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Donald Trump’s CPAC speech, deciphered for humans

’Our administration is running with great efficiency.’ Translation: We’re ahead of even our most ambitious estimates for driving America into the ground!
U.S. President Donald Trump applauds his supporters after speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC, in Oxon Hill in Maryland, U.S., February 24, 2017. (Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

Let’s read between the lines of Donald Trump’s Feb. 24 speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference. His words are in bold.

I wouldn’t miss a chance to talk to my friends. These are my friends.

Question: What kind of grown-up person actually talks like that? These are my friends. Those are my toys. That is my hamster. ONLY I GET TO CUDDLE MR. BIGLY!

Sit down everybody. C’mon. You know the dishonest media, they’ll say, ‘He didn’t get a standing ovation.’ You know why? Because everybody stood and nobody sat. So they will say, ‘He never got a standing ovation,’ right? They are the worst.

Trump uses this line a lot. It makes no sense. If people stand to applaud you, that’s a standing ovation. They are not obligated to sit back down. More importantly, I wonder if Trump will ever agree to give a speech to a crowd that won’t automatically give him a standing ovation? He may start running out of audiences by year two. Folks, it’s great to be here with you tonight at this family dinner. I appreciate the extended standing ovation that everyone is giving me EXCEPT TIFFANY WHO IS THE WORST.

MORE: The Daily Trump Tracker: Ramping up the war on the media

It was very exciting. I walked the stage on CPAC [a few years back]. I’ll never forget it, really. I had very little notes and even less preparation.

It’s never too early to start speculating on a title for Trump’s autobiography of his time as president. Coming to bookstores in time for Christmas 2021: I Had Very Little Notes and Even Less Preparation.

So when you have practically no notes and no preparation and then you leave and everybody was thrilled, I said, ‘I think I like this business.’

“Hey, I bet these stupid morons would vote for any idiot!”

The media didn’t think we would win. The consultants didn’t think we would win. But they all underestimated the power of the people: You.

“You people are the people who were the you!”

And I want you all to know that we are fighting the fake news. It’s fake, phony, fake.

“There are other words I could use to describe it: fake, for instance. Or fake.”

A few days ago I called the fake news the enemy of the people. And they are. They are the enemy of the people.

“Accordingly, I have ordered my National Security Advisor to counter-attack these enemies of the people using the government’s elite Fast & Furious unit, which I thought was a real thing until I saw the looks on your faces just now.”

They say that we can’t criticize their dishonest coverage because of the First Amendment. You know, they always bring up the First Amendment. I love the First Amendment. Nobody loves it better than me. Nobody.

“I love all things that I wholeheartedly fail to understand. You should see how much I love chess and human relationships!”

So we’re all part of this very historic movement, a movement the likes of which, actually, the world has never seen before. There’s never been anything like this. There’s been some movements, but there’s never been anything like this.

“That civil rights movement didn’t even have red hats!”

[The Democratic race] was a little rigged against [Bernie Sanders], you know, super delegate, super delegate. She had so many delegates before the thing even started, I actually said to my people, how does that happen? Not that I’m a fan of Bernie, but a lot of Bernie people voted for Trump, you know why?

Brain damage?

Because he’s right on one issue: trade.


The core conviction of our movement is that we are a nation that put and will put its own citizens first.

Unlike so many other nations, which disregard the needs of their citizenry in favour of launching all tax revenue into the sun.

We’re going to build a wall, don’t worry about it. We’re building the wall. We’re building the wall. In fact, it’s going to start soon. Way ahead of schedule, way ahead of schedule. Way, way, way ahead of schedule.

“In fact, it’s so far ahead of schedule that it’s actually already been built. And did I mention? It’s invisible! It’s a great invisible wall that you can’t see but it is perfect and very tall. No one can get through. If you see someone getting through, it’s probably a ghost. Believe me: You’re going to want to stay away from those Mexi-ghosts.”

Now, I’ve been watching and nobody says it, but Obamacare doesn’t work, folks. I mean, I could say, I could talk, it doesn’t work.

To be fair, Obamacare obviously hasn’t done much to cure the debilitating ailment that is ravaging the make-a-lick-of-sense centre of the President’s brain.

And now people are starting to develop a little warm heart, but the people that you’re watching, they’re not you.

“You may not know this but many people are not you. See that guy over there? Not you. Unless you’re him, in which case we’re the you. Anyway, can you believe I’m the president?”

We don’t win anymore. When was the last time we won? Did we win a war? Did we win anything? Do we win anything? We’re going to win. We’re going to win big, folks. We’re going to start winning again, believe me. We’re gonna win.

Every Trump speech reminds me of padding an essay in university: Patriating the Constitution in 1982 was an important step from a constitutional perspective in terms of it—ie. the Constitution—not previously having been patriated in the years 1981, 1980, 1979, 1978 and so forth backwards in time, meaning previously.

We’ll stop the drugs from pouring into our nation and poisoning our youth. Pouring in. Pouring in. We get the drugs. They get the money. We get the problems. They get the cash. No good. No good.

This is a triumph of multi-tasking: While giving a speech as President, Donald Trump also managed to write the script for an after-school special.

We are also going to save countless American lives. As we speak today, immigration offers are finding the gang members, the drug dealers and the criminal aliens and throwing them the hell out of our country.

Apparently not a single American-born person is involved in gangs, drugs or crime. Those immigrant and illegal aliens must really have a knack for it.

Can you imagine the gentleman—never met him, don’t even know the name of this company. I actually sort of know it, but I want to get it exactly correct. Big, big powerful company, they spend hundreds of millions of dollars on the [Keystone] pipeline, same thing with the Dakota. They got their approvals. But with the Keystone—so they spent hundreds of millions of dollars with bloodsucker consultants—you know, sucking the blood out of the company, don’t worry, I’ve used them all my life, OK? Don’t worry, we’re going to get it approved, I’m connected, I’m a lobbyist, don’t worry. Bottom line, Obama didn’t sign it, right? Could be 42,000 jobs, somewhere around there—a lot of jobs. Didn’t sign it.

But can you imagine, he gave up. A year ago, it was dead, now he’s doing anything, calling his wife, hello darling, I’m a little bored, you know that pipeline that has killed us, that has killed our company. Knock, knock. Mr. so and so, the Keystone Pipeline sir, out of nowhere has just been approved.

I only printed that whole “story” for you to read because I didn’t think it was fair that I had to suffer alone. I’ll say this much: The man has a way with words. If he ever figures out how to put them in the right order, there’ll be no stopping him.

It’s time for all Americans to get off of welfare and get back to work. You’re going to love it. You’re going to love it. You’re going to love it.

By saying it three times in a row, Trump summoned Bannongeuse—who will taunt welfare recipients with his patented brand of vulgar gestures and musings.

READ MORE: A Trump North revolution? Not so much.

By the way, take a look at what’s happening in Europe, folks, take a look at what’s happening in Europe … I have a friend, he’s a very, very substantial guy. He loves the city of lights, he loves Paris. For years, every year during the summer, he would go to Paris, was automatic with his wife and his family. Hadn’t seen him in a while. And I said, Jim, let me ask you a question, how’s Paris doing? ‘Paris? I don’t go there anymore. Paris is no longer Paris.’

The motto of the Trump administration: Policy by anecdote. My friend Jim says Paris is the worst now so we’re going to ban Muslims. My golf buddy Steve didn’t get his fries at the drive-thru so we are NATIONALIZING ALL BURGER KINGS.

Our administration is running with great efficiency.

“We’re already two months ahead of even our most ambitious estimates for driving America into the ground!”

We’re taking meetings everyday with top leaders in business, in science and industry. Yesterday, I had 29 of the biggest business leaders in the world in my office: Caterpillar Tractor, Campbell’s Soup. We had everybody. We had everybody. I like Campbell’s Soup.

Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming President Rain Man. ‘I’m an excellent driver. I like Campbell’s Soup. FOUR MINUTES TO HANNITY.’

We will reduce your taxes. We will cut your regulations. We will support our police. We will defend our flag. We will rebuild our military. We will take care of our great, great veterans … We will cut wasteful spending. We will promote our values. We will rebuild our inner cities. We will bring back our jobs and our dreams.

“But first, I’ve got to spend four hours tomorrow morning watching cable news.”

We will protect our Second Amendment. You know, Wayne and Chris are here from the NRA and … they love our country. They love our country. The NRA has been a great supporter. They love our country. The forgotten men and women of America will be forgotten no longer.

Finally, at long last, a politician who is willing to pay attention to the needs and desires of the American gun lobby!

Global cooperation, dealing with other countries, getting along with other countries is good, it’s very important. But there is no such thing as a global anthem, a global currency or a global flag.

No such thing as a global anthem? So you’re just going to pretend that Sweet Child O’ Mine doesn’t even exist???

No matter our background or income, or geography, we’re all citizens of this blessed land. And no matter our colour or the blood—the color of the blood we bleed, it’s the same red blood of great, great patriots.

Trump has tried this line a number of times, with varying degrees of failure. If I were to narrow it down, I’d say the problem is twofold:

  • Words.
  • He can’t say them.

If Trump had been president during the Great Depression, he would have assured Americans: ‘The thing—the only thing—to be afraid of fearfully is the very thing that I just happened to mention, that being afraidedness—or as many people are calling it: fear, which is itself.’

We all salute with pride, the same American flag, and we all are equal—totally equal in the eyes of almighty God, we’re equal.

Not you, brownie.