Doug Ford's fundraising emails yet to come - Macleans.ca

Doug Ford’s fundraising emails yet to come

A glitch in the space-time continuum gifts Tabatha Southey a bunch of Doug Ford fundraising emails from the future—visions of the days to come, dread warnings and requests for $1

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Ontario Premier Doug Ford (Steve Russell/Toronto Star/Getty Images)

Tabatha, during the last campaign, I kept saying it.
Help is on the way.
Well, help is finally here.
We’re bringing in a big childcare tax credit.
We’re talking up to 75% coverage, and you decide how to use it.
We’re not forcing you to hand your kids over to the government.
You can send your kids to camp, hire a babysitter, or drop the kids off at daycare.
Your kids, your choice.
Think we’re on the right track here?
You should click to donate $1 right now.
Doug

Never mind exactly how this oddly formatted but entirely authentic Conservative Party of Ontario fundraising email came to me along with many others, or that that the Conservatives’ plan will do next to nothing for Ontario families scrambling and scrimping to put their kids in daycare. What matters is that through some glitch in the space-time-email system, I have received more Conservative Party of Ontario fundraising emails. I am getting Conservative Party of Ontario fundraising emails from the future, visions of the days to come, dread warnings and requests for $1, which I feel obliged to share.

Tabatha, during my last email I said it.
Your kids, your choice.
Think we should continue not forcing you to hand your kids over to the government?
You should definitely click to donate $1 right now.
Right now.
Doug

Tabatha,
Remember, help is on the way.
I am on the way.
There is no escape. Click here.
Doug

Tabatha, you can send your kids to camp, hire a babysitter, or drop the kids off at daycare.
Your choice, so insignificant.
I will find them.
You will click here to donate $1.
Doug

Tabatha, think we’re on the right track here?
It’s Cedar Street, right?
Could you possibly move your children?
Somewhere more out in the open.
I’m having some trouble finding them.
My custom van doesn’t do tight spaces so well.
The van is also not very efficient.
Fuel efficient.
You should click to donate $1 right now.
So I can have fuel.
Fuel me.
Doug

Tabatha, I will trade you the custom van.
For your children.
Do we have a deal?
Click here if we have a deal.
Doug

Tabatha, fine.
Forget it.
You can just have the tax credit.
I’m talking up to 75% coverage.
But you wouldn’t have to worry about covering childcare costs if you’d just
Trade me your children.
For a van.
The van has a TV.
You could have had the TV.
The TV in the van.
Click here to see the van you will never have now.
You loser.
Doug

Tabatha, we have told them.
Told provincial conservation authorities.
We have told them we’re reducing payments to flood management programs.
Reducing them by half.
That money would have gone towards flood response.
And floodplain management.
It would have gone towards flood warnings.
But what is a warning?
We have all been warned.
Warned of the flood.
We have been warned of the flood since the beginning.
We’re talking up to 75% coverage, of the land.
It has changed nothing.
Certainly not us.
But don’t worry.
As your new licence plate says, “Ontario, we all float down here.”
Click here to float $1 my way.
Before the waters come.
Doug

Tabatha, I know it’s been a while.
Since the flood.
Since everything was just
Washed away.
How are your children?
Would your children like to join?
Join my army.
Ford Nation has an army now.
You should come to Ford Fest.
We’re releasing all the animals.
From The Ark.
My custom Ark.
It has a TV.
You should click here to RSVP for my Ark party.
Doug

Tabatha, in keeping with my commitment to run government more efficiently,
All ministries are seeking to carry out initiatives in the most cost-effective way.
None of this “two-by-two” crap.
So we just took one.
One of each animal.
Some people are saying this won’t work.
That you can’t make little baby sheeps with just a daddy sheep.
But I’ve been knocking on doors.
And all across this province, people have told me that they’re tired.
Tired of the government shoving what a daddy sheep can and can’t do down their throats.
I’m knocking at your doors, right now.
I’m knocking at all of them. I am everywhere.
And nowhere.
Click here to show the Wynne Liberals that one daddy sheep can make lots of baby sheeps if he wants.
Doug

Tabatha, OK.
That didn’t work out so well.
Our daddy sheep has not made even one baby sheep.
Loser.
But that’s OK.
I’m going to make it OK.
I’m going to make everything OK.
By suing the federal Liberals.
I’m going to sue them, until they agree.
Agree to let my daddy sheep make baby sheeps.
It’s not going to be easy, but I’m committed.
And have committed.
I’ve committed $30 million of tax money to fighting the elitist “no baby sheeps without a mommy sheep” policy.
We’re going to make Ontario open for business.
Solo daddy sheep business.
But until then, you should click.
Click here right now to let us know if you have a mommy sheep.
We’d like to borrow your mommy sheep.
She can ride in my van.
It’ll be a van with a TV.
A TV and a sheep.
Doug

Tabatha, also, we might need to consult more on our sex-ed curriculum.
Maybe in my van?
Click here if you have a sheep willing to write a new provincial curriculum.
Doug

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