monday mailbag

Welcome to the Monday Mailbag on Tuesday, where at the time of this posting the list of top terms people use to arrive at Macleans.ca via search engines – a list that is usually dominated by the names Paul Wells, Andrew Coyne and Kady O’Malley – stands as follows:

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I know this is your opportunity to ask me questions, but I have to inquire: What is the deal with you people? You realize there are other pretty ladies on the Internet, right? If you go look right now you might even catch some of them before they put their tops back on. Alternately, one must ask the question: how many different ISPs can Peter MacKay have at his disposal?

On to the mailbag. As ever, these are actual questions actually submitted by actual readers.

Dear Mr. Feschuk: What “Lord of the Rings” character is Iggy most like? Gandalf — with the you-know-what’s? Aragorn — steely gaze, noble background, arrives from abroad, destiny, etc.? Boromir — tempted by the Ring? – Jack Mitchell, Toronto

Dear Jack –

Come on, Jack. What a ridiculous question. This is the Leader of Her Majesty’s Official Opposition we’re talking about. You don’t go comparing the Leader of Her Majesty’s Official Opposition to some fictional midgets with hairy feet – not until 2011 when Jim Flaherty has the job, anyway. And you don’t compare him to wizards or elves or dwarves. Especially when it’s totally obvious that he’s much more like Sam the Eagle from The Muppet Show.

Week 15 NFL football picks by Scott Reid and yours truly can be found here. Warning: May contribute to graphic mental images of me naked save for an empty, strategically placed Cheetos bag.

Welcome to the Monday Mailbag on Tuesday on Wednesday, where you might think having an extra day to work on this mailbag would result in answers far more clever and insightful than ever before, but sadly no.

As ever, these are actual questions actually submitted by actual readers.

Scott: Will you marry me? Despite the Obama victory, I want Canadian citizenship. I can cook, bake, sew, and name all the Canadian provinces and territories. Even more importantly, I am in no way related to anyone who has ever lived in Arkansas. Thanks! – Alison, Washington, DC

Dear Alison –

Thank you for your proposal of marriage. As the tears of joy rise to my eyes, as a smile breaks across my face and I prepare to give my response, I am mindful of having watched enough television in my life to know that true love (the kind of love that can only be measured through increased ratings and a meaningful percentage of subsidiary global merchandising rights – you know, American love) is unlikely to come to fruition without me first suffering from amnesia, being shot by a mysterious, off-camera assailant and “accidentally” impregnating your conniving twin sister.

All of which is my way of saying, dear Alison, my way of saying to you, in response to your proposal of marriage – oh dear sweet Alison! – that I would be truly honoured and deeply blessed to take your hand in holy matrim… [blink theatrically, touch head] uhh, who are you? WHO AM I?? [rip off shirt] WHAT IS THIS THING ON MY BODY?????

[To be continued…]

Scott – this rumoured coalition business has me all confused. I mean, Whitney denies vehemently that she has rekindled her, er, “romance” with Bobby. Is this true?  – Mark

Dear Mark –

You disgust me. How can you even ask such a superficial and gossipy question when we at home are in time of unprecedented uncertainly, a time a growing crisis, a time of coming to grips with the fact that the status quo is completely and totally under attack. That’s right, Mark – Brad Pitt has grown a moustache:

… in the comments below.

Welcome to the Monday Mailbag on Tuesday, where this week we are answering questions related to politics, which used to be known as The Art of the Possible but, reflecting the influence of Stephen Harper, has had its official motto changed to What Are You Lookin’ At?

As ever, these are actual queries actually submitted by actual readers.

Scott: Given that the Conservatives managed to both reduce revenues through a GST cut that no economist in the land thought was a good idea, and followed it up with a mournful ‘so sorry we have to go into deficit spending,’…how the hell does the Conservative party manage to dupe voters into thinking that it’s fiscally responsible all the time? – Jonathan, parts unknown

Dear Jonathan –

The beauty of the process is that they don’t need to dupe voters. Duping the voters, while undeniably fun, is also painstaking and expensive. It’s much easier to do what the Conservatives have done and emasculate the media to the point that pliant reporters and columnists dupe the voters for you – which is much cheaper, even once you factor in Mike Duffy’s bar bills.

How do you emasculate the media and get them to do your bidding? The basic theory is all explained here, in language a child could understand, in this useful text:

In recognition of the Speech From the Throne, the return of Parliament and our latest hilariously doomed flirtation with decorum and civility, next week’s Monday Mailbag shall deal exclusively with queries of a political nature. Submit your politics-related questions below or get that nice Governor-General lady to read them aloud in front of assorted slumbering dignitaries. Whichever.

Welcome to the Monday Mailbag on Tuesday, where if we did iPod listy things like Paul Wells does, every single slot would currently be filled by TV on the Radio’s Dancing Choose, and not only because of its reference to a “foam-injected Axl Rose.” Though partly because of that.

Welcome to the Monday Mailbag, which this week returns from beyond the grave, where it spent a very enjoyable year in a semi-monogamous relationship with Ann Landers, thank you very much.

As it was foretold in the scriptures, so it has come to pass: The Monday Mailbag is risen from the dead. Sadly, the fabric it was wearing over its private bits has biodegraded – so please avert your eyes lest you catch sight of a dangling modifier.