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Your questions, answered (or, failing that, ignored)


 

Submit your questions below for this week’s mailbag, or send them to scott.feschuk@macleans.rogers.com.


 
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Your questions, answered (or, failing that, ignored)

  1. Dear Scott,

    With the tsunamis, Katrina, earthquakes in China and now Haiti, and the fact that attractive women in bars don't bump up against me like they used to, I beginning to wonder if God has abandoned His children. What do you think?

  2. Mr. Feschuk,

    Why has it been so difficult for Mr. Coyne to have his satire properly recognized?

  3. Dear Scott,

    Today's episode of The Price is Right featured a contestant who had clearly been selected because a) she has a huge rack; b) she wasn't wearing a bra; and c) she likes to bounce and wiggle a lot when something exciting happens to her (for example, being selected to be a contestant on The Price is Right). Has The Price is Right always been this awesome?

    • I think that NSC is making a sly reference to today's big news: Take out "Price is Right" and substitute "Harper's Cabinet Shuffle".

  4. Dear Scott,

    I'm trying to write some songs for the upcoming Anti-prorogue/Harper is a Poopy Head rally, but I've got a serious case of writer's block. Any suggestions for a title or lyrics to get me started? If I can use your ideas, I'll share both the songwriting credit and resulting groupies with you (I'll take the girls, you can have the guys – if that works).

    Cheers, Sean.

    • watch the bus driver
      he pulls to the right
      and the shoulder's a slippery slope
      he says the road's clear
      but one look in the mirror
      will reveal the thick trail of smoke

      he says not to worry
      "it's routine procedure
      the law, is on our side"
      but I'm not one of those
      whose eyes easily close
      when the rules of the road are denied

      we owe it to those who will follow
      step up and be true to the code
      it's time to elect a new driver
      it's time to take the high road

      • nice! Do you suppose I could set that to the tune of Highway to Hell?

  5. Dear Scott,

    I can't help but notice while I'm standing in the checkout line at the grocery store or pharmacy, that many womens' magazines (Cosmo, to name one) feature articles along the lines of "We teach you how to give him mindblowing sex – tonight!" or "Read about the super secret awesome trick that will make him beg for more!"

    Being a guy, I know how I…. uh…. function, we'll say. Do these magazines know something I don't? How can they publish a new secret month after month? How many secrets are there? And most importantly, how come women aren't asking me if they can practice them on me?

    Thanks,
    Alex

  6. Dear Scott,

    Your face inexplicably ends up on the cover of The Beaver. What would the title be?

  7. Dear Scott – I've aged in these last 4 years, due to our eroding democracy, Should I get botox injections?

  8. Perhaps you could just cut right to the chase Scott: why was this women who liked to "bounce" her "rack" given a second political life after she botched the Environment portfolio, so poorly?

    • Wow…no chauvinism here.

      Let me guess, you're a member of the "sensitive left"?

      • Around here we refer to it as "today's tolerant and progressive left."

  9. Dear Scott:
    Ambrose was up, then down, and now she's up again. Yet, Bernier stays down and out. Why the double standard?
    Thanks.
    Anon.

  10. If you were a POW and for the next 6 hours you knew you were either going to be waterboarded or placed in a room with John Baird when he is in angry mode, which would you hope for?

  11. Dear Mr. Feschuk,

    Why do Tories floss?

    Yours,

    Jack Mitchell

  12. How many cease and desist letters do I need to receive from Kate Bekinsale's lawyer before I should start taking them seriously?

    Your legal opinion would help but hearing about your co-football blogger's personal experiences in this area would be better.

  13. Dear Scott,

    Me and my friends think you should run for prime minister. We think you'd win. We'd vote AND campaign for you. So, if you were to run for prime minister, what party would you be the leader of and what would be your platform?

    I personally think you should endorse whatever company sponsors those Republic of Bacon ads and vow to rename Canada to the Republic of Bacon.

    What do you think?

  14. That's easy. To get the Grits out!

  15. A bra adjustment should take care of sensitivity on the left. Or right, for that matter.

  16. Dear Scott,

    Were John Baird and Paul Wells separated at birth?

    Sincerely
    Tceh

  17. Dear Scott,

    Are you attending a Canadians Against Proroguing Parliament rally this Saturday?Any tips for those that do?

    Kind Regards,

    sea_n_mountains

  18. Dear Scott,

    What is the sexiest Winter Olympic sport?

    All the best,
    CR

  19. Dear Scott,

    The Royal Canadian Mint has seen fit to make revolving billboards out of our coins. The Mountie quarter from 1972 (73?) was kinda cool because it was the only one folks could think of, after the Centennial Coins of '67. But now? Egads.

    So, anyway, I have gotten pretty good at counterfeiting Her Majesty's head on one side, and I figure I may as well make something up for the other. A new shlocky Canadiana image comes up every other day on the legit coins, so no one would even notice that mine were bogus. What image do you suggest I place on my batch of phony quarters?

  20. Dear Scott,

    After the power outage during the Liberal caucus meeting, Jane Taber quoted an "insider" as saying, “people were tripping and falling. No one got hurt. Amazing how we rely on our vision for co-ordination." Who is this anonymous source, and why are they releasing such obviously classified information?

  21. Dear Scott: what would you do to regroup and rebuild the country if you were the new corrupt leader of Haiti?

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