My fantasy after-Oscar taco party

After watching the 84th annual Academy Awards last night, I was inspired to create tacos in honour of some of the night’s nominees and presenters. Here are my 12 favourite recipes:

1. The Angelina Jolie|
Take a corn taco and throw it out. Next, fry the leg of a sparrow and put it on top of a bed of hummus, which is on top of a leaf of lettuce. Top all that with a shake of all-spice. Smell it, and then throw that out, too.

2. The Bridesmaids
Take your corn taco and fill it with an entire can of refried beans. (This might get messy, so do it over a sink.) Top the beans with a can of peaches and cream corn. Make a fake flatulent sound with the palm of your hand pressed up against a moist arm pit. Enjoy.

3. The Michelle Williams 
Take your corn taco and giggle a bit. Then blush, and just look adorable. Next, sauté some hen of the wood mushrooms in extra-virgin olive oil. Sprinkle with fairy dust and essence of Brooklyn, whisper a Haiku into a child’s ear, and tuck in!

4. The Billy Crystal
Get an Old El Paso taco kit—an authentic, Mexican classic that never disappoints—and make a taco according to their instructions. Don’t listen to the Foodies when they make fun of you for liking something so pedestrian.

5. The Nick Nolte Taco Salad
Take your corn taco and marinate it in bourbon. After a couple of hours, the taco will have disintegrated. Gather the bits of disintegrated taco shells and arrange on a plate. Top with ground chuck, grated orange cheese, shredded ice berg lettuce and a little crow. Wash it down with bourbon.

6. The Meryl
Take your corn taco and fill it with 17 of your all-time favourite foods and then, humbly, eat it.

7. The Sandy Bullock/Kate Capshaw/Melanie Griffith
Take your corn taco and try to not move your face. Then, ask Meryl Streep what she’d fill it with, and why.

8.  The Clooney 
Take your corn taco and put a tight dress and high heels on it and go to every award show you can to plug your nominations. When the press asks you to comment on your relationship with the taco, refuse to answer because the nominations are about your art and not about the taco.

9. The Rooney Mara
Take your corn taco and don’t smile. No matter what.

10. The Weinstein
Take your corn taco and paint it with edible gold and fill it with diamonds and rubies, too. Look at all the other tacos, and then eat them. Eat them all.

11. The Natalie Portman
Take your corn taco, forget that you played Queen Amidala and pretend to all of a sudden be this really serious person because you married a really serious artist and you’ve lost all your sense of irony and fun because you’re an artist now. A really serious one, that couldn’t even play-act like a little enthusiasm and joy into your presentation speech for Best Actor.

12. The Chris Rock
Take your corn taco and fill it with whatever you want. It’ll still be the best tasting taco that you’ve tasted all night.