Quebec pope prospect Marc Ouellet is too Canadian, says Stephen Colbert

'Sorry, but I think God might not want you to use a condom, eh.'

Despite speculation that the man to replace Pope Benedict XVI could possibly be Quebecker Marc Cardinal Ouellet, a Canadian pope just won’t do, at least according to comedian Stephen Colbert.

On an episode of The Colbert Report, which aired Feb. 11, Colbert dedicated a large part of the first segment to Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation.

With the help of his trusty Papal Speculatron 7500, Colbert reviewed potential candidates to replace Benedict, including Canadian Cardinal Ouellet.

“Cardinal Marc Ouellet is also a contender, with only one major weakness: he is Canadian,” said Colbert.

The Pope cannot be polite, he argued: “Sorry, but I think God might not want you to use a condom, eh. It won’t work.”

Then there are the optics.

“And frankly, who wants a pope whose staff looks like this?” said Colbert, as he posted an image of Ouellet wearing pope robes and holding a hockey stick.

Colbert also nixed the prospect of an African pope, even though Ghana’s Peter Cardinal Turkson is considered a candidate.

Colbert’s choice? U.S.A. all the way!

“Folks, I think it is high time we had an American pope,” Colbert suggests. “After all, God’s an American, that’s why the bible is written in English.”

One of the American candidates is thought to be Timothy Cardinal Dolan, who is the archbishop of New York. Though, The New York Times calls Dolan a “long shot.” And the Cardinal, who is known for his humour, addressed his chances like this: “Don’t bet your lunch money on that one. Bet on the Mets.”

But, Colbert is rooting for the long shot for an important reason.

“Even more importantly, Cardinal Dolan is my personal BFF — Bishop Friend Forever,” said Colbert, while he showed a picture of himself with his arm around Dolan.

Watch the clip for yourself, the comments about Ouellet are around the nine-minute mark in the first segment.