Men, we have arrived at our darkest hour since the birth of The Dry Look. Handed a simple challenge, called on to perform a simple deed, we have allowed the unthinkable not only to be thinked but to actually be did. (Screw verb tenses: this is an emergency!)
We have failed, men. We have failed society. We have failed ourselves. Above all, we have failed a perfectly good vagina.
Gentlemen, the rumours are true…
Lindsay Lohan has gone gay. As the gossip sites tell it, she’s in a lesbian relationship with a club DJ named Samantha Ronson. They kissed and hugged on Diddy’s yacht in Cannes, and in so doing overshadowed the fact that Diddy had a yacht in Cannes. (What’s next: 50 Cent in a Winnebago at the Booker Prize?)
Men, Lindsay Lohan was perhaps our finest natural resource – an attractive famous woman capable of seducing three males while simultaneously driving drunk and filming a music video for a song she recorded while seducing three other males in rehab.
I’ll tell you one thing: Warren Beatty would never have let this happen. No hot straight lady ever went gay on his watch. If fact, I’m pretty sure he’s trying to fit into his Captain Wang costume right now so he can fly to the rescue of man’s wounded ego and – what’s that? Warren Beatty wasn’t an all-powerful sexual superhero? Listen, you believe what you want to believe. Personally I see no other explanation for his penis surviving contact with both Joan Collins and Cher.
Men of earth, I ask ye:
Is there no one among you with the sexual acumen to sate Lindsay Lohan’s many hungers, to slake her many thirsts, and then to do more sating and slaking, like, five minutes later?
Is there no one among you with the thespian acumen to hold her tightly and reassure her that Herbie: Fully Loaded was an okay movie in spots?
Is there no one among you with the – slaaaaake! more slaking!!
Where have you gone, Charlie Sheen? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you – but only for a quick second because we don’t want to miss Lindsay and her girlfriend maybe making out.