If Stephen Harper Were Prime Minister in the Early 1930s

My fellow Canadians,

The Great Depression has hit the world hard. But not Canada!

Canada is doing extremely great by any comparative measure. While unemployment in some nations has surpassed 25%, in Canada it is only at 25%. Our food bank lines are longer and hoboier than those of any other industrialized country, virtually guaranteeing free publicity in Life magazine. (This will play nicely with our new tourism slogan: Canada — Come for the Bread Crust. Stay For the Waiting For the Next Bread Crust.) And while it’s true that our gross national product is down by 40%, other key economic indicators point to our relative strength. For instance, I looked around this morning and I still live in a huge house.

Although I was completely wrong in my forecast that we could not possibly have a Great Depression because we hadn’t already had a Great Depression, and while I’m confident that my description of the fall of 1929 as a “great buying opportunity” would in retrospect be hilarious to you if not for your resulting pennilessness, I would like you now to accept as gospel my optimistic predictions for our bright economic future.

My government will lead Canada out of this Depression using only the power of positive thinking and 23,902 different tax credits. Perhaps you’ve heard of our home renovation tax credit? In my experience it works like this, fellas: If you own a home and a wife, you will probably be doing home renovations this year. Already, many Canadians have discovered that there’s no more affordable way to board up your house before defaulting on your mortgage and fleeing into the night.

Friends: It’s time to put down your lard sandwiches and roll up the imaginary sleeves on the shirts you’d be wearing if you could still afford clothes. To emerge from this Depression, Canada must be united. Canadians must pull together. Canadians must join as one in a spirit of co-operation and non-partisanship. Except for Liberals, who are total douchebags.

I’ve got a hot lunch waiting for me at home so could I ask you to just stand there for a couple minutes and imagine I wrapped this up by saying something inspiring? Cool.

Looking for more?

Get the best of Maclean's sent straight to your inbox. Sign up for news, commentary and analysis.