Barack Obama: Democrat, President... Reality Show Contestant?

Alright America, it's time you picked one of us to be your BFF

“I love this country and think that we could not have a better friend and ally,” Barack Obama, referring to Canada, Feb. 19, 2009

“The United States has no greater ally in NATO than Italy,” Nancy Pelosi, Feb. 16, 2009

“The Indian people… should know that they have no better friend and partner than the people of the United States.” – Obama, January, 2009

“Israel has no greater friend and no stronger supporter than the United States of America…” – Condoleezza Rice, 2005

“America is fortunate to call this country our closest friend in the world,” George W. Bush, referring to Great Britain, 2003

“We have got no better friends than Canada” – Bush, 2002

“We have no greater friend than Mexico” – Bush, 2001

Dear America,

You promiscuous bastard. You’re more than 230 years old – it’s time to settle down already. It’s time you picked one of us to be your BFF and told the rest of the nations of the planet that while they’re still invited to your birthday party, they will not be sleeping over and having waffles in the morning.

This will provide the world with clarity – and not only clarity, but also entertainment, for America must decide its best friend on a reality show in which the countries of the world compete for the affection of the globe’s only military superpower. It’ll have kind of a Bachelor vibe, but without quite so much gonorrhea. I see a Survivor-style obstacle course in which competing nations must overcome Islamic fundamentalism, sidestep economic ruin, form a teenage boy band and successfully eat one of these.