Congratulations from Stephen Harper — (did he mention that he's awesome?) - Macleans.ca

Congratulations from Stephen Harper — (did he mention that he’s awesome?)

Given the spirit of the Conservative response to Trudeau’s victory, let’s imagine what the PM might say next

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Congratulations, have we talked about me?

Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Because the Conservatives are super-classy, they released a statement congratulating Justin Trudeau on winning the Liberal leadership. Here it is (for real) in its entirety:

“We congratulate Justin Trudeau on becoming Liberal leader.

“Stephen Harper has an Economic Action Plan that has created 900,000 new jobs since the recession, the best job creation record in the G7. He’s lowered taxes, such as the GST, and increased support for families with measures like the Universal Child Care Benefit.

“Justin Trudeau may have a famous last name, but in a time of global economic uncertainty, he doesn’t have the judgment or experience to be Prime Minister.”

Go back and read it again. The Conservatives were very nuanced about it—but did you notice the statement wasn’t actually so much about congratulating Trudeau as it was about not doing that? Pretty sneaky, right? It’s like, “Hey, good for you, YOU TERRIBLE PERSON WHO IS AWFUL AND ALSO SMELLS.”

Then again, I guess Harper has reason to crow, given that—according to his statement—he has personally created 900,000 new jobs for Canadians since we had the recession he said we couldn’t have because we hadn’t already had it. That’s about 740 new jobs per day created by one man and his plan. Where does the guy find time to watch TV? Let us together call on businesses across Canada to relieve the Prime Minister of this onerous, solitary burden and finally start creating a few jobs of their own.

In the meantime, building on the gracious spirit of the Conservative response to Trudeau’s victory, let’s look ahead to future messages of “congratulations” from Stephen Harper and his party:

April 21, 2013: “We congratulate Justin Bieber on winning Album of the Year at the 2013 Juno Awards.

“Stephen Harper plays piano and is awesome at it and could have been a super-huge big-time rock star if only he hadn’t selflessly decided to forever change Canada by lowering the GST somewhat and doing other ‘governmenty’ stuff. Additionally, it is a well-known fact that Anne Frank prized substance over style. Rather than a ‘Belieber,’ she would more likely have been a fan of the person who recently concluded foreign-investment protection agreements with both Senegal and Tanzania. That’s right—she’d have been a ‘BeStever.’

“Justin Bieber may have 38 million Twitter followers, untold riches and the panting, wide-eyed affection of every girl in a training bra, but in a time of global uncertainty, Stephen Harper was totally popular in high school no matter how it looks from his yearbook photo.

“P.S. Velour was in at the time.”

June 25, 2013: “We congratulate Kim Campbell on the 20th anniversary of becoming the first female prime minister of Canada.

“Stephen Harper has been Prime Minister for 19.7 times as long as Kim Campbell. That’s way longer. For example, if Kim Campbell’s time as prime minister was a single song (probably a lame, sappy one), Stephen Harper’s tenure would at this point be an awesome double concept album about a handsome rogue with perfect, unmoving hair who saves the world from aliens by outsmarting them with his brain thoughts, piano solos and foreign-investment protection agreements with minor African nations.

“Kim Campbell may have lady parts, but in a time of global uncertainty, let’s remember what’s important: 19.7. Haha, did she even unpack? Probably not.”

July 18, 2013: “We congratulate Prince William and the duchess of Cambridge on the birth of their first child.

“Unlike a helpless, parasitic baby, Stephen Harper has the ability to pour his own juice. He can do math, hum in the shower and tie his own shoes (when his personal assistant has a day off). One time in university, he helped a friend haul a sofa bed upstairs and those things weigh about a million pounds. Your move, infant monarch.

“The Queen’s great-grandchild may have a famous family, but in a time of global uncertainty, you know what’s really cute and adorable? The ability to personally create 900,000 jobs out of thin air. Also, that velour sweater from high school. Stephen Harper totally made that thing work.”

Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk