Who thought that Bud Light Lime Mojito was a good idea?

So many things bewilder and perplex. Thankfully, I am here to help you understand.

Who thought that was a good idea?

iStock; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

There is so much in our world that confounds and baffles, that irritates and perplexes, so many things that make us stare ahead in bewilderment and ask ourselves, “Why? Just . . . why?

Climbing Mount Everest. Why? Just . . . why? Attention media: it’s not a tragedy when someone dies on Everest. It’s not even interesting. People die there all the time because it’s EIGHT FREAKING KILOMETRES STRAIGHT UP. Put it this way: if deciding to test the limits of one’s physical stamina were in itself newsworthy, we’d be reading a lot more about Kirstie Alley on that second flight of stairs.

Also, it is said the murderous Yeti can smell the trail mix right on you.

And don’t get the idea that someone successfully reaching the summit is compelling, either. Not anymore. By now, we’ve all read enough about Everest to assume that anyone who makes the peak has basically been pushed, pulled, piggybacked or conveyed in the manner of a human wheelbarrow by Sherpas, for whom reaching the summit is like the end of a dull commute.

Sherpa No. 1: What an accomplishment for you, a humble bond trader from Chicago, to reach Earth’s highest point. Now can you please get out of the BabyBjorn?

Sherpa No. 2: And can we start heading down? I gotta take my kid to soccer practice and pick up some milk.

Everest long ago surrendered its mystery and majesty. Today the mountain is covered in trash, excrement and corpses—it’s basically 1970s Times Square. Making the trek is so trendy that most climbing seasons result in human gridlock near the summit. Did you see the photos from a couple of weeks back? There were more climbers waiting to ascend than in the lineup outside the women’s washroom at a John Mayer concert.

Bud Light Lime Mojito. Why? Just . . . why? When you work at Bud Light, there must be an irresistible temptation to make a version of your beer that tastes like something . . . ANYTHING. And so first we got Bud Light Lime, and now Lime Mojito—because what’s not to like about lime, mint and light beer, other than a liquid combination of those three things? Presumably, next summer all the bros will be sucking back a Bud Light Cool Ranch Dorito and saying things like, “Bro, Cool Ranch me!”—to which the other bro will reply, “Bro!” (I think I’ve got that right. I’ve been studying Rosetta Stone Bro.)

Because I am fearless and dedicated to public service, and also because they were giving away free cans of the stuff outside a recent Blue Jays game, I actually tried Bud Light Lime Mojito by actually placing some of it into my actual mouth. My ensuing eulogy for my taste buds was both heartfelt and profound.

To simulate the experience for yourself, simply coat your tongue with mint toothpaste, let the paste harden into a shell and add a twist of lime and a swig of Bud Light. Then—and this is the most important part—set your eyeballs on fire. The pain will distract you from the agony in your mouth.

National spelling bees. Why? Just . . . why? Exactly what part of the televised spelling bee are we supposed to enjoy? The severe, joyless parents who make the twisted, damaged moms on Toddlers & Tiaras look like nanny material? Or the panic-stricken children whose self-esteem is wrapped up in solving the riddle of vowels and consonants required to spell a word that no one else knows exists? Way to go, kid, you know how to spell “chionablepsia.” Also, you’re 11 and you’ve never been outside.

Am I being too harsh? Maybe. If nothing else, I guess all the kids will remember the event forever, which will be useful in a decade when they need to describe it to their psychiatrists.

The girl who won last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee reacted with such dead-eyed indifference that her younger brother actually used his fingers to push up the corners of her mouth and help her form a smile. Still, she walks away with $30,000 in cash, a trophy, a $5,000 scholarship and the memory of a decade’s worth of weekends spent staring into a dictionary 12 hours at a time while all the other kids listened to music, played sports and learned to tongue kiss.

Congratulations, little girl, and best of luck in all your future unabombing!


Who thought that Bud Light Lime Mojito was a good idea?

  1. For an article that is apparently supposed to be funny, there is an unmistakable mean-spiritedness in the references to recent deaths on Mt. Everest. This renders the remainder of the article as unpalatable as the beverage that is fleetingly discussed. To quote Mr. Feschuk, “Am I being too harsh/ Maybe.” I don’t think there’s any “maybe” about it.

    • Some people like watery beer, some like the taste of Righteous Indignation. I suggest you avoid comedy if you are offended by jokes. Leave comedy to people who understand it.

    • I’ve got no problem with the Everest cracks. Where I take umbrage is the spelling bee crap. Umbrage, yes its a word and I know how to spell it. I even know what it means! Not sure I knew the word at 11, though, and I for sure don’t know the word “chionablepsia.” That takes dedication, and talent, and all around good girliness. So lay off against the Spelling Bee! Uh, it was on TV? When? Right after bowling?
      Also, I really like Bud Light Lime. Haven’t tried the Molito or whatever, because, well, I really like Bud Light Lime!

  2. Dear Mr. Feschu,

    Thank you for speaking the truth, and making me laugh this afternoon. Props to you good sir. Pay no attention to the negative comment by E.A.N. Some people just need to “chill bro”.

    • Right, what was I thinking? Joking about recent deaths is just good fun. Perhaps you could explain that to the families and friends involved, since they probably need some cheering up.

      • EAN, your righteous indignation is a laugh riot. Where some see a human with no sense of humour I see a very dry sense of humour. Kind of like “Bud-Dry”, another failed beer experiment. http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/bud-dry/5921/

  3. *Feschuk. Sorry.

  4. Yeah, dying on Mt. Everest is really a hilarious concept. Hey “Polymer Chemist”, how do you think the families and friends of the deceased would feel about this article? This is callous insensitivity, by a professional journalist who ought to know better.

    • Buy the ticket, take the ride

      • “Buy the ticket, take the ride”? Yeah, that actually doesn’t answer my question at all, but I see it’s enough to get you six “thumbs up” here. I didn’t expect to find any sympathy or support, but at least I expressed an actual rational opinion.

  5. E.A.N., I think when you start planning a hike to the summit of Everest, you’re agreeing to take on some risks. This is one of them. This is your news story: Person decides to do something risky, risk materialises. Insensitive? Maybe, but only maybe. I don’t think it’s totally off limits.

    Maybe take issue with the Kirstie Alley swipe? Maybe.

    • Well, you’re basically illustrating the point I was attempting to make. As events go, death while mountaineering isn’t really equivalent to Kirstie Alley’s weight issues, or how awful the new Bud Light Lime beer is. Yet in Feschuk’s glib article, they’re all pretty much the same. I disagree, that’s all.

  6. The Everest comment might be a tad callous but climbing Everest is damn near suicidal, and for what purpose. Only one person get to be first.

  7. If the families of the dead hikers read this before their sons and daughters, husbands and wives all went up Everest, maybe someone would have had the common sense to try to talk them out if it.

    Same goes for Bud Light.

    The realty is, we learn from others accomplishments and mistakes. For some, making light of it makes it easier to talk about and eventually accept the facts.

  8. Pretty soon beer flavored beer will be a specialty item. Kind of like coffee flavored coffee.

  9. Zounds Mr Feschuk, I take umbrage that you ridicule juvenile orthography virtuosos!

    In all seriousness, though, a lot of kids really do enjoy spelling bees and are terrified of cameras. While I found your other commentary hilarious per usual, your perpetuating that smart kids like spelling bee kids must be forced into it by their parents, and are socially awkward and deprived and don’t going outside, frankly, sucks for those kids.

    They already face enough ridicule from their friends and school mates as they grow older, and children are sensitive. There’s no need to make it any worse by making them feel like an outsider in a community that should feel like home.

  10. Beer mixed with iced tea anyone?

  11. Bud Light Lime Mojito….according to their web site it was inspired by Miami’s South Beach. Yet another reason to hate that sh1t hole!!

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