Oprah Thrilled By Choice
CHICAGO – Oprah Winfrey says she’s “over the moon” to have been selected to appear on the July issue of O, the Oprah Magazine. This marks the talk show host’s first appearance on the cover of the popular lifestyle magazine since the June issue.
“The magazine’s editor told me last night and I was like, ‘Wow! Are you sure about this?’ It’s such an incredible honour,” Winfrey said. During its illustrious history, O has featured on its cover such international celebrities as Oprah Winfrey.
In an unrelated story, Winfrey announced that she has renewed for another month the contract of the editor of O, the Oprah Magazine.
Aiken Remains Mum on Rumours
HOLLYWOOD – Clay Aiken, who gained fame on American Idol, has once again refused to discuss the topic of his sexuality.
Curiosity about Aiken’s sexual leanings was rekindled amid news that he had fathered a baby with an older woman – but had done so through artificial insemination, generally regarded as the “less fun” of the available alternatives.
“Straight, gay – these are just labels,” the singer said while having sex with another man.
O’Neal Express Regret
NEW YORK – Tatum O’Neal has issued a formal apology to fellow celebrities for failing to follow strict guidelines established to help famous people elude arrest.
O’Neal, who began her career as a child actor in the 1970s, was caught buying crack cocaine outside her New York apartment. Upon being confronted by police, she first asked, “You know who I am, right?” – and then insisted she had purchased the crack as “research” for an upcoming role as “a junkie.”
O’Neal expressed regret that she failed to issue the crucial third element of the celebrity defence: “Want to see my boobs?”
Britney Survives Nightmare
HOLLYWOOD – Britney Spears is recovering after a harrowing ordeal in which she completely forgot why she was famous in the first place.
“It was totally awful,” Spears said in an exclusive interview conducted at her bedside. “It was like forgetting your name, except I knew my name. So I guess it was more like forgetting why you were famous. Which is actually what it was, actually.”
The nightmare began during a rare shared meal with ex-husband Kevin Federline and a small group of friends. “Kevin had just served his famous jerky chowder, and one of my girlfriends said, all casual like, ‘So Brit, when you gonna get back to work full-time?’ And there was, like, this pause. And then I was like, ‘Whoa! WHOA!! I totally forget what I do.’”
A career in the medical sciences was quickly ruled out. Working from the evidence at hand, dinner guests assembled a list of potential occupations that included movie star, TV star and astronaut. “Oh, that was Kevin,” Spears said, rolling her eyes. “Because I like Tang.”
The mystery as to the source of Spears’ fame was solved when, during an impromptu sing-a-long, one of the dinner guests finally looked at her chest.
Cruise Not Crazy, Cruise Says
NEW YORK – Tom Cruise is demanding that celebrity tabloids bring back the rumour about his sexual orientation, because he prefers it to the rumour that he’s crazy.
“I’m not gay, but I’m even less crazy,” Cruise said last night during an appearance on David Letterman’s talk show.
“The tabloids will write anything. They’ll make stuff up. They’ll write, ‘Ooo, that Tom Cruise is nutso! He went on national television and he wasn’t wearing any pants,” said Cruise, who was pantless, and later admitted that wasn’t the best choice of examples.
It’s been a difficult stretch for Cruise, whose image as a white-toothed matinee idol was sullied first by his over-the-top proclamations of affection for his then-girlfriend, Katie Holmes, and then by the increased vigor with which he promoted his association with Scientology. His current Sure I’m Crazy… Crazy Like a Fox! HahahHAhahaHEH!! publicity tour – designed to repair his public persona – hasn’t helped much, what with all his inexplicable clucking.