With the end of the U.S. campaign finally in sight, let’s look ahead to what Donald Trump will do during the all-important first 100 days—after he loses the election:
As Trump’s epic Twitter meltdown enters its 35th hour, he claims to have lost the presidency on purpose as a marketing stunt for his new cologne: Futility by Trump.
After days of investigative work, CNN confirms that Trump’s concession speech was the first in American history to describe voters as a “huge bunch of dickheads.”
Trump takes small comfort in the fact that even though he lost by 200 electoral votes, he can at least stiff his supplier on that last shipment of Make America Great Again hats.
Remains holed up at Trump Tower, deigning to see only family, close friends and ladies who are a legit nine or hotter.
Releases Scott Baio’s family from captivity.
In what has become a nightly coping ritual, Trump hurls a selection of priceless Ming vases at a cowering Chris Christie.
Prank calls House Speaker Paul Ryan.
TRUMP: Is your refrigerator running?
TRUMP: I hate you.
FedEx guy delivers the “He-Man Woman Haters Club” sign he’d planned to put on the door to the Oval Office.
Trump flies to Moscow. Stands outside the Kremlin holding a boom box over his head.
Buys a dog. Names it Benghazi.
Pays a phone-sex lady to pretend to be a nuclear missile silo operator.
TRUMP: This is the president. Launch strike package bravo against Mexico City.
LADY: Authentication code, please.
After some contemplation, Trump takes a hard look in the mirror and comes to the realization that in terms of his election defeat, he has no one to blame but everyone else.
Opens door to discover Billy Bush living in his dumbwaiter. Slowly closes door.
WikiLeaks hacks the Trump campaign email server. Discovers that 85 per cent of the messages sent by Donald to top aides had the subject line “FW: Funniest Pictures EVER (LOL)!!!”
Distraught and spiritually unsettled, Trump grows a beard, packs a small bag and sets off on an epic around-the-world quest to find himself.
Returns home that same night after checking into a motel and seeing a spider.
Pens an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal in which he argues that the Monopoly game at McDonald’s is rigged. “Three days, three Big Macs and I get Park Place three times? The fix is in, people! Ronald McDonald is a clown and not the good kind! Sad!”
Attends a Home Depot seminar on sink installation.
PLUMBER: Next, we slide the short side of the P-trap onto the tailpiece that extends from the drain and—
PLUMBER: After that, we align the trap arm with the—
STORE MANAGER: Sir, I’ll have to ask you and President Obama’s half-brother to leave.
Trump remains so despondent about the election result that he can barely bring himself to grope the new maid.
In a desperate effort to lift their father’s spirits, his children convince an impoverished widow to sink her life savings into Trump University.
Trump announces his divorce from Melania, citing “irreconcilable wrinkles.”
Immediately prepares audition tape for the next season of The Bachelor.
Life finally starts to return to normal for Donald Trump. For the first time in months, he begins to once again appreciate the simple things in life, like his daughter’s ass.
In a speech to a supportive audience, a reinvigorated Trump denies ever having run for president.