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Worst. Spam. Ever.


 

I received the following email in my inbox this morning:

Good Day,

I am Mr Vincent Cheng Hoi Chuen, GBS, JP Chairman of the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Limited. I have a transaction of 22.5 Million USD for you.

All confirmable documents to back up the claims will be made available to you prior to your acceptance and as soon as I receive your return email via my email address (vincentcheng@sify.com) and I will let you know what is required of you.

Best Regards,
Mr Vincent Cheng

•••

Dear Mr Vincent Cheng (wink!),

Is this the best you can do? Really? I’m such-and-such-a-dude from Some Big Bank and I’ve got 22.5 million bucks for you. Uhh, where should I send it?

Mr Cheng: I’m disappointed in you. Like most users of the internets, I have certain quality-based expectations of those who bombard me with spam and attempt to defraud me of thousands of dollars.

Yes, I expect spelling errors. Many, many spelling errors. I also expect a shaky grasp of English verb tenses. And I expect – nay, I demand – that the return email address of the purported wealthy industrialist seeking my aid will be something along the lines of superhothornychick@yahoo.com.

But more than all that, I expect salesmanship. I expect effort. I expect more and better lying.

Here, let me help you out a bit. You need to tell a story, OK? Bring me into your highly fictitious world. So maybe you’re a) the widow of a military dictator, b) the wife of an exiled tycoon, or c) the wiener dog of Leona Helmsley.

Paint me a picture. Make it seem plausible that you have access to tremendous cash reserves but that – like in most good Hollywood romantic comedies, and all the shitty ones – there is a highly dubious but remotely plausible obstacle standing in the way of your fulfillment… standing in the way of you retrieving the money on your own. For instance, the fact that a) your late husband’s military rival is now in command, b) your spouse faces trumped-up tax evasion charges, or c) the safety deposit box is too high for you to reach, even on your hind legs.

Once I’ve committed emotionally to your plight, once I’ve bought into your human/canine tragedy, that’s when you try to hook me. That’s when you get all a) “I’ll give you 30% of the proceeds,” b) I’ll pay you a $2-million consulting fee,” or c) “Woof!”

Now get out there and scam me like you mean it.


 
Filed under:

Worst. Spam. Ever.

  1. Sometimes I wish the scams were by fictitious people. Deep sigh.

  2. I personally don’t trust any offer that doesn’t include marrying into Nigerian royalty AND some sort of penis enhancement. Let’s me know they’re serious about tapping my life savings.

    • The really odd thing is no-one seems to figure out that if i’m sitting here in Canada and it’s february and the leafs and sens are out already, plus it’s -40c why not invite over to yr island paradise in the middle of the Indian ocean? I’ll even bring my piggy bank.

  3. Y’all missed the point of the e-mail. Vincent Cheng is the Nick Soros of spam. He wagers on which magazine blogger will be first to post a reference to his e-mail in their blog. He plays the bet short and long so he cannot lose.

  4. Huh?

  5. Wait a minute… Cheng made me the same offer! FESCHUK!!!

  6. Sorry, what’s the problem? You don’t want?

    • hahahahaha :)

  7. I once got one of these claiming to be from an attorney to Kenneth Lay, (the late) former CEO of Enron.

  8. Continued:

    Your work will include following tasks:-well-timed filling of accounts on done work- record keeping of customers in the USA- inform customers about all they’d like to know- Fulfillment of financial deals within the USA. All the following information you will get during an colloquium over the phone.

    Staff requirements:

    Nationality: US
    From 25 years old
    3-5 free hours daily to hold your dutiesobligations

  9. Continued:2

    Your salary will be up to 5000USD monthly. Money will be transferred to your bank account every month.

    Many applicants wishing to have this vacancy, that’s why we’d ask you not to take your time and decide as soon as possible about this vacancy.

    All the information about our company you may find website When you make your positive vote about this job, you should follow these tips. Make a registration at our here .Then find a count of “Executive Manager”. There you should fill in all the fields carefully. All data will de controlled by our security.After that will held an interview over the phone. Then a contract with our firm should be signed.

    We are very grateful to you and hope for a long and mutually relationships.

  10. I think I have you all beat this has to be the worst spam email ever.
    I think some kind of retardation going on here.

    ——————————————————————-

    From: Human Resource Department hr_dep6@gmx.com
    Sent: Monday, February 15, 2010 11:06 AM
    To: Chris Buhneing
    Subject: Job for Chris Buhneing

    Dear Chris Buhneing

    Your CV was found on the CareerBuilder. That’s why we are glad to propound you a position of an “Executive Manager”. Your resume was learnt accurately by our HR department and they were satisfied. Therefore you fit this job absolutely.

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