Wizards, bikers, swingers, Kid Rock and Ezra Levant on the high seas

One—but only one—of these cruises was made up by Scott Feschuk

Photo Illustration By Stephen Gregory

Looking for a fun getaway? Here are five theme cruises. Four of them you can book right now. The other? I made it up. Try to guess which one. (For the answer, scroll down past the end of the column.)

The Wizard Cruise. “Imagine!” the website says. “Imagine 600 Harry Potter fanatics, dressed in their finest wizard robes and brandishing magic wands, descending upon a modern luxury liner.” Do you have that image in your head? Now imagine all of the other passengers pointing and laughing. Imagine the three female “wizards” on board getting tired of hearing the same pickup line: “Wanna pet my hippogriff?” Imagine quidditch being a letdown because the snitch is a beach ball and a muggle keeps deflating your water wings.

Listen: I’m not saying this cruise is likely to attract a homely group of passengers, but before the voyage there will be a brief pause as the ship is christened the Self-Love Boat.

Kid Rock’s Chillin’ the Most Cruise. Organizers anticipate a record number of utterances of the word “bro” as Kid Rock fans set sail from Miami, bro, to Great Stirrup Cay.

According to the cruise’s website, “There’s no place else on Earth where you can chill the most like this”—although I for one question the scientific rigor with which that analysis was performed. They didn’t even show their work. Besides, doesn’t getting competitive about who’s doing the most chillin’ undermine the very philosophy at the root of chillin’? It’s somethin’ worth thinkin’ about, Kid Roc’.

Passengers on this five-day cruise will be treated to a Speedo contest, a beer-drinking tournament and something called a Lucky Bitch Contest, with women being “randomly selected” from the crowd—“so get dolled up and ready to show off.” Presumably the written portion of the exam comes later.

Mr. Rock, whose terrible music makes Jesus cry, will perform two shows on board before being fatally attacked by a porpoise—assuming the diorama I made comes true.

High Seas Rally. For this cruise, billed as a motorcycle rally on a ship, the only must-have item in your wardrobe is anything leather and the only thing frowned upon is the proper use of English. “This ain’t no dress-up cruise,” the website says, adding: “Wees treat ya like royalty but don’t cost ya like such.” Is that how motorcycle people actually talk? It sounds more like a pirate living at Downton Abbey.

Anyway, this cruise is a chance for people who own motorcycles and love motorcycles to go on a ship where they can’t take their motorcycles, which makes sense apparently? Activities include the Belly Smacker contest, which I didn’t read about further because I prefer to imagine it. (In my imagination, the contestant is always Stephen Harper.)

Couples Cruise. As many as 2,500 swingers are expected to set sail on this seven-day journey to who cares where because: naked ladies. The ship probably doesn’t even leave the dock. Book now to ensure a lifetime of memories and two months worth of friction burns.

Much of the website is devoted to the question of where you’re allowed to be naked on the ship. You can be naked while sitting out on the pool deck (all chair covers burned nightly!) but you can’t be naked in the elevators. When all else fails, organizers suggest remembering this simple rule: “You have to cover the boobies in the inside public areas.”

The place to be seen on the cruise—although not very well, on account of all the people who’ll be on top of you—is the Playroom, a large space with king-size mattresses divided by what organizers describe as “sensual gauze curtains.” (Sensual curtains? Really? Is there anything that doesn’t turn these people on?)

Ezra Levant’s Freedom Cruise. You know how cruises are enjoyable and fun? Well now they don’t have to be! Join the self-proclaimed “provocateur” and his Sun News Network colleagues on a week-long journey highlighted by “fascinating panel discussions” and other oxymorons. It’s like that old TV theme song: Set a course for adventure—but then ram into an iceberg of tedium!

As host of the cruise, Ezra pledges that all guests will be able to “interact” with Sun TV’s biggest personalities, including Brian Lilley’s hair and the upside-down mop that’s had a prime-time show for two months without anyone noticing. As many as 200 “freedom enthusiasts” are expected to attend the panel sessions, meaning some Sun TV personalities will double their ratings.

So which cruise doesn’t actually exist?

Answer: I lied. They’re all for real.

Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk