what dion must do to win the next election (hint: it’s right under his nose)


Because I am widely regarded throughout the dominion as an expert political strategist (very savvy), people will often approach me in public with questions relating to what their preferred political leader must do to break out of the pack and triumph in the next election campaign.

Usually, I respond by smiling broadly and saying something harmlessly generic like, “Shut up” or “This really isn’t the place to discuss this, Mr. Layton.” After all, expert advice doesn’t just grow on trees! (Although if you retained the services of a very experty strategist like me, you would always know what does grow on trees. Apples, for instance.)

But I am in a generous mood today and will therefore share with you the opinion of one expert (me – very savvy) on what Stephane Dion needs to do to win the next election.

Stephane Dion needs to grow a moustache.

I know, I know – it’s sounds absurd… until you realize he has no other option. This is Dion’s last real chance to reinvent himself before the next campaign – to convince the Canadian electorate that beneath his awkward, over-earnest and tweedy exterior beats the heart of a man at home in Marlboro Country, a man of purpose and resolve and denim, a man capable of chafing the cheek of any woman foolish enough to accept his kiss – which would be all women, by the way, on account of his moustache.

Forget speech lessons. Forget advertising. The only image-changing option with sufficient intrigue, charisma and raw machismo to catch the attention of voters is to grow a moustache. I’m not talking about one of those impeccably groomed and dignified Jack Layton jobbies. I’m talking about a Magnum-style ’stache, thick and unkempt – pound upon pound of hirsute manliness perched upon the aspiring prime ministerial lip.

A moustache like that will change the way you think about Stephane Dion. You’ll ascribe to him the characteristics of mustachioed heroes of old – mystery, sophistication, the sense of never feeling out of place at an orgy. Plus, in these trying economic times, who doesn’t appreciate the ability of the mustachioed man to thriftily save bread crumbs and other foodstuff remnants for later eating?

Yes, a moustache is the answer. A moustache will lead to Stephane Dion’s enhanced popularity and, come the fall, a panicked Stephen Harper’s desperate but ultimately unwise decision to implement Plan Afro.

UPDATE: Our Web Producer, Jonathan McKinnell, has worked his dark magic…

Do not even try to tell me this would not sway the electorate. Do not even try.


what dion must do to win the next election (hint: it’s right under his nose)

  1. Brilliant! It can’t fail!

  2. Yup, that could do it…a “manly” mustacho. Layton always reminds me of Oil Can Harry.

    I thought Layton was to take off the caterpillar under his nose – some contest or something?

  3. Plus he could raise funds by offering “moustache rides”

  4. Lets be serious about this. Dion needs a better election platform plank than the carbon tax and/or a J.L. Moustache.

    If he wants my vote he will borrow a plank from the recent Conservative pre-election platform and support fair taxation for “All honest,hard-working Canadians” (Ref. J. M. Flaherty speech to the House of Commons standing committee on finance Jan 30 2007)

  5. He needs to break from the pack completely and grow a beard! A Grizzly Adams type beard!

  6. I’d go for a beard – on second thought no I almost forgot the ol axiom! oops – if it is a mustache make it a manly one and not one of those professorial effeminate little pinstripe jobs but a real handlebar with twirls and wax dipped ends. I would also get some lifts as if there is a debate Stevie is considerably taller as well some thought might be given to his working out during the next few months to bulk up and maybe get some shoulder pads in his suit jackets as Stevie is considerably more muscular and a few testosterone pills wouldn’t hurt either!

  7. Toussle his hair, lose the tie and get “the goot” to give him some workout tips.

  8. Hey, it got Giambi out of his slump.

  9. The Canadian public will require more opportunities to see the matching chest hair if this is to be pulled off.

  10. Didn’t think twice about this post the first time. But the update with the pic has totally convinced me that Dion needs to go this route. The Tom Selleck effect!

  11. Shave the head and keep the mustache. It will be a landslide.

  12. By Jove – Blues has it right – yes shave the head!!!!!!

  13. I have to assume that if Dion, Harper, Duceppe or May could grow a good mustache, they would have by now. Some people just can’t grow them, and May probably has the best excuse.

    I suspect fake ones would be too easily spotted as well.

    Someone refered to Harper as muscular… ummm, have you seen our PM? Molson Muscle (or, perhaps, Big Rock Muscle) doesn’t count as actual muscle. You know, since it isn’t.

    Considering anything resembling a policy debate turned into “screwing Canadians” rhetoric, we will be in for a depressing election campaign.

    I will be growing my mustache in support of the NDP. Election mustaches; how very Canadian.

    I also hope this season the Sens allow me to grow a good beard…

  14. Naw, it’s gotta be a handlebar mustache! Long and pointy on the ends so he can twirl them menacingly during Question Period!

  15. Hey Dije = May has the best excuse? (Ouch! Meow)

  16. Kenneth – more menacing, perhaps a little like this? If Jack took his approach, we would have an NDP majority rather quickly.

    Wayne – Well I didn’t want to leave any of the leaders out…

  17. Gaahhh!!!


  18. OMG he looks just like Chuck Norris! Feschuk, you are a very savvy genius. No one will dare not vote for the toughest man on the planet.

  19. Tell that to Huckabee.

  20. ya a nose hair would really help. but what i thought you were getting at when you said it’s under his nose, was in the fact that he should shut his big mouth

  21. how aabout a right forearm tattoo with:



  22. Gee, and I thought the only way for Dion to succeed in helping to make this a better country was by resigning immediately.

    Your moustache idea isn’t bad, but I think my plan would work better for Canada.

  23. He should sleep with Madonna. But no Kabbala lessons.

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