Nation in Crisis – Day 4 – A Special Report: Jessica Simpson... Fat or What? - Macleans.ca

Nation in Crisis – Day 4 – A Special Report: Jessica Simpson… Fat or What?

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The Interweb, and presumably at least one luckless chair at Arby’s, is straining under the weight of Jessica Simpson’s, uhh, weight. Snarky comments are being typed. Blogs are being posted. Tweeters are being twirped, or whatever. And the Dallas Cowboys are preparing for the worst and consulting the NFL’s collective bargaining agreement for the salary cap implications of their starting quarterback having been eaten.

Seriously, I haven’t seen gossip sites latch on to a story like this since Tom Cruise came out of the closet (the closet of crazy – what did you think I meant?) or Scarlett Johansson married me.*

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The crisis – highlighted by the above photo of the singer/actress respecting Hollywood’s two-belt minimum for women over 115 pounds – has reached the point that Jessica Simpson is actually being defended by Kim Kardashian, whose defining physical characteristic is a rear end that resembles your Grandma’s two largest Tupperware bowls trapped in spandex. Kardashian describes Simpson as looking “curvier” but “hot.”

Feschuk on the Famous will continue to monitor this ongoing crisis and provide updates as warranted. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming about the disintegration of the global economy and all we hold dear, already in progress.

* Recollection may not be to scale.

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