Breaking news from the nether regions

Consider the male genital organ: it is essential for pro­creation, urination and losing one’s job as a congressman. Alas, the scandals of Anthony Weiner and Dominique Strauss-Kahn have overshadowed many other recent newsworthy events involving the penis. Let’s get caught up.

Newsflash! The female CEO of Archie Comics is being sued by her own company over repeated profane outbursts, including an incident in which she allegedly charged into a meeting and shouted, “Penis! Penis! Penis!” Obviously, this sort of lewd exclamation is unbecoming of a corporate executive—not to mention a surefire way of summoning the randy brother of Beetlejuice.

Archie Comic Publications filed suit against Nancy Silberkleit after receiving a private investigator’s report in which she comes off as a “foul-mouthed tyrant” prone to making frequent references to male genitalia. Apparently, the female CEO lacks certain mitigating qualities that would make her vulgarities more likely to be overlooked, such as being a male CEO.

Newsflash! What is the loudest creature on the planet relative to its size? A chirping cricket? A singing cicada? A self-aggrandizing Gary Bettman?

Smaller than a thumbtack, an insect called the lesser water boatman has been found capable of producing mating calls of 99 decibels from its home at the bottom of rivers. According to Wired.com, the aquatic creature achieves its impressive din by rubbing its penis against the ridged surface of its abdomen—“like a wooden spoon against a washboard.” The process is considered a marvel of nature. It also just gave Charlie Sheen an idea for the world’s first X-rated jug band.

Apparently, the insect’s call is so thunderous because pursuit of females among its kind is intensely competitive—and only the loudest get the chance to mate. Though this same phenomenon is seen elsewhere in nature, including in certain species of birds and every episode of Jersey Shore, scientists remain uncertain precisely how the insect uses its crotch to attract such widespread attention. Unlocking the secret could be the key to designing future ultrasonic systems and Adam Sandler movies.

Newsflash! A British company has received European approval for a new condom that can enhance the male erection thanks to a gel that increases blood flow to the genital area. The gel—found in the condom’s tip—is formally considered an “erectogenic,” a designation conferred on certain pharmaceutical compounds and all of Scarlett Johansson’s movies. Side effects of the new condom are said to include rashes, inflammation and exploding penis.

Newsflash! Korean researchers have conducted a study in which they measured the finger and penile length of 144 men who had just been put under anaesthesia for urological surgery. Each penis was first measured flaccid—then was grasped, stretched and measured again. The study found conclusively that the men really enjoyed having their surgery.

It also found some science-type stuff. For instance, the researchers now claim you can tell a lot about the size of a man’s penis by comparing the length of his index finger to that of his ring finger. The lower the ratio, the longer the penis.

At this point, I would like to take a moment to welcome back to the column all the men who stopped reading just now to check the ratio of their fingers.

Dr. Tae Beom Kim of Gachon University did not hold back in reaching a conclusion from the data. “Based on the evidence, we suggest that digit ratio can predict adult penile size,” he said. The doctor formally announced his findings to two attractive blonds in a campus pub. Regardless of whether the findings hold up in men who are not Korean, the study is worth deeper consideration: specifically, considering what the person stuck with the ruler must have been thinking. I’m going to go with something along the lines of: Here I am, a highly educated scientist who dreamed of one day using my expertise to help cure cancer, but instead I am measuring the privates of the unconscious and pulling an all-nighter to run the data for the Wang/Finger Correlation Matrix. Oh well, at least I’m not the guy who has to stretch them out.