Peter MacKay: Allegedly wrote minutes of Cabinet meeting in whipped cream on girlfriend’s naked back.
Tony Clement: Reportedly spilled national secrets in futile effort to bed Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
David Emerson: None to speak of currently – but willing to have one or go gay if there’s something in it for him.
Jim Flaherty: Violating everything he and his leprechaun brothers hold sacred, once made out with a mermaid.
Loyola Hearn: Can’t find packet of confidential documents… or his glasses, or car keys, or the cup of coffee he was just holding in his goddamn hand a second ago.
Vic Toews: Has been fearing biker retaliation ever since fleetingly checking out the rack on Julie Couillard.
Peter Van Loan: Depends if your definition of girlfriend includes imaginary girlfriends. It doesn’t? Okay then.
Stockwell Day: Like Jimmy Carter, he commits adultery only in his heart… but in his heart he commits adultery like Charlie Sheen on a Cialis bender.
Gordon O’Connor: Just won’t stop staring at that hot new septuagenarian Wal-Mart greeter.
John Baird: No girlfriend-related scandals on immediate horizon – or that other, more distant horizon.