Awaiting the Tiger tale - Macleans.ca

Awaiting the Tiger tale

Why did Woods’s wife have to smash the rear window of his SUV with a golf club?

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Like Scott and millions of others, I’ve been sitting here trying to imagine possible conditions under which the story of Elin Nordegren using a golf club on the rear window of an SUV to “rescue” her husband from a fender-bender could hold up in a way that will eventually have us all saying “Yeah, of course, that makes perfect sense.”

OK, best shot at it. Ready? Premise: Tiger Woods obviously doesn’t drive an ordinary SUV. C’mon, did you really think he would drive the same car you drive and every other schmuck drives? Are you kidding? Do you know how many Travis Bickles a celebrity with even one-tenth of his visibility attracts? And didn’t you see what happened to the Princess of Wales? Christ, no. Tiger obviously drives some kind of crazy military-hardened skunk-works SUV. It’s a given!

What I bet happened was, when he hit the hydrant, it tripped all the secret security features. Collision bars made from high-tech composites on the side doors, chemical sealants, alarms, fire-extinguishing gas, external flamethrowers in the wheel wells. Who knows what-all. Elin had been briefed by the manufacturer; she knew that the only way into the vehicle was through the back. It was designed that way!—that’s the access node for the first responders! “If you ever need to get out of the vehicle, ma’am, just grab a niblick and go medieval on that window.” She was just following her training! She did exactly the right…….

No, huh? Well, heck, I tried. Anybody else got anything?