correspondence like I told him to.

  29. WINNER – Im going to give it to Jack for his duffy gag. a quality joke and a fun scene to imagine.

    several good entries in there. thanks for playing, all. jack, send me your email at sfeschuk@sympatico.ca

    • Many thanks! My first trophy!

  30. Wayne Gretzky: Hamilton??? NFW!!
    Wayne Gretzky: How do I get out of THAT?

  31. CNN and FOX: Micheal Jackson is dead. Nothing else happened in the world today.

  32. CNN and FOX: Micheal Jackson is dead. Nothing else happened in the world today.

    Iran Leadership: Who is this satan Micheal Jackson? We could kiss him for getting Iran off the front page.

  33. Jay Manuel:

    In this weeks episode of Canada's Next Top Model I'll be showing the girls how to shower and use a curling iron at the same time.