How to keep up with China? Donuts, apparently

First off, my column from this past week’s magazine can be found here. It references Jack Layton and Keebler elves, though not in any sort of sexual context so far as you know.

More importantly: Yesterday, our Prime Minister gave a little speech at the Tim Hortons Innovation Centre in Oakville, Ont. Stephen Harper spoke about taxes. He spoke about Afghanistan. Yet at no point did he so much as allude to the most pressing issue on the minds of Canadians tuned in to his address: the Tim Hortons Innovation Centre? What the hell??!

Why the secrecy, Prime Minister? Exactly what “innovations” are they working on at the Tim Hortons Innovation Centre?

• Self-eating cruller.

• Universe’s first “muffin wormhole” – which transports you instantly through time and space to your much fatter self.

• Making each Boston cream so bostony that we can actually taste the Youkilis.

• Blueberry fritter with built-in defibrillator.

• More efficient method of getting jelly into jelly donut, such as “micro-biotic compression air technology” or “magic.”

• New line of Fairish Trade coffee, whereby growers are not offered improved compensation but they do get their hair tousled lovingly.

• More aerodynamic Roll Up the Rim cup is 17% easier to throw away dejectedly.

• Bowl of soup served inside a hollowed-out loaf of bread served inside a live elk.

• They said we simply couldn’t slather any more cream cheese onto our bagels but screw them we’re going for it.

• New line of healthier donuts that comes with 20% less fat, 70% less taste and 100% less anyone ever buying them.

• Self-aware Timbits with the capacity to love.

• Something that’s even more embarrassing for a guy to order than a French Vanilla Cappucino — like maybe a Cuddly Bunny cookie or a hysterectomy.