On Campus

Holy crap: Victoria’s pitching a loaf

A recent article in Macleans reports that Victoria is the only city in Canada that- get this- discharges its sewage “raw.” Meaning, if Victoria’s human waste was a DVD, it would be the complete and uncut edition.

Victoria is Canada’s disgusting child. The one who pees all over the toilet seat. The one who, after eating a Caesar salad, gets a white creamy moustache. When Victoria, Ottawa, and Toronto had a family barbecue, Victoria picked his nose and then rubbed his finger in Ottawa’s hair. Toronto, too mature and sophisticated for such childish behaviour, went indoors and watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

After Macleans finally provided proof in a previous issue that Canadians are better than Americans, I was feeling pretty smug. Superior. Arrogant (American, almost). But it doesn’t matter if we’re richer and healthier: we crap in the ocean.

Sure, if we were American, we would be nobly crapping in the ocean to provide a source of methane gas to underwater vents. We would be crapping in the name of Freedom and patriotically slow-motion rippling flags. But it’s still pretty embarrassing that Victoria clearly didn’t sign the Charter of Not Being Repulsive.

But really, why waste so much money on plumbing? It would be less expensive to set up toilet paper stations along the beach.

Yup. I would hate to be a fish in Victoria.