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Phat Actress

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People magazine is reporting “exclusively” that Kirstie Alley is stepping down as a spokesperson for the Jenny Craig Company and plans to launch her own line of weight-loss products in 2009. Alley has released a lengthy statement explaining her decision (the ever-reliable National Enquirer says she was actually fired because she’s getting really fat again). The statement is reprinted below, along with my explanatory notes and elaborations in bold.

Statement from Kirstie Alley:

After lengthy negotiations, regretfully, the Jenny Craig Company and I did not come to an agreement to continue as their spokesperson.

My relationship with the Jenny Craig Company was nothing short of extraordinary. The people I worked with at Jenny were first rate [except for that bitch who’d raise her eyebrow judgmentally when she weighed me].

The program spoke for itself as the world watched me lose 75 pounds [people in Kenya and the Federated States of Micronesia were particularly enthralled by my dieting.] The last three years have been a win-win for all involved, especially all those other Jenny clients who took the journey alongside me [and the defenceless children I did not dip in chocolate and swallow whole while watching Days of Our Lives].

Just having [Jenny Craig clients] there with me was an inspiration and a motivation to continue. Thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart [which doctors can now find again without a map and a trench shovel].

J.C. now has two talented pros on board, and I have no doubt that Valerie Bertinelli and Queen Latifah, along with the excellent products in the J.C. program, will steer the ship to continuing success. I personally wish them the same excellent results and amazing adventures that I experienced as the J.C. spokesperson. [Memo to Valerie and Queen: Fat people will hug and cry on you. Wear something washable.]

Somehow, I’ve also fallen into the position of “accidental” role model for, apparently, millions of people out there losing weight by whatever means. This was something I did not bargain for, or foresee happening [or have the ability to fully exploit financially on account of Jenny taking all the profits]. Nevertheless, it is something I’ve grown to embrace and something I intend to continue to pursue [eventually… hang on a minute… just gotta catch my breath here and… mmm! Cookie!]

As for me, I am from the school of “you may not be able to reinvent the wheel but you can sure try to better it” [is that in the Ivy League?] which has proven to be a very successful attitude for Michelin tires [Whaaa??]. Even my own mentor left a major weight-loss company when she was 51 years old and struck out on her own to create her own brand that we now know as “the Jenny Craig weight-loss program.” I had not intended to make this announcement at this time, but after an online PEOPLE magazine article ran last Friday, announcing that I had stepped down as Jenny’s spokesperson, I found myself bombarded with inquiries from the media and fans [Two qualifies as a “bombard,” right?]. So I guess it’s as good of a time as any to announce that I intend to develop and pilot my own weight-loss brand that I hope to launch in 2009. [Until then: Keep eating, fatties!]

The weight-loss field is wide open and not immune to new ideas and improved solutions for the fat problems that plague many of us Americans every day [One of the fat problems that plagues Americans: Rosie O’Donnell]. I want to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride.

Other rides, besides the ‘fatty-roller coaster,’ available at the Fatty Amusement Park:

• Ferris Wheel of Cheese

• Yule Log Ride

• Deep-fried Octopus

• White Chocolate Canyon

• Pirates of the Caribbean Lime Steak

• Fun House of Pancakes

• Guilt-a-Whirl

I am especially passionate about seeing to it that our next generations are not struggling with the same weight issues that my generation has struggled with. [Although it would be great if just the very next generation could struggle so that I can afford that house in the south of France.]

There was a time when America was not fat, and that was in our not-so-distant past [In fact, it was March 12, 1997, at the precise moment a plane carrying Star Jones crossed out of American airspace]. I’m confident that I can create something exciting and innovative: something that if all goes well, will help change a fat America back into a fit America and will offer this country the healthiest, yummiest, easiest and most effective weight-loss program on the market. [Step One: Don’t eat so much. Step Two: Uhh, that’s it.]

If not, I’ll see you at Central Casting.

Oh, but hey, don’t “Call Kirstie” just yet. You’ll be on hold too long. Call me next year. [Just don’t call me late for dinner!]

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