Our long national bagel nightmare is finally over

You know how taking out a bagel and spreading cream cheese on it can be a frustrating and onerous chore? Me neither. But apparently it is because commercials are everywhere now for Kraft Bagel-fuls – a bagel-type substance that come wrapped around a wad of cream cheese and is available in your grocer’s freezer. Half the taste and four million times the chemicals! (I’m kidding, Kraft Foods: I’m sure the fact that a Bagel-ful looks exactly like a Twinkie has no bearing on its nutritional content.)

On one hand, there’s the organics movement, the 100-mile diet, slow dining, grass-fed cattle, flying to Indonesia to offer soothing massage to the impoverished workers who harvest your coffee beans and all that. On the other hand, there’s the food that most people actually eat. In a miraculous age in which science has made it possible for us to consume our Special K in liquid form, Kraft Bagel-fuls offer value in three keys areas:

Relief – Recent statistics indicate that applying cream cheese to a bagel is causing 70 per cent of North Americans to get winded. Another 12 per cent keep trying to spread the bagel onto the cream cheese.

Productivity – With the four seconds they save by not having to spread cream cheese themselves, everyone in America is going to study to be an astronaut. Your move, China.

Religion – The popularity of “food” like Bagel-fuls, Lunchables and things crammed onto sticks and wrapped in other things offers persuasive evidence that God has lost, Satan is in ascendance and we are all doomed to suffer eternally for some grave collective sin – probably the one where we let Kevin Federline procreate.

Kraft touts its Bagel-fuls by highlighting their “convenient shape” – apparently, humankind has yet to master how to affix its hands to “round” – and the fact that cramming one into your face requires “no plates, mess or effort!” Whew. No longer shall our stoutest men be forced to toil all day in the cream cheese mines. No more shall our women folk be enslaved to operate the elaborate and often lethal system of levers and pulleys required to press together the two sides of the bagel. Plus, now we don’t have to lick flame retardant materials for our daily hit of ammonium sulfate!

All that’s left on the breakfast front is to invent a cereal with the milk already in it, and the spoon already in the cereal, and the cereal, milk and spoon already in your colon.

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