Culture

How Adam Sandler might sing for the 2020 holidays

"You can grouse and moana, about this damn corona"

We’ve rewritten a few favourites so they better align with this year’s pandemic holiday season, including ‘How the Grinch stole a pandemic Christmas,’ and ‘A pandemic Christmas Carol.’


Writer’s note: I considered writing a COVID version of the Hanukkah tale, but worried that the Maccabees would become anti-maskers in that narrative. So I offer this instead, with apologies to Adam Sandler, whom I met in a hotel lobby once on Hanukkah’s second night.

Put on your chapeau-na, here’s who got corona,
For gloves try Isotonas, celebs who got corona

Jim Parsons got the virus, Lena Dunham as well,
So did Doogie Howser, Walter White, and Stringer Bell
Tony was OK but it hit Samantha Micelli
Same for Chris Cuomo of CNN and Andrea Bocelli

Ellen tested positive, couldn’t tape no shows
Hugh Grant spoke of fever and no smelling through his nose
Pink warned her fans—wear a mask and don’t be silly
Did they listen? Poor Prince Charles and Prince Willy (both got it!)

Being well-knowna can’t save you from corona
Cousin Dave’s homegrowna is no cure for corona

It got into Madonna’s lungs, it got into The Rock’s
False positive, then negative for Vivica A. Fox
Kanye had it, from his family he hid,
His wife Kim didn’t get it — but her sister Khloe did.

Many world leaders enjoyed a covid bump
Others got the virus bad like Boris and Trump
Noel Gallagher from Oasis said “Vaccine? No thanks.”
He’d get a big-ass scolding from Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks

You can grouse and moana, about this damn corona
Call Granny on the phona, to curb risk of corona
So blare your trombona, and drink all the … Molsona,
This year has really blowna thanks to this crappy crappy crappy crappy – Corona