Memo to the brewers of Coors Light

I’m disappointed. It’s been more than a year now since you’ve come up with a breathtaking new innovation in beer-based technology. That pace might have cut it in the 20th century, but come on. We’re in the big leagues now.

It was last April – 13 months ago! – that you revealed unto the world the marvel of the Vented Wide Mouth Can. Your vented can had an opening 8% wider than that of a typical can, to deliver – as you so eloquently put it – “a smoother pour [and] a draft-like experience that reduces the vacuum or ‘glugging’ effect.” More important, it make beer go into face more faster!

Before that, you unveiled your Cold-Certified cans – which feature “temperature-sensitive thermal chromatic ink technology” that turns the mountains on the label blue when the contents are “ice cold and ready to enjoy.” In the dark ages before this advance, beer drinkers had absolutely no way of knowing when their beer was cold – apart from several ways, such as touching it. In those primitive times, Coors Light enthusiasts had no choice but to employ courageous beer tasters to put their mouths in harm’s way and check whether the can’s contents were truly “ready to enjoy.” Many did not survive.

And let’s not forget, even though we’ve already done so, your development of “the industry’s first ice-ready, one-time use cooler package” – a savvy and useful response to research data showing that approximately 100% of the people who drink Coors Light lack the rudimentary intelligence required to open a fridge door.

So what’s the holdup? Don’t tell us you’ve run out of ways to deliver the latest must-have technological developments we felt we didn’t need until you created them, at which point we were confirmed in our belief that we didn’t need them.

Have you run out of ideas?

How about some high-tech “content-sensitive technology” that lets us know when our beer can is empty. That would be pretty handy. Maybe put an alarm in there or a little flag that shoots up and reads: “Beer me.”

Or what about mood cans? The cans could change colour as one passes through the moods of a typical Coors Light drinker: horny, really horny, rejected, sad, sleepy.

Or maybe weld two cans together and call it The Pair of Cans and have it promoted by Jessica Simpson in a bikini.

I’m just blueskying here. It could just as easily be Jessica Simpson in a halter top.

The point is: get to work. Your beer isn’t going to dubiously market itself.

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