I’ve been watching Entourage from the beginning, so I’ve lost perspective. That means you’re going to have to help me out. Has the show always been this awful, or is it a new thing they’re trying out?
Don’t get me wrong: I know the series was never really terrific to begin with, but I liked it and looked forward to it. There was something about the chemistry and penis-themed banter among the four main characters that made me overlook the show’s small flaws, such as the fact that the allegedly charismatic, A-list Hollywood superstar is played by an actor who has all the magnetic properties of a marshmallow. Plus, I liked Ari, the agent. He yelled a lot.
I also know the show has been in decline for years, certainly since the Medellin tedium and probably before. But it’s never been this bad, has it? One of Vince’s pals is going to school (Look everyone, it’s Saved By the Bell: The Turtle Years). Another is in high demand among women and big-wheel Hollywood agents despite the fact that all he ever seems to do is wear sweaters and shrug. Plus, we’ve actually had to watch Drama act, which is cruel.
In case you’ve given up on the show, let me get you further up to date by providing the script for half of every episode this season…
Sloan: Hey yourself.
E: What’s up?
Sloan: Hey, Vince.
Sloan: So yourself…
Vince has intercourse. Turtle enters.
Awkward pause. Vince has intercourse.
Turtle: Um… hey?
Ari: LLLLLLLOOO – Vince has intercourse – OOOYYYDDDD!!!!!!
Sloan: Anyway yourself…
E, Turtle, Vince, Vince’s sex partner, Sloan, maybe Willis Drummond for some reason, the 1979 Pittsburgh Steelers, the ghost of Herbert Hoover: Hey.
Another pause. In the distance, a coyote howls.
Ashley: Why won’t my wittle Eric-Werric come play house with me???
Fade to Vince having intercourse.
There. You can send me my Emmy now.
Some have described the E/Ashley relationship as Entourage’s shark-jumping moment, but that’s not quite right. It would be more accurate to say it’s the part of Entourage that makes you wish you were being eaten by a shark. The pain would be slightly less intense.
I like you. Go away. I don’t like you. Come over. Go away. Let’s have sex. Go away. Has there ever been a more tween-angsty Disney, less interesting relationship between two adult human-being-type characters ever committed to film? Fine, The English Patient.
(This is a joke. The English Patient was great and everything. I guess I was just thinking how swell it would be if E abandoned Ashley to die in a cave and then eventually got captured by Nazis.)