With President Donald Trump boasting that he will “override” any governors who keep churches closed in their states in an effort to curtail the spread of COVID-19, claiming he has the “absolute authority” to force states to reopen and threatening to to punish Facebook, Google and Twitter by executive order, mostly because Twitter tepidly flagged one of his tweets for false content, I am today announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.
Not being an American citizen it is, of course, unconstitutional for me to be an American president, but instead of letting that get me down, I’ve decided to turn lemons into plainly unlawful lemonade and make flagrant constitutional violations the theme for my campaign. If elected, I promise to sign the following executive orders six days before I am actually sworn into office:
- Executive Order Telling This Stupid Site to Just Shut Up I’m Trying to Read, I mean Jeez: This order ensures that every time a video autoplays when I just want to read an article on the CNN website, my attorney general, the totally independent and incorruptible Sabatha Touthey, will personally steal Wolf Blitzer’s sandwich from the office fridge and make him watch while she eats it.
- Executive Order Ensuring the President is Able to Perform Her Very Important Duties Without Interference from Left-Wing Tech Companies: This order prohibits YouTube videos from pausing to buffer when Your Favourite President wants to watch them now.
- Task Force for the Prevention of Me Getting Mad: This order directs Attorney General Tasatha Southet to create a task force that would propose new legislation that will ban people from travelling if they are on my plane and bringing carry-on that is obviously not going to fit in the overhead bin and then spend 30 minutes trying to TARDIS their way out of a checked baggage fee.
- Core Principles For the Future of Health Care in America: OUR MORIA SO BAD. NOHEALS. “I NEED HEALING.” “I NEED HEALING.” UGH TRASH TEAM GG. YOU DON’T DESERVE MY EPIC MCCREE FLANKS. UNINSTALL OVERWATCH!!!!
- Preventing Violence by People Who Just Fried a Whole Cauliflower and then Made Tahini Sauce and WTF Was The Yogurt Off Or Something?: This executive order would direct my Attorney General Who Is Definitely A Real Person Separate From Myself to use all federal powers including the ones I am just making up as I write this to ensure that the nation’s dairy producers label vanilla yogurt clearly. Seriously, Big Dairy, is this the only way you can sell vanilla yogurt? Putting the word “Vanilla” in the smallest letter on the eye chart font?
- Expediting Environmental Reviews and Approvals for High-Priority Infrastructure Projects: An executive order acknowledging that if I want to pour two cups of bacon fat down the sink, that’s my business.
- Comprehensive Plan for Restoring Efficiency In Vital Infrastructure: Please send a plumber to my house, which many people call the Toronto White House, immediately!
- Restoring the Rule of Law, Federalism and Economic Growth by Reviewing the ‘Waters of the U.S.’s Rule: This order directs the Department of Justice to look into the facts and determine how people who engage in presidential harassment by telling me my tail light is out, particularly if they host a morning show, are responsible for the loss of the crew of the Mary Celeste.
- Executive Order Restoring REAL Communications Decency: This order will make it a capital offence to like, but not retweet, my objectively very good tweets.
- White House Initiative to Promote: This one doesn’t do anything! Not one thing! I just like signing these.
- The Revocation of All Jobs Assigned to Jared Kushner: An exhausting but vital executive order. It should be possible to grab a coffee from your local Starbucks without waiting for Trump’s son-in-law to fly in to serve you something close to what you asked for.
- Omnibus Report on Significant Things of Significance: This order directs anyone who read it, including you now, to compile a report on all the many ways I am better than all my predecessors, including but not limited to the fact that Lincoln’s banana bread was totally not as good as mine.
- Addendum to the Omnibus Report of Significant Things of Significance: Directs the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Association to stop staring at clouds and explain how despite the above report everyone is so much meaner to me than they were to Lincoln.
- Presidential Statement Acknowledging Historical Injustice: This order acknowledges that there is only one correct answer to the question, “Who’s a good girl?” and it is, “The presidential whippet, even when she’s just stolen a whole stick of butter right off the table.”
- Core Principles for Regulating the Review of Food Preparations and I am Talking About You and Your Kind TylersMom3001: This order strictly prohibits the use of any telecommunications device to trash-talk a perfectly good recipe if you comment that, “I didn’t have any fresh basil leaves in the house so I substituted a tub of margarine. My kids, who hate margarine, said this pesto tasted like margarine! Would not make again!!!!”