Welcome to the Mailbag on Monday (on Super Tuesday), where we are still trying to come to grips with the words chosen by Maria Shriver to endorse Barack Obama. “I thought, if Barack Obama was a state, he’d be California,” Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife said to an L.A. crowd of 9,000. “Diverse, open, smart, independent, bucks tradition. Innovative. Inspirational. Dreamer. Leader.” That’s great, Maria, except you left out: “Parched, shallow, chronically anorexic. Viewed with detached amusement by the rest of America. Surgically enhanced. Somehow involved in the porn industry.”
As ever, these are actual questions from actual readers. You can send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or just click on the Sympatico e-mail link above.
Dear Scott: Did you watch the big Obama-Clinton debate? Could you believe how nice they were to each other? – F.G., Waterloo, Ont.
Nice?! Hillary and Barack weren’t just nice. At one point during the “debate” I calculated there was at least a 5% chance they were going to start making out (at which point Wolf Blitzer would have interjected to say, “I just want to be precise here – can I get in on this?”) The best part was when Wolf asked each of them if they’d serve as the other’s running mate. A black man serving in the White House alongside a white woman: I was watching CNN but I swear I heard Bill O’Reilly’s head explode four channels over.
Dear Scott: Today I saw Robert DeNiro introducing Barack Obama. It seems like all the cool celebrities are going with Obama and staying away from Hillary Clinton. What gives? – B.D., Montreal
Hang on there! Sure, Obama’s got DeNiro and Oprah and George Clooney – but Clinton has secured the support of Barbra Streisand, Steven Spielberg and, uhh, does the guy who played Arnold Schwarzenegger’s genetically inferior brother in Twins count? No? Okay, then, Hillary is clearly going to have to come up with a bigger name to headline her team of celebrity endorsers. Let’s take a look at the field of potential names:
Pros: Well-known across the country. Family-friendly, law-abiding image. Small but loyal fan base.
Cons: Bill might hit on her.
Pros: Well-known across the country. Could probably score bucketloads of Xanax for campaign team. Such a big prick that he’d make Hillary look sweet and decent by comparison.
Cons: Bill might hit on him.
John F. Kennedy
Pros: Fondly regarded as America’s sassiest president. Way more popular and horny than the Kennedys who are supporting Obama.
Cons: Dead – but then again so is Reagan and that hasn’t stopped every Republican from seeking his endorsement.
Pros: Endorsement would get scads of media coverage. Probably has some delicious pork rinds trapped in her cleavage.
Cons: Mentally unstable demographic officially withholding political support in anticipation of Ralph Nader’s entry.
The Huge Killer Monster from Cloverfield
Pros: Intimately familiar with New York. Thick skin renders it invulnerable to most character, and all airborne missile, attacks. Record of public service includes merciless killing of annoyingly bland twentysomething hipsters who never should have gone back into the city anyway, the stupid idiots.
Cons: Easily mistaken for Ted Kennedy on a bender.
Dear Scotty: I’ve been reading the Couch Boys football blog you did with [Scott] Reid. With the NFL season over with, I’m going through big-time withdrawal when it comes to wagering on games. Any betting opportunities for Super Tuesday? – P.I., Calgary
Vegas has set the over-under at 17.5 for televised utterances of the phrase, “It’s going to be a long night.” Take the over. And I just don’t see how you can resist betting a few bucks on I Can’t Understand What James Carville is Saying (plus 6.5) vs. I Wish Ann Coulter Would Shut the Hell Up.
Dear Scott: I read that Britney’s father has been granted “control of her affairs.” What does that mean exactly? What responsibilities does he have? – G.V., Brampton, Ont.
The tasks differ in each case of this sort, depending of course on the life and work obligations of the incapacitated individual. In this case, in addition to having full authority over the pop star’s fortune (currently estimated at $40-million plus empties), Jamie Spears has been assigned by the court to exercise several other duties on behalf of his daughter:
• Must feed invisible hamster, Mr. Sequins.
• Those hours of late-night television static aren’t going to videotape themselves.
• Now legally obligated to flash his vagina at paparazzi.
Dear Scott: On the front of your magazine’s website, Paul Wells is described as a “celebrated Maclean’s columnist.” Who celebrated him and what was the party like? – F.F., Ottawa
Balloons, streamers, music, booze, naked dancing girls – you should have been there, F.F.! Come to think of it, we probably should have invited Wells.
Dear Scott: So on a snowy campaign trip through somewhere impossibly snowy like Vermont, it so happens that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are stranded…together…alone together…on a luxurious campaign bus. It is so impossibly snowy and blustery outside that they tie into a few bottles of bubbly. They then tie into some Louis XIII. All of a sudden Hillary is looking all kinds of hot, and they get real nice and acquainted-like, if you know what I mean. Nine totally normal and shameless months later, under heavy epidural, out pops a little product of their union. Describe the life and characteristics of this child. – J.G., Saskatoon
Fluent in English and bullshit by the age of three days, William Jefferson Obama was a precocious child prone to soaring oratory and inexplicable crying jags. His was a happy childhood as little Willie scampered playfully through the halls of the White House, where his mother worked as President and his father parked cars. Unsurprisingly, William evinced a keen interest in public service and at the tender age of 15 launched a maverick bid for student council president, losing handily to his Uncle Bill.