new barbie just like old barbie but 30% more attractive to charlie sheen

With sales of Barbies continuing to fall sharply, Mattel has announced it will try to compete with the ultra-popular Bratz dolls by making a more “suggestive” and modern Barbie that comes with leather mini-skirt and fishnet stockings.

What are some of the other features of the suggestive and modern Barbie?

  • The anatomically accurate vagina.
  • State-of-the-art mechanized insert automatically lifts halter top for boob flash.
  • Each doll comes with home pregnancy kit (Ken the abortionist sold separately).
  • Pull the string on her back and she says adorable phrases like “Oh my goodness, I’m running late for my job in porn!”
  • Cries real tears when Sheriff forecloses on Barbie Dream Mansion.
  • Special limited edition “DUI Barbie” features smeared mascara and matted hairdo for mug shot.
  • Hands rendered more lifelike so index finger can fit down throat.
  • Comes with three thongs, two pairs of shoes and a restraining order.
  • Old friends: Nikki and Teresa. New friend: Chloe the Naked Bisexual.
  • When girl who owns Barbie is asleep, Barbie slips into the girl’s brother’s room and makes out with Chewbacca.
  • Hired as new cast member on coming season of The Hills.