Manufacturing ferment

For a real laugh, sometimes you have to stray from the comics. Yesterday, I found mine in The Globe and Mail’s Health & Fitness section.

“How to talk to your kids about swine flu.” Gold.

Yes, I’m being shortsighted. Yes, I’m being insensitive. But when an issue is pushed that far, it’s almost seducing a smile. Tell me you can take the Dr. Phil special Dr. Phil House: Heroin Twins seriously, and I’ll retract my comment.

But since everyone’s doing it, I suppose I’ll hop on the bandwagon and come up with my own list of helpful hints to deal with the growing pandemic.

How to talk to your kids about swine flu
By Robyn Urback

1. First off, it’s H1N1, jerks.
2. Wash your hands.
3. Lysol the area, then sit your child down.
4. Tell your child you have something important to talk to him/her about. Best to start crying from the get-go. That way, your child will know you’re serious and won’t get distracted by toys or games or other frivolous things three-year-olds busy themselves with as they bask in ignorant global disconnect.
5. Wash your hands.
6. Explain the history of global pandemics, paying special attention to the 1918 Spanish Flu.
7. Detail the molecular breakdown of the H1N1 virus.
8. Now it’s time for the nitty-gritty. Glaze over nothing. Pair positives with negatives to ensure smooth reception. For example, tell your child that a vaccine is in the works, then say that camp/daycare/play dates/day trips/vacations/going outside has been canceled.
9. If your child gets upset, coddle with your words. Physical contact spreads contaminants.
10. Wash your hands.

There you have it! Now get inside, and enjoy your summer.

– photo courtesy of Talea Miller, NewsHour