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New National Pastime

Accused drug cheat Roger Clemens appears before Congress today. What can we expect?

• The most crotch-grabbing seen on Capitol Hill since days of Clinton impeachment.

• Clemens enters ornate committee room by crashing through wall like Kool-Aid guy, casting doubt on ’roid-free claims.

• Claims mysterious mid-career weight gain came not from illicit substances but from eating delicious batboy.

• Brushes back aggressive senator by hurling his lawyer high and inside.

• Insists he gave “human growth” hormone to wife only because he thought that’s how you make a baby.

• Had no idea guy sticking needles in his ass was actually injecting anything – just thought it was fun.

• Consults not with attorney but with large talking mass growing on his left shoulder.

• Admits 60 Minutes appearance a failure in that he never got to meet Andy Rooney.

• Keeps saying: “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”