Departing from the behaviour of every previous president, during his first term the current president of the United States:
Greeted predecessor at White House; left wife in car. Made up to wife by allowing wife to add references to jewellery line to official White House first lady bio. Did not convince wife to move into White House; eventually convinced wife to move into White House; did not convince wife to move into White House bedroom. Maintained ownership of companies; doubled membership fees for Mar-a-Lago beach resort. Warned inauguration crowd of foreign attempts to “ravage” United States. Told first lie in office, described modestly sized inauguration crowd as largest in history; saw photographs of predecessor’s larger crowd; deployed press secretary to repeat crowd description as history’s largest; deployed senior adviser to describe inaccurate crowd description as “alternative fact.” Did not release tax returns.
Was subject of historic event on day after inauguration, with largest protests in nation’s history organized against him by members of sex about which he had previously advised grabbing “by the pussy.” Asked, “Why didn’t these people vote?” Learned he did not win majority of votes; requested investigation into voter fraud.
Signed order to build wall between Mexico and United States that he claimed Mexico would pay for; learned Mexican president cancelled meeting with him, would not pay for wall. Had phone call with president of U.S. ally Mexico, threatened to invade U.S. ally Mexico. Had phone call with prime minister of U.S. ally Australia, hung up on prime minister of U.S. ally Australia. Had phone call with president of U.S. adversary Russia, promised to have “fantastic relationship” with president of U.S. adversary Russia. Signed order banning refugees on security grounds. Signed order banning travellers from seven Muslim-majority countries on security grounds; said it was not a Muslim ban. Saw Muslim ban cause confusion, panic and chaotic protests worldwide. Saw judge block refugee ban, saw judge block Muslim ban. Learned acting attorney general defied him; fired acting attorney general.
Heard Black reporter ask if he would meet with Congressional Black Caucus, asked her, “You want to set up the meeting? Are they friends of yours?” Declared free press “the enemy of the American people.”
Invited his “If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father” daughter to sit in Oval Office chair. Learned Nordstrom dropped fashion line by daughter; tweeted attack on Nordstrom. Tweeted would not attack court; attacked court as “political.” Learned top aide was promoting fashion line by daughter. Greeted U.S. ally/Japanese prime minister, shook hand for 19 seconds. Tweeted would bring border-wall price “WAY DOWN.” Did not get Mexico to pay any price for wall.
Told FBI director “I hope you can let this go” about investigation into national security adviser lying about communication with Russian ambassador. Had national security adviser resign; saw leak that national security adviser had resigned; called leak “criminal.” Held rally; attacked “dishonest media.” Gave speech; threatened to “do something” about media. Blocked press members from press briefings; skipped press dinner.
Heard reports attorney general communicated with Russians during Trump campaign; also, that vice-president used private emails as governor; also, that vice-president said his private emails were nothing like election rival’s private emails. Tweeted that predecessor tapped his phone. Attacked judge for “unprecedented overreach” for blocking travel ban. Heard GOP congressman call on him to release tax returns. Did not release tax returns.
Used State Department website to advertise Mar-a-Lago resort. Allowed [pats her lower hips with both hands] daughter to meet with president of China, heard her company had won trademarks from government of China; heard public outrage, allowed “perhaps I’d be dating her” daughter to sit in on meeting with German Chancellor. Learned FBI was investigating campaign links with Russia and election interference. Gave “You know who’s one of the great beauties of the world, according to everybody?” daughter official White House role. Saw former adviser offer to testify about Trump campaign dealings with Russia in exchange for immunity from prosecution.
Tweeted media should not investigate his campaign’s links with Russia, should investigate predecessor tapping his phone. Planned shift to centre. Tweeted North Korea was “looking for trouble”; tweeted Russia relationship “will work out fine.”
Heard tens of thousands of protesters demand he release tax returns. Tweeted protests were small. Tweeted media should investigate who paid protesters. Did not release tax returns. Had wife prompt him to put hand over heart during national anthem at Easter event. Tweeted if wall was not built “the drug situation” would “NEVER be fixed.” Saw disapproval numbers rise; saw “what a beauty” daughter booed at W20 summit; heard German minister say “the mix of politics with family and business reminds us of nepotism.” Called president of Philippines, congratulated him for policy of shooting drug suspects on sight in streets, praised “unbelievable job.” Held rally, accused media of “failing,” being “fake,” working from “very ugly” office building, praised crowd for being large.
Did not get money from Congress for border wall. Did make plans with Russian leader for meeting. Tweeted predecessor’s health-care act was a “lie” and “dead.” Fired FBI director. Saw report he asked independent FBI director to pledge him loyalty. Tweeted fired FBI director “better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations!”
Passed highly classified information to Russian foreign minister. Heard national security adviser say releasing classified information to Russia was not “inappropriate.” Heard reports he asked fired FBI director to drop investigation. Called fired FBI director “a real nut job.” Heard Saudi Arabia and United Arab Emirates pledged $100 million to fund backed by “she’s hot, right?” daughter. Said Saudi Arabia is fighting “barbaric criminals.” Recalled loss of popular vote; created commission to investigate voter fraud; never found evidence of voter fraud. Announced via Twitter new security policy of compromising intelligence sources by sharing “facts pertaining to terrorism and airline safety” with American adversaries such as Russia.
Had hand swatted by wife on tarmac. Shoved Prime Minister of Montenegro out of way during photo op, obtained better position. Learned FBI was scrutinizing son-in-law for proposing secret communications channel with Russia. Called leaks “troubling.”
Tweeted about “constant negative press covfefe.” Tweeted people should not be “politically correct.” Did not release tax returns. Said he would speak under oath about conversations with fired FBI director. Did not speak under oath about conversations with FBI director. Said other people leaking about fired FBI director are “cowardly.”
Learned appeals court ruled against travel ban. Tweeted “the real story” was predecessor allowing Russian election meddling. Tweeted about rejecting “poorly rated” and “psycho” journalist; also journalist “bleeding badly from a facelift” and “low IQ crazy.”
Met Russian president at G20, wife tried to break it up, failed, met Russian president secretly, daughter took empty chair. Tweeted daughter holding seat is “very standard.” Heard reports son set up meeting with suspected Kremlin lawyer, stated son is “high-quality person.” Heard son-in-law deny he colluded with Russia. Tweeted attorney general is “beleaguered,” should investigate election rival’s relationship with Russia.
Instructed police officers to refrain from being “too nice” when making arrests. Again, fired senior staff, communications director. Held rally; again, yelled about former election campaign rival. Threatened North Korea with “fire and fury,” something, something.
Learned woman murdered in Charlottesville, Va., amid marches by racists masquerading as golf caddies with tiki torches yelling about blood and soil; condemned violence “on many sides, on many sides,” praised “very fine people on both sides.” Retweeted cartoon of train killing journalist. Received thanks from former leader of Ku Klux Klan. Received accolades from chief strategist, former executive chairman of racist news site. Fired chief strategist. Complimented former chief strategist. Pardoned racist sheriff.
Watched eclipse, looked directly at sun.
Heard media report Trump Organization contacted Kremlin about Moscow deal during election; heard campaign manager’s lawyer was subpoenaed by the special counsel investigation. Rescinded DACA. Tweeted attack on people “writing books and major articles about me.” Heard “is it wrong to be more sexually attracted to your own daughter than your wife?” daughter complain of liberal critics’ “unrealistic expectations.” Instructed ESPN via Twitter to “Apologize for untruth!” Tweeted travel ban should be “far larger” but political correctness prohibited it. Shook wife’s hand, told her to “go sit down,” pushed her off stage. Called North Korean dictator “rocket man.” Called kneeling NFL player “son of a bitch,” requested team owners remove from field. Heard journalists report secretary of state nearly resigned over president’s stupidity after calling president a “moron”; instructed journalists via Twitter to “issue an apology to AMERICA!”; declared members of free press should have broadcast licenses “challenge[d].”
Heard Puerto Rico mayor beg for hurricane assistance; attacked mayor. Said hurricane not “real catastrophe.” Threw paper towels at hurricane victims. Informed hurricane victims, “You’ve thrown our budget a little out of whack.” Heard his “every guy in the country wants to go out with” daughter and eldest son almost indicted for fraud. Asked CIA director to meet with conspiracy theorist who could explain how Democrats, not Russia, hacked Democrats. Defended throwing paper towels at hurricane victims.
Tweeted instructions at unknown persons to “change tax law!” in retaliation for NFL players kneeling. Did not release tax returns. Appointed gold-level Trump Hotel member ambassador to Canada. Requested secretary of state compare IQ scores with him. Stated, incorrectly and disapprovingly, predecessor never made calls to military families.
Told widow that dead soldier husband “knew what he signed up for.” Tweeted Republican chairman of Senate foreign relations committee “didn’t have the guts” to run for re-election, wouldn’t have endorsed him anyway. Learned campaign manager charged with conspiracy against United States.
Requested judge give someone death penalty. Told Japan’s prime minister he would allow Japan’s economy to come second after America’s. Told North Korea, “Do not try us.” Cancelled visit to DMZ due to fog, not guns. Shook hands with Russian president at dinner, not for 19 seconds.
Spoke favourably of poll showing majority disapproval. Called major media outlet “Loser!” Struggled to locate, open and drink from water bottle. Claimed to turn down offer to be “person of the year.”
Heard media reports chief of staff discussed “great, great beauty” daughter and son-in-law leaving West Wing. Heard media reports wife did not wish to be first lady. Referred to senator as “Pocahontas,” NFL as “weak and out of control!” Retweeted anti-Muslim videos. Suggested journalist be investigated for murder.
Said female senator “would do anything for” campaign contributions. Learned women who accused him of groping requested congressional probe into more than one dozen sexual harassment and assault allegations. Saw photos of himself with new accuser he claimed to have never met. Dispatched lawyer to claim presidents “cannot obstruct justice.”
Wished Happy New Year to even the very dishonest fake news media.” Announced Justice Department is part of “deep state” conspiracy against him. Announced he, too, has big button, bigger than button of North Korean dictator. Assured public he is “very stable genius.” Compressed workday to prioritize TV, Twitter. Mouthed wrong words to national anthem.
Posed query regarding American policy of accepting immigration from “s–thole countries.” Clarified, “I am not a racist.” Heard reports his lawyer bribed porn star with hush money after he slept with her, compared her to “she’s actually always been very voluptuous” daughter, after wife gave birth. Tweeted, “Trump wins again.” Heard wife would not attend Davos. Clarified, “No, I wouldn’t say I’m a feminist.”
Gave speech, noted lack of clapping, accused non-clappers of being “treasonous.” Attacked FBI, DOJ, NFL. Advocated for shutdown of government he leads; had lawyer claim he, not president, paid president’s porn star girlfriend with own money, just because; sent “Did she look a little more stacked?” daughter to winter Olympics. Required memo to appear empathetic toward shooting victims; proposed giving school teachers guns; advocated for importance of strong mental health.
Congratulated Chinese president for eliminating term limits, announced “maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” Reiterated claim he “never met” sexual assault accuser. Reiterated call for investigation into predecessor. Said deputy who did not shoot gunman “certainly did a poor job.” Learned communications director was resigning. Learned ex-chief of staff called him “an idiot.” Fired personal assistant. Fired secretary of state. Learned special counsel subpoenaed company. Learned porn star passed lie detector test. Fired national security adviser. Issued zero-tolerance policy of parents caring for children at border. Tweeted attack on “cheatin’ ” predecessor. Tweeted attack on “untruthful slimeball” former FBI director. Said he did not get wife a birthday gift, praised supportive Black rap artist.
Learned porn star’s lawyer said Russian oligarch put $500,000 in president’s lawyer’s account. Called undocumented immigrants “animals.” Called FBI investigation “witch hunt.” Planned to pardon criminal who pled guilty for breaking campaign finance laws. Issued unprejudiced legal opinion, “I have the absolute right to pardon myself.” Opted not to prepare for his meeting with North Korean dictator. Noted when North Korean dictator speaks, “his people sit up at attention.” Said, “I want my people to do the same.”
Saw photographic evidence his policies separated families at border; denied policies separated families at border; stated, “You have to take the children away.”
Nominated accused sexual assailant to Supreme Court. Defended accused sexual assault assailant as Supreme Court nominee, criticized Democrats’ “meanness.” Heard reports he tore up memos and documents, aides had to tape back together. Met U.S. allies, called prime minister of neighbour and ally Canada “meek,” also “very dishonest and weak.” Kept Queen of England waiting, did not bow, said they had great “chemistry.”
Welcomed national security threat, telecommunications firm from U.S. adversary China, to do business with U.S. Met privately with president of U.S. adversary Russia, held joint news conference with president of U.S. adversary Russia, declared if leader of U.S. adversary Russia said they didn’t do what American intelligence agencies said they did, he had to believe leader of U.S. adversary Russia. Tweeted, “no president has been tougher on Russia than me.” Tweeted, media “hate the fact that I’ll probably have a good relationship with Putin.” Tweeted DOJ and FBI investigations are “witch hunt rigged, a scam!”
Tweeted request attorney general stop investigating his campaign, called investigation a “TOTAL HOAX.” Said son’s campaign behaviour was “totally legal.” Told critics to “be cool.”
Tweeted attack on kneeling Black NFL players. Called critical Black congresswoman “extraordinarily low IQ person,” critical former Black staff woman “dog,” critical Black interviewer stupid. Dispatched white spokesman to clarify he isn’t racist. Tweeted thanks to supportive Black rap artist. Welcomed supportive white biker gang to golf club, complimented “beautiful bikes,” mocked journalists for getting wet in rain. Supported firing FBI agent who had criticized him. Revoked security clearance of former CIA director who had criticized him. Complained of “ridiculously” high cost of military parades. Complained of social media companies “closing down the opinions of many people on the right.” Complained media outlets did not recognize “I have nothing to hide.” Praised Latino border guard for speaking “perfect English.”
Informed former campaign chairman was convicted on eight counts. Informed former lawyer pleaded guilty to paying hush money to porn star on his behalf. Launched petition against ESPN’s national anthem policy, gave himself “A-plus” compared to all predecessors. Signalled desire to pardon former campaign chairman. Announced White House lawyer leaving after accused sexual assault assailant sworn in as Supreme Court justice. Said he would “get involved” with independent agencies DOJ and FBI. Said Google was rigged to shut out conservatives. Said TV cameras were faking technical difficulties to shut out his speeches. Said he had successfully made America great again. Tweeted attack on Canada. Did not get Mexico to pay for wall.
Skipped Republican senator’s funeral; golfed. Learned anonymous administration official penned op-ed claiming they and others were resisting the president’s worst impulses; called op-ed treason; instructed media outlet to hand traitor “over to government at once!” Claimed to fall asleep during predecessor’s speech. Requested attorney general investigate author of op-ed criticizing him. Tweeted attack on NFL. Complained Puerto Rico storm response was underappreciated. Called storm death toll a Democratic hoax. Described banker as unintelligent, poor public speaker, nervous mess, but “otherwise he is wonderful.” Announced, “No collusion!” Announced, “I don’t have an attorney general.” Announced, FBI is “cancer in our country.” Tweeted query, “I want to know, where is the money for border security and the WALL in this ridiculous spending bill?” Did not get Mexico to pay for wall.
Asked sexual assault accuser to bring forward unspecified “filings” against Supreme Court nominee. Declared sexual assault accusation to possibly be greatest injustice suffered by any candidate of any kind in all of history. Declared wealthy Jewish man paid for protesters against accused sexual assailant. Was laughed at during UN speech, claimed was in on joke. Held rally, laughed at sexual assault accuser. Apologized to Supreme Court nominee “on behalf of our nation.” Saw U.S. ambassador to UN leave. Told by wife to put his phone down. Said #MeToo prevents him from saying what he really wants.
Threatened “severe punishment” against Saudi Arabia for disappearance of journalist. Defended Saudi Arabia for disappearance of journalist. Accused Saudi Arabia of staging “worst cover up ever” in killing of journalist, attributed to their “very bad original concept.” Stated Republican Speaker of the House knew nothing of birthright citizenship. Praised barbed wire along border. Praised man who body-slammed journalist. Did not get Mexico to pay for wall. Lost midterms, boasted of “big victory.” Saw White House reporter have mic wrestled away by staffer, had White House revoke reporter’s credentials, had White House release altered video of mic wrestling. Pretended not to know appointee he had met more than one dozen times. Accused French president of insulting him, criticized general who led Osama bin Laden raid, expressed anger with California foresters, suggested raking to prevent fires. Defended Saudi prince for murder of journalist.
Tweeted attack on judges, who “must not legislate security and safety at the border” or “there will be only bedlam, chaos, injury and death.” Gave thanks for himself on Thanksgiving. Learned House would investigate “she does have a very nice figure” daughter’s emails, defended daughter’s “very innocent” use of private emails. Interviewed administrative candidates at Mar-a-Lago. Appreciated senator’s lynching remarks as joke. Threatened to shut down United States government if Congress did not pay for wall. Did not get Mexico to pay for wall. Tweeted attack on General Motors. Tweeted attack on former lawyer. Announced business dealings during campaign were “very legal,” “very cool.” Did not release tax returns. Nominated former host of favourite Fox News TV show as U.S. ambassador to UN. Fired chief of staff. Learned child died in custody of U.S. border agents. Threatened to shut down U.S. government if Congress did not pay for wall. Did not get Congress to pay for wall. Heard former lawyer say he directed him to pay hush money to porn star, calls former lawyer “a rat.” Tweeted that “real scandal” is negative media coverage of him, query as to whether media outlets are guilty of “collusion?” Lost defence secretary. Tweeted that wall is “like the wheel, there is nothing better.” Did not get Mexico to pay for wall. Triggered partial government shutdown for longest time in nation’s history. Learned second child died in same month in custody of U.S. border agents, celebrated Christmas. Became unhappy with new chief of staff. Hinted at firing Federal Reserve chairman. Claimed Democrats secretly love border walls. Claimed only Olympic champion could scale new border wall. Lodged complaint against congressional Democrats via Twitter for “presidential harassment,” asked Congress to pay for wall, did not get Mexico to pay for wall. Blamed Democrats for dead migrant children. Heard chief of staff say of wall, “To be honest, it’s not a wall.” Wished Happy New Year to “the haters.”
Confided he could win office in Europe if he wanted to, protested “but I don’t want to.” Explained war in Syria is “about sand and death. That’s what we’re talking about.” Assessed his generals as “better looking than Tom Cruise and stronger.”
Submitted question to universe, “How do you impeach a president who has won perhaps the greatest election of all time, done nothing wrong (no collusion with Russia, it was the Dems that colluded), had the most successful first two years of any president, and is the most popular Republican in party history 93 per cent?” Said he never said Mexico would pay for wall. Asked Democrats to pay for wall. Walked out of meeting, did not get Democrats to pay for wall. Served visiting athletes fast food burgers. Asked Democrats for just a “down payment” on wall, did not get Mexico/Democrats to pay for wall. Saw ex-adviser arrested for obstruction, false statements and witness tampering; learned ex-lawyer admitted to creating fake online election poll. Tweeted media was “rude” to press secretary, taunted media as “fake news.” Called future political rival “dangerous.” Admitted temporary defeat on wall, reopened government, threatened shutdown if Democrats didn’t pay for wall. Criticized U.S. intelligence; endorsed U.S. intelligence. Complained he does not make enough money as president. Complained he is “victim” of journalism. Complained he did not get Democrats to pay for wall. Proposed “human wall.” Said he dumped defence secretary first.
Heard “she’s got the best body” daughter announce he did not get her or husband security clearances. Held rally, praised German shepherds’ crime-fighting abilities, said he would feel “phony” with dog, mocked predecessor for having dog. Advised Academy Awards ratings would improve if Hollywood ceased criticizing him, claimed predecessor confided he nearly started a war with North Korea, revealed he is inventor of the word “caravan.”
Was subject of 25th Amendment discussions at DOJ to remove him from office. Threatened veto if Congress voted against national emergency along U.S.-Mexico border. Was sued by more than a dozen states over border wall funding. Was nominated by Japan’s leader for Nobel Peace Prize. Called highly regarded newspaper “true enemy of the people.” Posed query to Black actor, “What about MAGA?” Accused Black actor of racism. Appointed gold-level Trump Hotel member ambassador to UN. Did not release tax returns. Was accused of sexual assault by former campaign staffer. Was called “racist,” “con man,” “cheat” by ex-lawyer. Reiterated claims of former election rival’s crookedness. Heard claim U.S. adversary North Korea did not kill U.S. citizen, pronounced dictator innocent. Gave speech, hugged U.S. flag, called special investigation “bulls–t.” Expressed sympathy for former campaign chairman found guilty. Thanked Republicans for supporting wall (physical, not human, not paid for by Mexico); attacked beloved dead Republican senator (“never a fan,” allowed, “some people like him”); expounded upon fundamental weakness of wind power science (“it only blows sometimes”); declared own benevolence historic (“The best thing that ever happened to Puerto Rico is President Donald J. Trump”).
Was subject of House committee request for tax returns, did not release tax returns. Declared America “full.” Saw report on campaign links with Russia released. Saw Homeland Security secretary resign. Saw deputy attorney general resign. Declared United States to be “losing,” not yet great again. Declared London mayor a “stone cold loser.” Told Iran he would “end” it in fight. Lost press secretary. Hosted anti-immigrant Hungarian authoritarian, praised barbed wire fence. Met North Korean dictator, shook hands. Held rally, suggested conditions under which migrants could be shot. Said foreign interference isn’t interference if foreign actor offers information and says, “I think I’d take it.” Promised “when you will see my financial statement, at some point I assume it’s going to be released, you’ll be very impressed by the job I’ve done. Much, much bigger, much, much better than anybody.” Was accused of sexual assault again, said this one “not my type.”
Tweeted skepticism regarding whether four Black congresswomen “are capable of loving our country,” requested they “go back” to countries they came from, ignored fact three born in United States. Warned, “The perils of the internet and social media cannot be ignored.” Tweeted conspiracy theory about death of friend, who was a child predator and sex trafficker. Saw negative polls on favourite media outlet, became unhappy with favourite media outlet, began attacking formerly favourite media outlet. Declared major American city “disgusting, rat- and rodent-infested mess.” Considered buying Greenland, heard Denmark declare it not for sale, cancelled trip to Denmark. Held rally, announced imminent end of child cancer, didn’t follow up. Went to G7, skipped climate meeting, left chair empty, daughter didn’t take it. Skipped comforting storm victims, played golf. Took initiative to issue weather warning of storm for Alabama, disputed National Weather Service correction, produced hurricane map altered with Sharpie.
Cut pandemic early warning program.
Learned impeachment inquiry launched against him for secretly coercing U.S. ally Ukraine to investigate son of future election rival, tweeted “Witch hunt garbage.” Publicly asked U.S. adversary China to investigate son of future election rival. Congratulated U.S. adversary China for 70 years of communist repression. Was booed by baseball fans chanting “Lock him up!” Offered golf resort as next G7 summit venue, for price. Became third president in American history to be impeached. Tweeted in all caps.
Celebrated New Year, killed senior Iranian commander in Iraq. Tweeted in all caps against Iran. Was acquitted by Senate, fired people who testified against him. Commuted sentence of old reality-show guest found guilty of corruption charges.
Tweeted deadly global pandemic was “very much under control,” like flu. Privately told journalist deadly global pandemic was not under control, not like flu. Publicly said pandemic was Democrats’ “new hoax.” Publicly said always knew pandemic was a pandemic, “I’ve felt it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic.” Announced, “I’ll be shaking hands with people.” Blamed predecessor’s rule for lack of tests, blamed Mexico border for spread of virus, praised drugs for saving lives; ignored that predecessor’s rule did not exist, Mexico had few cases, drugs could be dangerous. Said country would be “raring to go by Easter,” learned of half-million cases by Easter. Said he would not assist states with pandemic efforts if governors did not appreciate him. Boasted of ratings for pandemic update broadcasts. Described deadly global pandemic as very mild, and 99 per cent of cases “totally harmless.” Mused whether injecting or ingesting cleaning products could cure virus; denied responsibility for subsequent abuses of cleaning products.
Tweeted attack on news agency favourable to him, not favourable enough for him. Corrected widespread misapprehension among legal community of democratic checks on power, explained, “When somebody is president of the United States, the authority is total.” Heard son-in-law looking forward to U.S. overcoming pandemic, “really rocking again” in a few months; heard son-in-law warning U.S. could not overcome pandemic, might have to postpone election in several months. Said of high pandemic case numbers, “I view it as a badge of honour.” Said of self, not even assassinated presidents treated worse. Learned prison inmates disproportionately infected with virus, former campaign manager released from prison to avoid virus, former lawyer released from prison to avoid virus. Did not wear mask, did take drug. Suggested Speaker of the House a boozer. Called former election rival a “skank.” Accused journalist of murder. Had tweets flagged, signed executive order “to defend free speech from one of the gravest dangers it has faced in American history,” Twitter.
Saw Black protesters in streets not kneeling, hid in bunker. Called Black protesters “thugs,” threatened with “vicious dogs,” “ominous weapons.” Had protesters attacked with tear gas for being in street he wanted to cross for Bible photo op. Said he had Black friends, thanked them for reaching out. Tweeted video of man chanting “white power.” Walked down ramp, struggled; drank water, also struggled. Boasted of passing mental acuity test, said doctors “were very surprised.”
Commuted prison sentence of friend and adviser convicted of obstructing Russia investigation, threatened “automatic 10-year” prison sentences for protestors harming statues. Saw bean company boss shilling for him, saw “she’s really something” daughter shilling for bean company. Expressed well wishes to accused accomplice of dead pedophile friend. Boasted again of passing mental acuity test. Said of reading habits, “You know, I read a lot. I read a lot. They like to say I don’t read. I read a lot. I comprehend extraordinarily well. Probably better than anybody that you’ve interviewed in a long time. I read a lot.” Heard medical experts urge against large gatherings during pandemic; held large rallies during pandemic; made fun of medical experts. Suggested might delay election until satisfied Democrat-preferred method of secure voting secure. Sued Nevada for allowing Democratic-preferred method of secure voting. Had aide explore adding face to Mount Rushmore. Lost aide who had excelled at explaining small crowds were big. Learned New York attorney general subpoenaed son to testify in investigation into overstating assets for economic benefits.
Learned “Sloppy Steve”/former chief strategist charged with defrauding donors to supposedly pay for wall, allegedly paid for others’ cosmetic surgery and golf carts; said didn’t like Sloppy Steve’s “showboating.” Said his supporters’ attacking major American city with pepper spray, paintballs, “cannot be unexpected.” Said police shooting journalist with a rubber bullet is “actually a beautiful sight.” Advised supporters to disregard term limits, drive large and small-d democrats crazy, “say 12 more years.” Learned 200,000 Americans died from deadly global pandemic, explained “it affects virtually nobody,” gave himself additional “A-plus.” Did not resign, ran for second term, suggested would run for more, suggested if voted out would not respect vote, would not leave, would be violence, told white supremacists to “stand by” for it. Didn’t release tax returns, learned “failing,” “fake” media revealed tax returns, owes hundreds of millions of dollars in loans, gave hundreds of thousands of dollars in consulting fees to ““Yeah [you can call her ‘a piece of ass’]” daughter, didn’t pay taxes, basically at all. Caught deadly virus. Didn’t get Mexico to pay for wall.