i am emotionally crushed to discover i am no longer the world’s leading making-funner of steve guttenberg

I am humbled, a defeated man.

For years now – lo, for more than a decade – I have made it my business to make fun of Steve Guttenberg. With tens of throwaway insults, with dozens of mean-spirited jabs, with scores of synonyms for “has-been,” I took aim and fired.

Yes, he was a fish in a barrel – an actor of marginal talent whose career as a box-office star in 1980s’ America proved every bit as faddish as leg warmers and our collective mistaking of Melanie Griffith’s bosom for thespian ability.

But long after most people had forgotten who Steve Guttenberg was, I continued to make references to him, pointing out that people were forgetting who Steve Guttenberg was. Yes, my efforts were redundant, dated, even childish – but sometimes I’d get to mention the guy from Police Academy who made all those sound effects with his mouth. And that was something everyone could enjoy.

Point is: Making fun of Steve Guttenberg was my thing.

It has therefore come as a heavy blow to discover that I am not king of this particular castle – the Castle of Making Fun of Steve Guttenberg. (It’s located upon the celebrity moors, right next to the Castle of Pointing Out That Charlie Sheen Likes Hookers. Take a left at the Castle of Britney Spears is Easy.)

To my chagrin, I have discovered that no one – No. One. – is better at making fun of Steve Guttenberg, of making Steve Guttenberg look like a complete and utter doofus than… Steve Guttenberg himself!

As evidence, I point you to this profile of The Goot – he refers to himself as “The Goot” – in the New York Observer. Have a read. Enjoy. Tomorrow, we’ll go through the article and enumerate the many ways in which Steve Guttenberg tears Steve Guttenberg a new one by making Steve Guttenberg look like an idiot.

Way No. 1: He actually refers to himself as “The Goot.”