What Women Want, According to Michael Ignatieff

Have you read the Globe story? Apparently, Michael Ignatieff has his Liberals trying to behave “even better” in the House of Commons in an effort to “woo women.”

You heard right, women of Canada: The leader of the Liberal party has come a-wooing! He’s just like The Bachelor except he’s older and he thinks a booty call is a ransom note from a pirate. There are 16.7 million of you ladies but he’s got only 14.2 million roses in his hand, so prepare for the Rose Ceremony (coming right up after he awaits the preliminary report of the Liberal Caucus Subcommittee on Red Flower Management and Distribution).

The article puts it this way: “Liberal MPs are, among other things, trying to be more polite during Question Period in the Commons. Women respond better to politicians who are not hurling insults, Liberals say.”

Personally, I’ve always found that women respond better to politicians who are fictional, like Jed Bartlet and the Joe Biden who has hidden depth and isn’t just a walking gaffe machine. But whatever. If saying “excuse me” after you burp the alphabet is what it takes to win power, Liberals are down with that. (Obvious exception: Judy Sgro.)

Ways that Liberal MPs are being more polite:

• Everyone curtsies all the time. I said everyone, Dryden.

• For first four queries each afternoon in Question Period, can only inquire of ministers how their day is going and if their family is well.

• Henceforth required to use “inside voice” to slyly suggest that all Conservatives are intolerant homophobes.

• Old Liberal approach: “Will the Prime Minister admit he’s the bloodless spawn of Satan himself?” New Liberal approach: “Will the Prime Minister please admit he’s the bloodless spawn of Satan himself?”

• Liberal MPs can ask their questions only if they brought enough for the whole government.

• Instead of doing one question followed by one supplemental, members now required to do one question followed by one hug.