As we begin to reflect on the events of 2013, it’s time to answer the question that’s on everyone’s mind: How would some of the year’s top newsmakers make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
1. Fly business class to Toronto at public expense.
2. Buy one slice of bread at public expense.
3. Fly business class to Saskatoon at public expense.
4. Buy second slice of bread at public expense.
5. Fly business class to Ottawa at public expense.
6. Buy peanut butter and jelly at public expense.
7. Throw it all away and go out for a nice dinner at public expense.
1. Recruit a 12-member entourage to make him a single peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. Hurl peanut butter and jelly sandwich against the wall, shouting, “WHY WASN’T THIS MADE BY A MONKEY??”
3. Remove shirt.
1. As a matter of reflex, immediately launch a negative ad campaign against ham sandwiches.
2. Meticulously position bread, peanut butter and jelly on kitchen counter.
3. Warn of grave threat to national economy if anyone else is entrusted to assemble the sandwich.
4. Slap away Jason Kenney’s hand as it reaches for the peanut butter.
5. Write a boring book about old sandwiches.
1. “I do not eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, nor am I an addict of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”
2. “I can’t comment on a sandwich that doesn’t exist.”
3. “I just want to see the sandwich. The sandwich will answer a lot of questions.”
4. “Yes, I have eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, probably while in one of my luncheon stupors.”
1. Assemble ingredients for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. Pause dramatically.
3. Eyes wet with emotion, announce to Canadians that he lives this sandwich in his bones and in his every breath. FORSOOTH HOW HE DOES ADORE THIS FAIR SANDWICH!
4. Pause briefly to praise the wondrous efficiencies of China’s sandwich sweatshops.
1. Nail two slices of bread to a wall.
2. Apply ample amounts of peanut butter to one bum cheek.
3. Apply ample amounts of jelly to the other bum cheek.
4. Turn on music.
1. Publicly reveal his intention to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. Mull over how best to make the sandwich.
3. Assemble a team of experts with decades of experience in the making of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
4. Consult with inner circle of advisers, all of whom have doctorates in theoretical sandwich making.
5. Deliver eloquent address to Congress promising decisive action soon to resolve the ongoing sandwich crisis.
6. Travel to Britain to explore the ancestry of the fourth earl of Sandwich.
7. Lift knife toward peanut butter jar and . . . but wait, is a knife really the right utensil for the job? If you think about it, a spoon can more easily accommodate a greater quantity of . . .
8. Die of hunger.
1. Purchase and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. Submit an expense claim for one peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and also a house.
1. Spread peanut butter on a slice of bread.
2. Spread jelly on a second slice of bread.
3. Press together the two slices of bread.
4. Eat this perfectly good peanut butter and jelly sandwich while standing alone at a microphone as 38 reporters ask Justin Trudeau about weed.
Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk
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