1. Trump welcomes Putin to White House for first-ever “state slumber party.”
2. New press secretary Ivanka Trump refers to President’s foreign policy as “sophisticated and refined, much like this lace-trimmed crepe blouse from my Spring Collection, available now at Lord & Taylor.”
3. Donald Trump shoots man in the middle of Fifth Avenue.
4. Man turns out to be Sean Hannity.
5. Trump defends controversial practice of putting out tip jar when meeting with world leaders.
6. In a stirring State of the Union speech, Trump brings Republicans to their feet by pointing out that, under his leadership, 38 of 50 states remain largely unaffected by nuclear fallout.
7. After Trump replaces the Department of Education with for-profit TrumpSkoolz, Fox News responds with a tough investigative report: The Energy Crisis of 1973 – What Hillary Knew and When.
8. Ninety per cent of all Americans now working in the coal industry.
9. Number seems low but remember – almost every member of Trump’s hardcore base would have been away from their phones for the official opening of possum hunting season.
10. Special counsel Robert Mueller formally accuses Trump of obstruction of justice, tax fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, racketeering, treason, grand theft auto and, “like, a whole bunch of murders.” Republican senators say they are “concerned.”
11. Trump abruptly cancels appearances at all presidential debates, citing “bone spurs.”
12. Trump wins 17 per cent of the popular vote in the 2020 general election—and a second term as president. The final tally:
Donald Trump: 17 per cent
Mark Zuckerberg: 15
Hillary Clinton: 12
Vladimir Putin: 10
Some YouTube star who won’t be famous until 2019: 9
Bill Clinton in a fake moustache and calling himself “Chet H. Chapman”: 7
Chelsea Clinton: 6
A sentient Google algorithm named “Steve”: 5
George Clinton: 4
George Clooney: 4
Some guy who ran solely on the platform of “not being Michael Moore”: 4
Michael Moore: 3
Jill Stein because of course she would: 3
Eric Trump: 1 (accidentally put self on ballot when he filled out forms wrong for his father)
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