Society

The gold that dare not speak its name

Sure, we won a gold medal. OBVIOUSLY.

Listen, the Olympics have been great and everything, and our athletes have a lot to be proud of and all that. And yes, as CTV keeps pointing out, our country has scored its highest-ever number of bronze medals – which has to be the most Canadian brag of all time: Yay! We’re the most number threeiest that we’ve ever been!

But let’s not sugarcoat it: We may lead the world in moxie and gumption but we fell short in the medals that matter most. It’s going to be a tough few weeks for our people at the United Nations.

An ambassador sits down next to a Canadian diplomat.

– Hey, how did you guys do at the Olympics?

Oh, good. Pretty good.

– Lots of golds?

Yeah, lots of medals.

– You got at least one gold, right?

Sure. Yes. Obviously. Of course we got a gold!

– What was it in?

[covers mouth] Tmmmplnn.

– Sorry, I didn’t catch that.

[pretends to choke to death on a saltine] Trrrrrraaahhhhhhhhkkkkkakakaka–

– Pardon me?

[quietly] Trampoline. Our gold was in trampoline.

– Yeah, I’m going to go sit over there with the guy from Belarus.

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