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honey, the microwave is horny

Bill Gates said today that significant changes are in store for the Internet in the coming decade. What will be the biggest advances?

  • Eliminating cumbersome screen interface, porn becomes downloadable directly to crotch.
  • Increasingly ineffective pop-up advertising replaced with harder-to-ignore boxing glove that punches you in face.
  • Separate Internet established for old people just discovering dancing baby and “YouTubes or whatever it’s called.”

  • “Successful” John McCain candidacy revealed to have been hilarious Internet hoax.
  • Household appliances will be networked into web, empowering your fridge to email you when you’re out of milk and your toaster to email you when it’s sad.
  • TMZ.com to launch next-generation website offering 24-hour surveillance of Britney Spears’ left breast.
  • Intrepid sleuthing reveals wealthy Nigerian dictator was actually alive and well the whole time!
  • Online GPS tracking of teenagers enables parents to discover in real time just how unpopular and boring their kids really are.
  • Political campaigns henceforth waged exclusively on the web, leading to surefire “Obama-Star Wars kid” ticket for 2012 election.
  • New feature allows you to reply to forwarded list of terrible jokes with lethal electric shock.

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