your friday caption contest: meet eddie murphy’s gigantic oversized novelty head


I know these are tough times. The revelation of the Verne Troyer sex tape has shocked us all. Not quite as much as it has intrigued us all vis-à-vis the “mechanics” of it all and whether you can hear Mike Myers in the background making tiny-penis jokes, but still – we’re all pretty shocked.

And yet duty calls.

The premise of the new Eddie Murphy movie is that Eddie Murphy is some kind of alien robot spaceship thingy, inside which is a much tinier Eddie Murphy, who is controlling the alien robot spaceship Eddie Murphy. I’m not sure if you know this but the film is inspired by a true story – living inside the real Eddie Murphy for the past 30 years has been a big huge jerk.

Anyhoo, to promote the movie – which is called Meet Dave – the studio has sent Eddie Muphy’s Gigantic Oversized Novelty Head on a cross-county tour, which will culminate in a three-day stint in Times Square over the July 4 holiday. At the same time, Eddie Murphy’s Gigantic Oversized Nether Regions are currently in the San Fernando Valley, shooting a three-way with Jenna Jameson and the robot from Short Circuit.

Your mission – should you a) choose to accept it, and b) not be too upset that I had the gall to steal the obvious Where’s His Huge Wang? joke – is to write a caption for this photograph in the comments section below. For the record, the woman in the picture is actress Gabrielle Union, who is not Eddie Murphy and therefore of no consequence whatsoever to Eddie Murphy.

The winner of this week’s caption contest receives the now traditional gift of Something From My House. Last week it was two DVDs (they’re coming, Shannon – honest). The week before that it was, if memory serves, my plumber.

Here are some actual facts about Eddie Murphy’s head that may be of some assistance to you:

Height: 15 feet
Width: 20′
Depth: 10′
Ears: 3′ tall
Neck Size: 17.5…feet
Space Inside Head: 5′ x 7′
Steel cage and supports
Reinforced Expanded Polystyrene (EPS) foam construction
Fourteen 4′ x 8′ x 4′ foam blocks
Five gallons of glue
100 gallons of Polyurea hard coating
3000 pounds of steel

Note: A list of dimensions and materials for the huge model of Eddie Murphy’s head was not available.

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your friday caption contest: meet eddie murphy’s gigantic oversized novelty head

  1. meanwhile, the national tour of joe Piscopo’s oversized Head will feature the actual joe piscopo just driving across the country looking for work.

  2. …you are getting very sleepy and will banish any memory of The Adventures of Pluto Nash…oh wait, you probably never saw that one.

  3. Spice Girl attorneys arrive at family court with plaintiff exhibit A

  4. Finally, science and modern construction have provided us with what nature could not: A vessel spacious enough to accommodate Eddie Murphy’s ego.

  5. If you think 5 gallons is a lot, you should see how much glue they used for the “nether regions”

  6. Disney has unveiled it’s new attraction: Eddie Murphy’s Easter Island Adventure!

  7. In a novelty attempt to engage a distracted youth culture, a group of science educators are using a huge replica of Eddie Murphy’s head to show how gases will expand in a vacuum.

    Passing students are encouraged to insert marshmallows labeled “Eddie Murphy’s Brain” into the over sized head through a specially designed channel in the left ear and watch them expand through the glassy eyes. A spokesmen for the educators would not confirm whether the text morphs as the marshmallow expands from “Eddie Murphy’s Brain” into “Eddie Murphy’s Ego” though several eye-witnesses have testified to that effect.

    At the end of the experiment, (nominally described as “where we illustrate the success of Eddie Murphy movies from the 80s forward”) air will be pumped back into the head, shrinking all the marshmallows down to the size of peas.

  8. Not many entries, but a few that made me laugh and one — the marshmallow one — that made me wish I’d paid attention in Grade 10 science instead of staring straight ahead at Jennifer Whipp’s bra strap.

    Richard, you win. Send me your address via the email link at the top of the post.

  9. “Macy’s Officially Runs Out of Ideas for Thanksgiving Parade Floats.”

  10. Marta, really, Pluto Nash? If you want to talk about crimes against humanity – and several other civilations – let’s talk about Party All the Time…

    In which case the head is in inverse proportion to Eddie’s musical talent…

  11. Next time no math, no science.

    Got it.

    Damn, I was quite proud of that effort!

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